I really don't know why I am posting here. I really don't. I haven't found any support using Suicideforum whatsoever. I have still had suicide attempts. I don't know if one who has trouble connecting to those around her can possibly be supported by people who she doesn't even know. This year has been hard. There have been times when I wasn't even sure whether I was going to survive or not. I started on medication...which I don't know whether it has helped or not. I have finally finished school...and am now waiting on whether I have a high enough ENTER and good enough folios to let me into a course. I doubt I will have either. I work so hard on everything that I do, but I never get credit for it or acknowledgement. I always get pushed aside. This has led to me having no self confidence at all. Everything people see of me is a facade. I seem like such a happy person all the time, but I am not. I really don't know what to do. I guess I have to try and get a job...but because of my lack of self confidence I find it really hard. Plus I have had little working experience. The first and only job I have ever had was working as a waitress which ended in the bosses son attempting to rape me. I haven't told anyone and I left the job unpaid and not pressing charges because I didn't want to draw attention to myself. I am scared that something like that will happen again. I'm not one of those pretty girls either, you know? The ones with lovely long wavy hair and perfectly tanned skin? I have short hair which just reaches my ears and very pale skin. Nobody likes people like that. Everyone knows that. My dad has this stupid vision in my head of me working behind some make-up counter in some department store. That's not going to happen because they don't hire girls like me. He also has this stupid vision that soon I will be getting a boyfriend. I have had two and they have both been complete jerks who have cheated on me. I don't think I want another one. Guys don't fall in love with girls like me either. I really don't like myself. I can't see anything good about myself. All I see is this tall and lanky girl with pale skin and no future whatsoever, who will never be loved and will die alone.