Ranting About My Mother (Sorry

[~Nobody~]

Sorry to be posting all this, because it's bound to be a load of rambling crap, but I really do need to Let It All Out right now...

Yesterday morning I had an appointment with a psychiatrist and a social worker. It was a hard meeting, I had a great deal of difficulty making myself go, but I did. And I'm glad. I'm finally going to be getting help (meds and therapy) to deal with all my shit.

I came home yesterday feeling quite proud of myself. My Mum asked me how it went and stuff and I told her. It didn't go down well at all! She seemed put out that they thought I needed help, and that they were going to give it to me, and that they'd been sympathetic, and everything. She was kind of funny with me all afternoon, then at supper last night she just started getting at me about everything, though I hadn't actually done anything wrong. She was drunk by this point, but that's not new.

I was really getting worked up but I didn't show it. I just politely excused myself as soon as I'd finished my food and went upstairs. A little later I came down to get some vanilla ice cream (I have a chest infection at the moment and I wanted something to soothe my throat). I was putting some in a bowl when my shitty little brother (who is 14 and really should know better) came in and said "Hey! Don't eat all my ice cream! Mummy she's eating all my ice cream!". I said that for starters it wasn't his ice cream, it was sharing ice cream, and for seconds the (small Ben&Jerry's) tub was less than a third full, and that was purely because he had eaten two-thirds of it yesterday. I said I'd take what I wanted as I hadn't had any yet, and I'd leave him the rest. My mum started going on at me about how that wasn't fair, and how we should split what was left in half.

I, for obvious reasons, disagreed, but I did what she said anyway because I didn't want to have some huge scene with my mum. I left half of what was left in the tub for by brother and started going upstairs. My brother showed my mum how little was left in the tub (despite the fact that there was no more in my bowl than that) and she went nuts. She was going "Oh how can you be so SELFISH?! You are so MEAN!!" and I was just practically exploding by this point and I came back downstairs and showed her how little was in my bowl. I started going back upstairs and she was all "You are so MEAN ~Nobody~, I don't know what's happened to you lately. You've got no excuse to be this SELFISH...". So I (fairly, I think) stomped up the stairs (yes, like a stroppy kid but it was me being angry yet restrained) went into my room, and slammed my door.

I was about to get my hamsters out to calm me down. I had no idea at this point that my mum was so desperately looking for an argument that she was going to follow me. But she did. She stormed into my room, got my by my hair, and started calling me "a monster" I told her she was the monster, and she was the selfish one, and she was also drunk, and "an old cow" or something like that. I didn't hit her, push her, pull her hair, anything. I never have. Meanwhile she's practically breaking my neck pulling my head back by my hair. I shouted "get the FUCK off me!" and she let go, went downstairs, and started complaining to her fiance about the language I use, and the names I called her, and blah blah blah. She came back upstairs and told me to go. So I did.

I am sick of this. Why does she always have to make it so everything's about her? Thinking about it now I know she just loved the idea of being able to ring up my grandma in tears and say "~Nobody~ stormed out of the house AGAIN! Why? Because I wouldn't let her have her brother's ice cream for herself!" EURGH SHE MAKES ME SO ANGRY!! I was in tears for hours last night. She hasn't contacted me at all (of course, it means she can also cry about how I haven't even spoken to her).

It's my 18th birthday on Friday! We were supposed to be having a family meal. I know how pathetic all this sounds but I am now crying again. Why can't she just be happy for me, ever?? :cry: :cry: :cry:

 

[ealdc]

I know what it's like to have a drunk parent around all the time. Don't let her get to you. I'm being hypocritical right now, cuz my dad pushes my buttons so easily. I tell him to fuck off all the time. My thinking is, he's drunk, i'm not. He's the idiot and i'm not. I don't know if you can incoorporate your mum's alcoholic behaviour as a way out for yourself. Make excuses for yourself based on her behaviour. That's what I have learned to do.

You already know that how you were treated last night was unfair. And you have all of our support. When you said your mom told you to get out, where is it that you went? Thank goodness my parents have never told me to leave when they were angry, though I have told my dad to leave plenty of times. If they did, I would have no place to go. At least I have a lock on my bedroom door:wink:

 

[Allo..]

Ohhh Hun :hug: Im sorry she was like that and that you feel that way =( Where are you now? Safe? Life isnt fair, but we have to try and keep our cool to even things out.. Please take care sweetheart, happy birthday for friday :hug:

 

[~Nobody~]

Thanks for the support guys. It really helps just to know there are people who understand.

ealdc, I'm sorry your Dad behaves the way he does :hug:. You are lucky to have a lock on your door!

Oh, and thanks for the advance Happy Birthday wishes Ally :smile: :hug:.

As for where did I go and where am I now, I went to my boyfriend's house. I am still here. Luckily his parents are understanding about it, this isn't the first time. So yeah, I am safe in a physical sense, just very wobbly mentally. It's just that bit worse because when I got in from my assessment yesterday I was feeling really proud of myself. The psychiatrist and the social worker knew how I felt, and they made me feel a bit better. Then my Mum obvously just had to knock me down a level because she doesn't like that.

I wish I wasn't physically ill and with impending exams on top of all this :sad:.

Doesn't she care that she's making me feel this miserable?

 

[~Nobody~]

Okay, so she phoned me up and told me she wasn't buying the food for my birthday meal, that if she 'feels like' throwing out any of my stuff then she will, until I can go back and pick up the rest and move out.

This isn't the first time she's said this kind of thing but now I know I have at least lost my birthday. My 18th. I don't know why she does this to me!! On the phone she was going on about how she's always having to "bend over backwards" for me, and how one day she's just going to stop caring about me altogether. She never bends over backwards for me! She can't possibly believe all this stuff she says. She hasn't bent over backwards for me since I was about six years old. She's been the cause of a lot of things that have made my life thoroughly miserable and me thoroughly mentally ill. I'm in floods of tears. What am I supposed to do now? :cry:

 

[~Nobody~]

Ha. Three posts in a row. Over 20 hours apart. No replies. I do look like a loser don't I, but what the hell.

Things have escalated. I don't know what to do.

 

[ealdc]

This is what I would do in a situation like that;

First of all, I would go back home. Unless I knew I was 100% wanted at my BF's home, I would feel better just going home.

In order to do this I would HAVE to kiss some ass. Say sorry even though I'm not, get my mom in a good mood somehow and tell her some of the things that are bothering me, but I wouldn't bring up the incident that got me into trouble in the first place.

That's just what I would do. But I do know it is very hard for some people to kiss ass when they need something. They want to stand up for themselves 24-7. My best friend was like that and after a huge fight between her and her mom she moved out at 17. She moved in with her boyfriend and family and believe it or not, into a worse situation. She got lucky and her and her bf never split and they moved out together 2 years later, but in my opinion, she would have been better off at home.

Only you know what you should do, but I think it would be best to stay at home at all costs and move out when YOU'RE ready. If you don't you probably will regret it.

I hope this helps in some way.

Oh! and bring up the fact that you were looking foward to spending your 18th birthday with your family and you are scared that may not happen now. Let's face it, your 18th birthday is a big one.

 

[silence1one]

I am new to the site.I can understand what you are going through having a mum like that, just try to ignore her by walking away,perhaps go into your own private space-bedroom,switch on your favourite music and say I am a grown up lady,I made my own decision NOT to be affected by her ignorant behaviour.I have experience lots of incidents like this not with my mum but with my partner.You can either get angry trying to tear your hair out or you choose to stay calm and in control of situation by IGNORING her or by Walking away.Hope it works for you.Good luck and take care.:rolleyes:

 

[Lou]

I can relate to everything you've said in your posts ~Nobody~

I know this is going to sound hard, but if i was you i wouldn't want to go back home, i'd spend my 18th Birthday on my own before i'd let my mum treat me this way.

You deserve better :hug: Your mum has no right to grab you by your hair

Happy Birthday for tomorrow :hug:

Good Luck, whatever you decide to do x

 

[theleastofthese]

I'm sure you already know this but your MOM has a big problem - with the drinking and her aggressive behavior toward you. Is there any safe place you can stay for a while? With a friend? Another relative? Her unhappiness at your "having problems" sounds to me like she has her own problems and now has issues about yours - like, did you get your troubles from her? did her behavior toward you aggravate/cause your problems? Perhaps that's why she came at you so violently.

I agree with the one post about apologizing (even tho you're not guilty) and trying to do your part to "get along", hard as it may be with your mom's 'issues'. Do keep your own appts with Pdoc/counselor, whoever, and be sure to take good care of YOU.

sending you love and hugs and hope for better days,

least

 

[~Nobody~]

Hello again.

Thank you all for the advice and supportive words. I find it really helps.

In terms of further developments, last night I was in a very unstable and depressed mood thinking about all this. I was in floods of tears thinking about the birthday I should really be having. I was mourning for it, I guess.

But anyway, I sent my mum a text just to say how upset i was and how I really wanted to just sort stuff out and get on with having a nice birthday and everything like that. This morning she sent me a very snappy text saying it was okay for me to go back and have a chat with her this afternoon "provided I wasn't going to have a tantrum". I resisted any kind of comeback :tongue:. I spoke to her fiance on the phone and he seemed really upset about the whole thing, and he seemed very optimistic that if I went back for a chat then mummy wouldn't get cross or anything. I said okay, and I was feeling pretty optimistic.

I went back for this chat, and it was a complete disaster.

She was really aggressive and irrational with me right from the start, even though I was doing a very good job of just biting my lip and being nice to her. Her fiance was doing his best to mediate and calm her down, bless him, but she came across as genuinely very unhinged. She said a lot of really nasty things about me. I don't really know why. She said I was "inherently selfish", and that I like trying to mess with her head and emotionally hurt her. I don't mean to sound... anything bad... but those two statements are so untrue it's not real! I'm the one person in her life who has consistently tried to protect her from physical and mental pain. I've always been there to pick up the pieces when her past boyfriends have gone mental, no matter how awful a situation she has put me in and kept me in by staying with each of them for so long.

It became clearer than ever to me today that the main issue here is to do with me being ill (mentally). I think there's a lot of emotional crap there for her, and I think that's why she's recting so irrationally to the whole thing. I think she feels guilty for exposing me to various situations involving various forms of abuse from her exes. I also think she (irrationally) feels guilty about my depression because there is a genetic basis for it, particularly from her side of the family. I think these are the reasons that she alternates between blowing my psychiatric difficulties out of all proportion and denying that I actually have any at all. Today she told me that I am not mentally ill, that I just "want" to be ill, and I'm doing all this for attention. That really, really hurt me. I feel horrible thinking about it now. But, yes, all behaviour makes sense in context so I am trying to sympathise with her at the moment.

I also think that she is jealous that I have the courage and the opportunity to get help for my problems now, at the age of nearly-eighteen. She never has got help for hers, and I honestly doubt that she'll ever feel able to. I feel really sorry for her, but I don't think it's fair of her to let all her crap fuck me up even more. Especially when I have exams and my 18th birthday and everything else on top of the extremely difficult mental stuff. She should be supporting me in getting help, in an ideal world. I think that's why this has all blown up between us since I had my CAMHS assessment and they took me seriously and offered me real immediate and long-term help.

Even now I'm trying to excuse her behaviour away. I don't know. I actually feel guilty saying bad things about her. Until I think about all the horrible stuff she has said and done to me, only today. Never mind over my whole life. I love her unconditionally. That makes me pissed off with myself. I actually think she's lucky to have a daughter like me. I'm far from perfect, but most people would have disappeared long ago. Even when I hit sixteen and she was still with the man who verbally, physically, and sexually abused me, I didn't move out. I didn't move out because I didn't want to leave her to deal with him herself. I was terrified of that man, but I was more terrified of what he could do to her. I felt utterly responsible for taking care of her, even though she wasn't really taking care of me, was she?

Eurgh, this is such a long post. I'm sorry. But then I guess this is Let It All Out isn't it, so it's a little more permissable. I'm just trying to sort my head out. I'm so upset. Obviously back at my boyfriend's. I'm lucky in that his family are being really supportive and really welcoming, I don't feel like a burden here. But I feel so awful inside when I think about what I could have (should have) had tomorrow. And I feel truly awful when I remember all the things my mum said to me today and this week.

Lou, I want to say a special thanks to you. Your post gave me a bit of courage, and it made me smile a little when I read it. Thanks for that :hug:.

Now though, I don't know what I'm going to do long-term. I guess I just have to play it by ear. I'm going to be able to be at my dad's house this weekend, because it's his weekend anyway. If my mum hasn't sorted herself out at all by Monday I guess I'll come back here. I know it's okay for me to be here. It's just sad that I have to be.

What kind of a person am I if even my own mum can't accept me? :cry: :cry: