ranting about love..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pseudospasm, Mar 21, 2007.

  1. pseudospasm

    pseudospasm New Member

    Forgive me for stealing your precious time, but I feel like a little rant and maybe a little feedback would help me see things a little more clear.
    ~~***~~

    Although my life has struck some sort of balance, it's still far from what most would consder 'normal.' I'm a lesbian. I'm bipolar. I SI. I have eating and sleeping disorders. And some other more or less significant stuff.
    Yet I consider myself a lucky person, for I am being loved.
    She was the only one to see through the mask I put up in front of everyone (most of you are probably familiar with this feeling..), the only one to break the wall I'd built around myself, the only one willing to stay with me despite the human trash that I am. The only one to ever tell me "I love you." And to mean it. She's the only one that ever really cared. She gave me a second life, that I spend trying to make her happy.
    I really love her. I'd do anything humanly possible just to put a real smile on her face. But I have fallen for someone void of trust. She never relies on anyone. Not even on the person she loves. She never cries in front of anyone, but I know she actually cries a lot. She never tells me about her past, but I can tell that she's afraid I'll think less of her or even leave her. She never asks for or wants anything, but I can figure out what she needs. She laughs a lot, but I'm certain it's fake. I want to be there for her, but she won't let me. I'll still love her, no matter what. And I'll wait for her, no matter how long. I'm not as fragile as I might seem, but her not trusting me while I trust her with my own life has really taken its toll on me. But I don't want to force her either. It's not worth ruining everything.
    I'm currently working part-time so maybe sometime in fall I can rent a small place for the both of us. Every plan I make for the future is built around her.. around us.. She's aware of that, but the the way she acts towards me has hardly changed..
    I know she does't lie when she says the only three words that ever show any true emotion coming from her. But I really dread my mind and body failing at one point if things go on at the same pace, and most probably I'll end up killing myself before she can trust me.. I keep telling myself I won't give up for her sake, but in truth, I'm not really sure how much longer I can hold onto the little bit of sanity I have left.
    I have officially failed at life.


    //
    many thanks for taking the time to read to this point.
    sorry if I submitted this to the wrong place, but it just seemed to fall into more cathegories than one, so I thought this one might just be fit.
    thanks again.