arggggggh what the fuck is wrong with me!! being fucking misreble over fuck all!! i feel like shit right now over jack shit! im crying over nothing! im fucking idiot! what is the point in me living, the only reason im here is for my family, how can i cause them more pain than they've allready been thru over the past few years, im meant to be the sensible kid, the responsible, the one you can trust with anything including your own life, i would give my life your one i care about but im dying inside, not knowing where to turn, not knowing what to say, people telling me what the think is best for me, family saying 'you should go to your second psychiatrist appointment', don't fucking tell me what i should or shouldn't do! you dont feel what i feel inside, if anything this fucking family caused this! everyone at each others throats! me stuck in the middle! none of you realise what the arguing does to me or amy! (my cousin), me and her even started arguing over the fucking arguments you were having! You fucking forgive him everytime he steals of you! then he takes a OD and you go running, same as per fucking usual!! you dont get that its a game to him! he knows you inside put and he uses, manipulates you! but you dont see that, as far as your concerned hes your son, everytime he fucked up, you let him back in this house! not giving a shit what your 2 other kids thought! not ONCE did you ask what we thought about him comming back! he stole of me! of your 8 yr old son! he stold of EVERYONE is this family, hes stole hundreds of pounds of this family, proberbly costing you over 1000 quid because he too fucking damn selfish to care for anyone else but him self! he dont give a shit bout me or anyone! you all act like he cares bout me, but the truth is he dont! never has done and never will! i fucking hate my own brother! but i love him at the same time, but that love is being ripped out and replace with anger and hatred everytime he does someone else. He comes running to you when he had a knife held to his throat last sunday because he fucked up yet again and owed someone some money! why did he call you, because he wanted you to bail him out yet again! he tried to kill himself when me and your youngest son were the only owns in the house, im meant to be the eldest responsible one, truth is i was shit scared to go in that room, too scared of what id find! he was screaming this house down! and i sat here scared of what to do! how the fuck am i meant to sort my own fucking problems out when iv gotta sort everyone else out! whats happening to me happened to amy aswell! do you fucking know what its like to get texts off amy saying shes taking an OD, sitting there deciding what to do! wether to tell her mum (my aunty) or be supportive of her and not say a word! no one in this family knows what she has done in the past! but im the one how dealt with it time after time! allways me picking up the pieces of this soo called family! im dreading christmas, christmas was about the family being together, and this will be the second with out my so called brother, and your all at each others throats! if thats what family is then i dont wanna have a christmas! i dont what fuck all to do with this family if this carries on! Mum your own brother wanted to KILL your son for tearing this family apart and for stealing of him after he let him into his house after you kicked him out! he went out to find him and beat the shit out of him and he didnt care if he killed him! when your brother (my uncle) found out what id been feeling and had done he said 'why didn't she come talk to me', how can i talk to him, hes the joker of this family, the guy you to do roll on the floor in laughter, how can i talk to him saying i feel like shit and dont see a point in living anymore! i can't talk to anyone of, and you dont seem to understand that or why how, the only person i've ever talked to is amy or gill (my aunty), i feel guilty talking to amy incase i trigger to go back to the way she was, even gill helped its was stupid of me to talk to her! proberly one of the stupidest things iv done in my life! she was the one who told you everything! didnt even ask me first! just said to me on the phone that i can't be left alone! and shes gonna have to tell you! i was 18 at the time and i can't be trusted to be on my own anymore. I've heard you twice crying in the mornings, you know what i thought when i heard you crying, i thought that he had killed himself! im sitting there dreading you comming in to tell me that my own brothers dead! Do you know how it feels to hear you count the paracetamols (pain killers) before you go out! afraid that im gonna take an OD again, well maybe i should! be out everyones fucking life for good! I'll shut the fuck up now!