rant

i'm feeling trapped atm and i don't think i can find a way out.

i feel like i'm literally not from this world or i'm at least really alienated from it. i'm 18 years old and my parents e.g. won't even want to leave me home alone because they know i won't get along...thats how dependent i am from other people.

i think i'm afraid of making relationships as well. i always seem to be searching for the worst in other people. besides that i'm not even able to join a group instead i'm just sitting besides them and when they ask me to join (which is the most seldom case) i just join them and never say a word.

recently i also feel like everybody around me is much better in every aspect of life then i am.

i quit basically every hobby i had and i'm only spending my life at home on the computer or in my bed recently ignoring every bit of human life around me.

i fear going to school after the holidays because i feel like i'm being bullied and i don't have anybody i can relate to there but i don't want to quit school either because i know i could basically just play the homeless man right now then. school itself (apart from being a socially hostile place for me) isn't really a place where my education flourishes. my teachers (and myself) aren't motivated to make any effort at all which really depresses me...

my relationship with my parents (or family) has gone downhill too, with me not being able to speak another word with them or making any eye contact.

i can't make myself go outside (or even call) somebody and i'm feeling like a useless/worthless piece of shit which is just being lazy all day and i know that the rest of the holidays and the time afterwards will be pure torture.

i don't know why i'm writing this i have been to the docs recently and i'm taking st. johns wort. i'm having a psychs appointment in september but i'd just like to be able to end it now...apparently my incompetence even plays a role there because i manage not to have any opportunity to do so (and the ones i had i didn't use).

i guess nobody will be able to see any sense in this gibberish at all but i just don't have anything else i can do right now.

 

I see plently of sense in what you have written, in fact, I have experienced it myself...I had an increasing sense of isolation, and apathy...I could not get myself to be involved in things I had liked before...and everyone seemed to be living without me...I am glad you have an appointment in September...maybe before then, you can start to write of list you want to discuss, and that way, you might be more apt to be able to talk about yourself...please know, there are many ppl who feel as you have described...and continue to post and let us know what is going on...J

 

what am i supposed to discuss??? there's no sense really in discussing anything at the moment

 

I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way...please know my PM is open anytime you would like to talk.

Take care, don't give up because your future is bright, though you may not see it yet. <3

 

i'm making plans atm the only problem is i don't want to attempt when my parents are around

 

Your parents think hun they will suffer so greatly the will so please just go to hospital and get the help you need hugs

 

i don't want to go to the hospital...besides that i don't care about my parents feelings, really, they didn't care about mine either, it was all just academics to them

 

Hospital will help you hun heal your parents want you to do well because they know life demands that to get anywhere. Talk to your councillor at yur school okay talk to somone hugs

 

the only person i will be able to talk to in a while is the psych when i have the appointment and as i said i don't want to go to the hospital

 

i'm addicted to my computer/the internet

 

i've been going over some methods in the past days and overthrew some of the plans i made and i'm a bit uncertain again although i'd like to have something planned out atm

 

i found a method/the right tools now, don't know if i get enough time this evening though