Rant...?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by QuadLazer, Oct 21, 2008.

  1. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    So, yeah, this is just gonna be me ranting about stupid stuff, more or less.

    So, of course, none of you know me, and maybe in this post I'll put some info out there.

    Growing up, I don't want to say that I "had it bad." I didn't have it great, but who does? My dad was a drunk, pretty much took advantage of me, my mom, my sister and everything. He left when I was really young... My mom; however, continued to stay with us. She went from bum to bum, drunk to drunk, criminal to criminal. Moved in and out of different places. 'Til one day this guy... he was being chased by the police and all, and so me being only 13 and my sister kicked out already, was trying to be the good kid and stay faithful to my mom and all. We packed up one night and moved to a different state where the guy resided. It was... bad stuff. I can go into more detail, but only if you guys really wanna know...

    After dealing with that kinda stuff, losing so much family in such rapid succession- I broke down and tried talking to my mom. She told me it was either her way or the highway. So she kicked me out as well. Luckily, my aunt and uncle were nice enough to give me a home. For a while, I lived with them (and this was towards the beginning of high school and stuff) and it was going okay. I lived with different families and everything... and I never talked to my real mother again.

    So, fast forward to later on in high school. Now, I had been practicing cutting ever since I was like 14. It was on and off, not something I did regular... but, especially my junior year, it became pretty serious. It was daily, once or twice a day minimum. I couldn't control anything, and I knew very well that it wasn't solving my problems, but you know- when there's nothing else to get the job done right...

    So my grandparents (oddly enough) were the first people to find out. I got sent to a hospital and all that. Got released after 3 days on Christmas Eve. Kinda got back in the swing of things, only to end up with the same cycle starting again. So, back in the hospital. I was in and out for a while, there.

    Now, here comes the kicker.

    I was getting released yet again from the hospital, right? On some drugs, of course. And I mean, I told my doctor straight-up: you're the expert, you know more about this than I do, BUT... I cannot guarantee that I won't kill myself if you send me home. Sure enough, she did that exact thing.

    Now, I was going to meet up with my therapist before I got back home and all. So I told her the same thing. And, sure enough, she sent me home...

    So, with my mind set on proving to them that I wasn't trying to play a game, my aunt went upstairs to take a nap, and I... I attempted suicide for the first time in my life...

    And that was about two years ago. And now here I am. Basically stuck with the same problems. I mean, I finished school and everything, got a job, and stuff. I wanted to go to college, but I don't have the money, too... I made real good grades in school and stuff, except for the months I was out in the hospital and stuff... Anyway, I try to talk to my friends about it a lot. Most of them don't really understand, none of them have ever dealt with depression, so obviously don't understand suicide. My family, or what's left of it, doesn't really keep up with me at all. They never ask me how I'm doing. I pretty much just live here. I quit my job due to low pay rate (despite the fact that I was the hardest worker there and had been working there longer than anyone else) and everything. I found a new job, but it doesn't start 'til the 27th... so... Life just seems so messed up right now. It just seems like there's no one I can really talk to about it. The last two relationships I was in... didn't really work out. The last one was the worst... And my faith... the whole religion thing... For most of my life, I've just been agnostic. I mean, it's whatever, but I tried out becoming a Christian. My family introduced me to the Mormon (yes, Mormon) church. I really liked it at first. I even got baptized, but... all things come to an end. My faith is not an exception. It's been almost four months since I last went to church. I just didn't really fit in with it. The whole church is so family-oriented, and any time I talk about who I am, where I'm from, whatever- I always get the strangest looks. And everyone in it looked down on me because I didn't take an interest in missionary work or going and getting married ASAP and have a load of children... Pretty much killed it right there.

    Anyway, not sure if I'm technically in a crisis or not, at this point. I've asked around- medically I don't think I am, but legally I think I would be considered one. No, I haven't cut or anything, but I have more than the means to do it at any time and the skill to get away with it, too.

    Just... anything would really help right now.

    (Sorry if this was long, but, like I started out with, this is just my rant about dumb stuff)
     
  2. rootedphoenix

    rootedphoenix Well-Known Member

    It's not dumb at all. You've had a hard time.

    We're here to help you (sounds cheesy, but it's true).
     
  3. QuadLazer

    QuadLazer Well-Known Member

    ... How could you help me? I mean, I've pretty much tried everything. Half the reason I tried to kill myself in the first place was simply because asking for help just wasn't cutting it and I felt the only true way to get help was to take action. And my aunt... she... she makes me feel so worthless. I was sitting there in the hospital and the first thing she said to me was that I'd have to move out because I was going to be an influence to their daughter. And then the first thing she said when I called her and talked to her was that I would either have to start drugging myself up on medicine or she'd kick me out.

    I just don't understand, I mean, I personally don't know what I'd say to a family member who had just tried to kill someone...

    But telling them that they were being a bad influence to another family member? That would be on the last of my list. She obviously cares more about her daughter than me. Which, I can somewhat understand. I'm not her blood, she did not create me. Her failure of a sister did. But you know, when you sign that paper taking custody, it's supposed to be legally and emotionally binding... Apparently, for her, it was just a joke.

    Have you ever heard of the saying actions speak louder than words? Well, I don't like to say this, but I think it's coming to that point again.