Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by dustin, Jun 25, 2012.

  1. dustin

    dustin Banned Member

    I have no motivation anymore. I'm tired, worn out, and I have nothing to live for. No friends. No interests. I lost my job - I quit my very good paying job - just because I didn't care anymore. Didn't spend the money I was making, I have lived in my apartment for years and all i have still is my laptop, a table and a bed, and unopened moving boxes. I don't know. I want to ignore the world so much. My family mostly hates me, and I deserve it. And I will never make them happy because of the way I live. I can't please them. So I gave up on them too. I can barely sleep, probably because of too much caffeine, and other reasons. The army fucked with my head a bit. The stress is making me crazy. Every day. On the verge of tears and I have no Idea why. The world is such a terrible place, but I have to put up with it. Pretend that I care about money, about people. Work 12 hour days 6 days a week, then don't even cash your paycheck for a month because you're living on ramen noodles and beans out of habit. And people hated me for it. Ican't stand being around anyone anymore. I'm not a social person, I try to tolerate but things set me off and i have to just shut my mouth and quietly deal with it, because I know the anger has nothing to do with them. I don't know. I'm in a limbo, like solitary confinement and all I want to do is end it, and to put an end to the day to day bullshit that I care nothing about. I don't have the courage though. As much as I want to I can't pull the trigger. I think about the pain it would cause my family, even if they hate me. They hate the way I live but wouldn't let me die! Everyone wants me to change. I don't think it's worth it. Now I'm just ranting in circles though. Don't expect anyone to read this bullshit. I just need to type it out for some reason. It's a worthless mindset, people like me shouldn't kill themselves they should be gathered and shot. But it's apathy. And depression. I'm not dumb. I know I can only help myself. I can't change unless I want to. But I don't want to. I've tried so many times before. To just pretend to be happy until it worked. But it doesn't. I can't lie to myself. I know the truth. I know how pointless and fucked up everything really is. People act like depression is some disease that needs medication, take this pill it will make you happy again. I think it's just some people can see things the way they really are. You would have to be crazy not to be depressed. I don't know. The world sucks. A lot. And this is pointless. And this verbal diarrhea isn't going to help anyone. A completely defeated outlook on life. It's pathetic. A person with my mindset will never be happy. I know this. I should be able to change it. But I can't. And I don't know if I want to. QQ more pussy, life sucks, stop crying about it.

    tldr; good, you shouldn't read this trash
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    I did read the whole thing, and it's not too long...you are getting your feelings out, and that's a good thing. So, type away if it makes you feel better...I know it helps me most of the time. You haven't killed yourself because you think that you might be able to change your life, and you can. It's never too late to turn things around. You said that you've tried so many times before, and nothing worked....sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error to get what you want out of life. I know I've tried and failed many times to get what I want, but I'm still not giving up, because I know that I can really make something out of my life if I'm determined enough. I hope that you can find the drive to change things...and I hope you don't pull the trigger. It may be a big struggle right now, but you have the power to change the way your life is going.
  3. dustin

    dustin Banned Member

    Thanks Witty... I think..

    Typing out my thoughts does help, even if it dosn't make any sense when i read it the next day. I don't care if anyone reads it, but getting it out helps for some reason. anyway, more ranting incoming.. so ..lying is a survival skill. Lying to others, lying to yourself. It is necessary to survive in this world. From birth we are taught to be honest, to tell the truth and and always do what's right. But when a child does something wrong they instinctively lie about it. It's not something that is taught, it's a natural human survival mechanism. It is a part of living in a social world. You say what others want or need to hear, to accomplish your personal goals and needs. Everyone does it, everyone lies and everyone is a hypocrite in some way. But don't get caught! Everyone hates a liar. Society tells you that it is best to be honest about everything, but that in itself is a lie. It's not, a lot of the time you should say what is best, not what is true. This is reflected in everything, the way politicians speak, ( of course everyone hates them for it ), the way we interact with people, ( I shouldn't tell her that she's being an idiot ), even our history books ( Let's pretend that this country was founded on freedom and not the potential to make ourselves rich through slavery and killing off the native americans ). And then people constantly lie to themselves. They try to blame things on other people, rationalize what they are doing is right, and remain ignorant of world events because they don't want to think about it. They convince themselves that the world is a good place, keep their eyes on the next goal and never the big picture. The next paycheck, the next gadget, the next episode of their favorite tv series. Escapism is rampant, with games, movies and other entertainment being the main interest of our society. It's all lies. It keeps us happy. It stops us from thinking about the things we can't control. Religion is all lies, but the hope it provides and lessons it teaches will make you a better person, if you can believe in it (lie to yourself). You can believe anything you want, with enough research and and effort you can reinforce anything you want and convince yourself that it is true. It's the way the human mind works, to adapt to the demands of society and exist in the constantly changing world that we live in. Yes, I am a hypocrit, and this entire post may be a lie, lying to myself to justify my feelings at the moment. With effort I could prove myself right or prove myself wrong. What I believe is entirely up to me. What I do about it is entirely up to me. And everyone else is going to do the same. Everyone will believe what they have to, to survive. It will bring people together, It will push people apart. People will love, and hate, protect and kill and do whatever they have to do to reinforce the lies that they have convinced themselves of. I don't know the truth. Is there any truth, other than the constants of nature? You are born, you die. The sun will rise, set, the tides will rise and go down. But where is the truth as far as humans are concerned? Is there any bottom so the sea of bullshit that makes up the way we perceive the world? Is it even possible for me to see the truth when I have this way of thinking, the results of generations of men and women surviving by believing what they have to? I'm not an intellegent person, and I am confusing the hell out of myself right now. I really want to stop thinking about it, go watch tv or read a book. Escapism. Yes, I am a hypocrite. But that's what i'm going to go do, lie to myself. It's not something to be ashamed of, it's a survival skill. At least that's what I've convinced myself. I can't even trust my own thoughts.