Ranting about Chronic Fatigue/Depression

[Falcon0006]

Actually had what I thought was a miracle week last week in terms of positive energy/good vibes and unfortunately whenever I have that it seems to be followed by a massive downturn. I've had chronic fatigue for 2 years, whilst my symptoms seem to be far less heinous than some stories I've heard on the web (like complete disability) its still something that my livelihood seems to be near enough crushed when its at its worst. I don't think I'm one of the more naturally gifted/talented people but one trait of myself that I've always been rather fond of is my energy or passion levels.

Even when I initially got depression I was able to pull myself out of it because of my ability to pour my passion/energy into something I liked doing and be captivated by it. It was never so much that I could get rid of depression but I could distract myself entirely from it to the point it could become a non-factor. At the moment chronic fatigue just seems like an immovable object and it feels like for me personally it has almost no counter. I can't do nothing because inactivity seems to bring out the worst in my depression and does not aid in my energy levels but do the slightest bit too much and I feel like I need a week in bed.

Im working 5 days a week at the moment in retail, I think this is far more than the average chronic fatigue sufferer can cope with, so for that I'm grateful that I am able to near enough cope with it. But it feels like I have no life outside of work at the moment, all my energy is drained by the time I get home and my weekends seem to be devoted to recovery days. If I had some sort of timer on when this chronic fatigue were to last I don't think I'd be bothered whatsoever. But I'm 25 now, when I was younger I would make daily youtube videos alongside school, when I was older I would travel to tournaments for a game and found consistent and marked improvement. Now I feel like I am working towards nothing and accomplishing nothing and my chronic fatigue only seems to fluctuate even more drastically.

I did make things worse for me I'll admit, after reading online that smoking weed was a good way of relaxing your body with MS and making the symptoms less harsh to deal with. This led to me smoking far more than was healthy for my mind and I had a pretty severe wave of anxiety and a nervous breakdown. Up until the breakdown it felt extremely calming and beneficial for me to smoke it, I just went massively overboard on the amount and it took a few months even to get over the negative mental effects. I just found finally having something that lessened the burden of chronic fatigue made me feel like I had some sort of power over it, I think thats the main frustration I have with it, there doesn't seem to be some hidden way of combating chronic fatigue I think it is mainly a test of patience/willpower more-so than anything.

But having such a radical switch in energy levels from what I had previously, cant help but make me suffer from that feeling of grass is greener on the other side. I know what I was capable of, I know what I achieved socially and mentally and now I am capable of so little. It is extremely difficult for me to reconcile with those feelings of inadequacy. I know this was a rather open-ended rant, didn't really have much of a point or potential solution for the time being, I just really needed to get stuff of my mind before I work another shift or I'd probably lose my marbles.

 

[Winter Blues]

Actually had what I thought was a miracle week last week in terms of positive energy/good vibes and unfortunately whenever I have that it seems to be followed by a massive downturn. I've had chronic fatigue for 2 years, whilst my symptoms seem to be far less heinous than some stories I've heard on the web (like complete disability) its still something that my livelihood seems to be near enough crushed when its at its worst. I don't think I'm one of the more naturally gifted/talented people but one trait of myself that I've always been rather fond of is my energy or passion levels.

Even when I initially got depression I was able to pull myself out of it because of my ability to pour my passion/energy into something I liked doing and be captivated by it. It was never so much that I could get rid of depression but I could distract myself entirely from it to the point it could become a non-factor. At the moment chronic fatigue just seems like an immovable object and it feels like for me personally it has almost no counter. I can't do nothing because inactivity seems to bring out the worst in my depression and does not aid in my energy levels but do the slightest bit too much and I feel like I need a week in bed.

Im working 5 days a week at the moment in retail, I think this is far more than the average chronic fatigue sufferer can cope with, so for that I'm grateful that I am able to near enough cope with it. But it feels like I have no life outside of work at the moment, all my energy is drained by the time I get home and my weekends seem to be devoted to recovery days. If I had some sort of timer on when this chronic fatigue were to last I don't think I'd be bothered whatsoever. But I'm 25 now, when I was younger I would make daily youtube videos alongside school, when I was older I would travel to tournaments for a game and found consistent and marked improvement. Now I feel like I am working towards nothing and accomplishing nothing and my chronic fatigue only seems to fluctuate even more drastically.

I did make things worse for me I'll admit, after reading online that smoking weed was a good way of relaxing your body with MS and making the symptoms less harsh to deal with. This led to me smoking far more than was healthy for my mind and I had a pretty severe wave of anxiety and a nervous breakdown. Up until the breakdown it felt extremely calming and beneficial for me to smoke it, I just went massively overboard on the amount and it took a few months even to get over the negative mental effects. I just found finally having something that lessened the burden of chronic fatigue made me feel like I had some sort of power over it, I think thats the main frustration I have with it, there doesn't seem to be some hidden way of combating chronic fatigue I think it is mainly a test of patience/willpower more-so than anything.

But having such a radical switch in energy levels from what I had previously, cant help but make me suffer from that feeling of grass is greener on the other side. I know what I was capable of, I know what I achieved socially and mentally and now I am capable of so little. It is extremely difficult for me to reconcile with those feelings of inadequacy. I know this was a rather open-ended rant, didn't really have much of a point or potential solution for the time being, I just really needed to get stuff of my mind before I work another shift or I'd probably lose my marbles.

Dear Falcon0006, hi and welcome. I don’t pretend to know what chronic fatigue is like, but you are so very, very young to be going through such an experience. Is there any cure - apologies now for my ignorance. Are there days when it is better, or things you can do to ease it? You are remarkable in that you are holding down a full time job - you say retail. Is this something that interests you? You refer to tournaments .. what sports do you like. We have the Rugby Six Nations at the moment and I am glued to the tv. I also like football -far too old to play either now! Keep talking on this site, you will find much better qualified folk to respond to your post and everyone here cares and listens. Take time to read other threads, go to the chat room or Jim’s cafe for some light relief. But stay safe .. you are a special person x

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

@Falcon0006

Totally sorry that you are dealing with this. Just curious if the docs have found anything medically wrong to connect to the fatigue?

Just found out I have sleep apena last week literally and am waiting for the cpap machine to see if it helps the quality of sleep I get. Apparently it has positive changes to a lot of users life and its less fatigue.

How are you doing so far since posting this thread?

 

[sickanon2]

You have my deepest sympathies. I was extremely ill with Glandular Fever for over a year, to the point where one doctor believed I had developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from it. One website I used to frequent was Phoenix Rising. It was a site run by / for CFS and ME sufferers. They offered a lot of practical advice and support. Although I seem to have recovered enough to live a mostly normal life, I have not forgotten how weak, exhausted, sick and frightened I felt during the height of my illness. I know it's not much, but I can relate to your feelings of inadequacy. I really struggled to come to terms with my limits too, as someone who was always highly motivated like yourself.

 

[JulieDegraw]

This reminds me of a documentary i watched about chronic fatigue and ME. most of the sufferers had undiscovered lyme decease " caused by a tick bite " have you been tested for that ?

 

[JulieDegraw]

Documentary is called Unrest and is on netflix

 

[Who am I now]

I've suffered with Chronic Fatigue for at least 10 years. It's not much fun.

You need to be careful how you manage it. It can change, it can get better.

I was a fit active person before. I still do well compared to some with the condition, but it's all relative.
I wasn't sitting around before I got ill so the change has been also dramatic to me.

I never suffered with any anxiety or depression before.
I had worked in my career 10 years, so it wasn't due to some big life change.. I was doing quite well... I was happy.
I have not stopped doing things since, but I have fought it, refused to accept it, struggled, adaptable, felt better, felt worse..

There is a lot of mixed advice from suffers online, I've been to a help group.. and I think most agree, taking care of yourself is common sense.
There no obvious cause or treatment that I am aware of, therefore everyone is a little different.

I am personally conscious, some people have spent a lot of money trying to get well and have not..

for me, eating very healthy gave me the best results, but I admit, I only felt well, while I did moderate exercise and managed to rest lots. I did not work at that time very often.

I am not 100% that people get over it, I think is just settles down. I have learnt to understand my body over the years. Having said that, in recent years, pain and mental aspects, such as concentration are worse... I wake up feeling I have not slept. Depending if I do too much, I get sensitive to noise and light, can't read very well, words start to not make sense, I even can't talk very well some times. Awesome huh.

Guess what, I can still bench press 80KG... I struggle with cardio. I used to train 5 to 10x per week when well.

Oh, supplements, B12 help me, I tested low for this, privately < NHS dismissed it. Same as Vit D. I take Magnesium for muscle pain. I paid alot to get this list of supplements and a diet plan.

I am a nightmare, because I work... I have commitments, responsibility, my health comes 2nd. So I find way to cope... If I eat lots of carbs I can do more, but then I feel rubbish. Then I put on weight. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a junkie, juggling thinks to try and keep me normal enough to struggle on.

I am sure, I'd do better with different circumstances, but it is what it is.... I'm not going vegan. I love a BBQ. I like doing things... am I depressed? or just fed up.
I try not reflect on who I was, and distract on bad days... But I have felt really bad on some of my worse days.

Sorry if this is a mess... & I still work, but I have a lot of say how I do things.

 

[Who am I now]

+Totally relate to your post.

 

[Falcon0006]

Dear Falcon0006, hi and welcome. I don’t pretend to know what chronic fatigue is like, but you are so very, very young to be going through such an experience. Is there any cure - apologies now for my ignorance. Are there days when it is better, or things you can do to ease it? You are remarkable in that you are holding down a full time job - you say retail. Is this something that interests you? You refer to tournaments .. what sports do you like. We have the Rugby Six Nations at the moment and I am glued to the tv. I also like football -far too old to play either now! Keep talking on this site, you will find much better qualified folk to respond to your post and everyone here cares and listens. Take time to read other threads, go to the chat room or Jim’s cafe for some light relief. But stay safe .. you are a special person x

Sorry for the late reply I had just not gotten around to checking my post, would say I was busy but forgetful is more honest. As for a cure I'm not entirely sure it seems like a bit of a medical gray area the doctors seemed quite dismissive of the effects, its quite hard to explain the exact feelings as it is an irregular feeling of tiredness where your mind can fog and your body kind of gives up on you. I have had better times with chronic fatigue to be sure, last summer during the day time I could have bouts of real energy and that felt great but I think it comes as a real blow when those feelings come and go because you're constantly readjusting. Retail isn't particularly my cup of tea but I just find myself really anxious to head into another job and go through the interview process, I was hoping to wait until chronic fatigue wore off before I did but I begin to worry that it won't or may take a very long time. I think my anxiousness really is what makes chronic fatigue all the more harsher to deal with, previously I would just exercise hard to shake those feelings but I find the wrong amount of exercising can be super damaging to my fatigue so its hard to limit it.

Im aware that Im at a low point so my mind wants to rationalize everything towards a negative outcome, so its something I shall try to work on, I think the time of year can also have a severe effect on it as I feel far more sapped than I did over summer. Hopefully I can come out stronger after all of this, I feel I have a lot of potential to do good, or at least the desire, so if and when I got over it I would want to work so hard. As for tournaments they're actually for video games, I would not say sports were my forte. Thank you for the support though its a good stress reliever

 

[Falcon0006]

Documentary is called Unrest and is on netflix

I'll have to watch that documentary it sounds cool, I haven't thought about lyme disease I think it was more to do with a viral illness I got when I travelled to Sweden but its something I can look into. The documentary sounds really interesting I sometimes feel singled out with cfs and forget that other people out there must of suffered/ be suffering with it also, so hopefully that can help me get some perspective, thank you

 

[Falcon0006]

I've suffered with Chronic Fatigue for at least 10 years. It's not much fun.

You need to be careful how you manage it. It can change, it can get better.

I was a fit active person before. I still do well compared to some with the condition, but it's all relative.
I wasn't sitting around before I got ill so the change has been also dramatic to me.

I never suffered with any anxiety or depression before.
I had worked in my career 10 years, so it wasn't due to some big life change.. I was doing quite well... I was happy.
I have not stopped doing things since, but I have fought it, refused to accept it, struggled, adaptable, felt better, felt worse..

There is a lot of mixed advice from suffers online, I've been to a help group.. and I think most agree, taking care of yourself is common sense.
There no obvious cause or treatment that I am aware of, therefore everyone is a little different.

I am personally conscious, some people have spent a lot of money trying to get well and have not..

for me, eating very healthy gave me the best results, but I admit, I only felt well, while I did moderate exercise and managed to rest lots. I did not work at that time very often.

I am not 100% that people get over it, I think is just settles down. I have learnt to understand my body over the years. Having said that, in recent years, pain and mental aspects, such as concentration are worse... I wake up feeling I have not slept. Depending if I do too much, I get sensitive to noise and light, can't read very well, words start to not make sense, I even can't talk very well some times. Awesome huh.

Guess what, I can still bench press 80KG... I struggle with cardio. I used to train 5 to 10x per week when well.

Oh, supplements, B12 help me, I tested low for this, privately < NHS dismissed it. Same as Vit D. I take Magnesium for muscle pain. I paid alot to get this list of supplements and a diet plan.

I am a nightmare, because I work... I have commitments, responsibility, my health comes 2nd. So I find way to cope... If I eat lots of carbs I can do more, but then I feel rubbish. Then I put on weight. Sometimes I feel like a bit of a junkie, juggling thinks to try and keep me normal enough to struggle on.

I am sure, I'd do better with different circumstances, but it is what it is.... I'm not going vegan. I love a BBQ. I like doing things... am I depressed? or just fed up.
I try not reflect on who I was, and distract on bad days... But I have felt really bad on some of my worse days.

Sorry if this is a mess... & I still work, but I have a lot of say how I do things.

10 years is a scary amount of time, I sometimes feel like time feels stretched out with Chronic fatigue, so I can imagine it must of been an intense struggle at times for you. My lows do not sound as low as yours, I do get the focus problems to be sure but not to the point words lose meaning sounds really harsh. I have quite a strict diet at the moment its just the help sometimes feels very minimal from that and excercise I find it so hard to make sense of how much I should do because sometimes a reasonable amount feels perfect and then other times even the smallest bit will keep me bed ridden. Plus with working in retail the amount I exert myself is kind of sporadic so its hard to tell how much physical activity I'll be doing in a given week. I know a few people who say they have gotten over CFS I think it may depend on the way in which you contract it, what age, what circumstances. I can't help but hold onto the hope that I will beat it somehow but sometimes I wonder if its an unhealthy desire to hold.

I struggle with social commitments hugely, I mean I was already a pretty anxious person but I find I want to be entertaining to my friends and outgoing but I am so far from it it makes me feel like I offer nothing to the table (because frankly at my lows I don't). I think its really messed with my sense of self/identity because I feel like the chronic fatigued me and old me are two drastically different people. It sounds like you can keep your head on your shoulders quite well though and I perhaps need to be more self-disciplined even though my uncertainty for my future well-being really scares me. Thank you for sharing though its amazing to hear someone on a similar path however rocky it may be.

 

[Falcon0006]

You have my deepest sympathies. I was extremely ill with Glandular Fever for over a year, to the point where one doctor believed I had developed Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from it. One website I used to frequent was Phoenix Rising. It was a site run by / for CFS and ME sufferers. They offered a lot of practical advice and support. Although I seem to have recovered enough to live a mostly normal life, I have not forgotten how weak, exhausted, sick and frightened I felt during the height of my illness. I know it's not much, but I can relate to your feelings of inadequacy. I really struggled to come to terms with my limits too, as someone who was always highly motivated like yourself.

I will have to give that a look over, I need all the advice I can get I feel at the moment. The initial stages of it were most definitely the most fear inducing, I remember all circulation in my body just seemed to be grinding to a halt, my hands and feet went freezing cold and I remember just needing to lie down for an entire month. I hope I can be fortunate as you were to get over it, I'm the sort of person that once Im through something I will drop all my resentment, ill will towards something. I'm definitely a poor sufferer in the moment but once its through relief will take over any other emotion. Nice to know that its not as uncommon as I might of initially expected, thank you for the support .

 

[JulieDegraw]

I'll have to watch that documentary it sounds cool, I haven't thought about lyme disease I think it was more to do with a viral illness I got when I travelled to Sweden but its something I can look into. The documentary sounds really interesting I sometimes feel singled out with cfs and forget that other people out there must of suffered/ be suffering with it also, so hopefully that can help me get some perspective, thank you

You're very welcome there's a video clip from a guy on youtube in that documentary. A young guy who's a musician. His name and the title of the video shows on the screen. His name is Ren. I looked him up on youtube after the documentary as i had to know if he was ok and he has some very interesting and useful things to say.

I hope you can use any of this and possibly get the help you need

 

[draws]

I've got a lot of empathy for you. I have bartonella (a Lyme co-infection) and it's destroying my life, with many of the symptoms that mirror cfs. In my desperate searches for clues (because nobody seems to know jack sh*t about what to do with these illnesses) I came across a book that's worth looking at. The author is suspicious. I don't doubt his story, but he's kind of grown into a money-grubbing snake oil salesman, which doesn't match his story. Even with that in mind, that book has really useful information about diet and supplements for mysterious illness. Look up Medical Medium by Anthony William. If you read it, let me know what you think.

I'd also love to hear other things you've tried that helped with your illness. My Lymie groups toss around treatments like Lymphatic Massage, Infrared Sauna, Mini-trampoline, Taking in the Ocean mist, Dry Brushing, various herbs... Because a lot of times those things help for other illnesses too.