Ranting about my life

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Why did i have to wake up today and feel so fucking bad! Every fucking day i wake up, and everything fucking day i feel worse. I'm at john's for fuck sake. He doesn't want or need this, yet he's stuck with it. But there again, lets face it, i dont believe he loves me anyone. Who the fuck would want a stupid fucked up bitch like me. You can't love someone who's like i am. And he didn't take the day off to be with me. And i dont care if he did anyways, because it's not the days that are unbearable its the night. When lights go off and everything single thing i've been running from dogpiles me and leaves me wanting to reach for anything to get me out of here. He doesn't deserve this. He must be going through hell. It's not fucking fair on him. I can hide it from dad, so why can't i hide it from him. And why the hell is it that whenever he asks me something today all that comes out of my mouth is "I dont know" "I dont mind". Why is it that i woke up today incapable of deciding ANYTHING. for fuck sake, i'm 16, i should know if i'll eat food if it's given to me, i should know if i'm ok. Well, i do know i'm not ok, but i can't fucking say it. I cant say what SCREAMS over and over in my mind, again and again everytime someone, ANYONE asks me if i'm ok. I'm not ok, i'm so far from it. I feel like i've been jumping on these stepping stones trying to get away from my shit, only to realise that these are on the edge of a very high waterfall, and that i'm stuck in the middle. The water is running too fast, too strong, and i'm close to being swept off the edge. I don't want to jump, but i can't guarentee that i wont fall.
And doctors are a fuck load of good. Went to see one yesterday and he was like, come back if you start acting on how you're feeling. I ALREADY AM DIPSHIT. Thats why i'm there, because i'm TERRIFIED of myself. Every day i wake up and i feel worse. And i feel closer to letting go. And i can't fucking take it. I feel totally and utterly alone in all this, anyone reaching out to me just seems to be too overwhelmed when they actually see how fucking bad i am, and how bad i'm feeling.
I just want to curl up and cry. But that aint happening. Cus there's no one to cuddle into, and crying is one of the things that makes that grip even weaker.
I feel like i'm falling, and there's no one there to catch me or to help me hold on. I cant do this anymore. I dont know how to hold on.
No one can love someone like me


Well-Known Member
so, it was a shitty day. doesn't sound like your whole life is tied to this one specific day. this phase, like all others that we all get, will soon be over. you'll be laughing about this when you are 18. welcome to mood swings. you'll get used to it. your body is changing, you are becoming a woman. very normal i should think.
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