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ranting and raving about this again

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SarahB, Oct 11, 2010.

  1. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I didn't want to double post in my other thread, but I apologise if I am posting too much.. I'm sorry if I am repetitive everywhere.. If there's a problem please tell me

    I just feel like screaming, if I could. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't stop looking at our chatlogs, pictures of him, seeing how he is acting with her. Things relating to him.

    I'm going through so many mood swings, but more often now I just feel so mad at him. So mad that I dug into my flesh with my fingernails, and it drew blood. I feel like I want to punch a wall, but I know it'd hurt my hand.

    For the longest time, I thought our relationship meant something to him. Through the whole thing, he was so sweet, he was in love, he called me his best girlfriend and was so lovey, it made me feel like the best person ever. The man who saved my life loved me, something I wished would happen for the longest. He was my soulmate and we were destined to be together, I could feel it.

    But now he's with someone else who was going to get him arrested, calling him a pedophile. He's with someone who wronged him so much. He then told me that our relationship, that meant so much to me, was like nothing to him. Saying I forced him into it. That he never really loved me like that. And now he's going to visit her after a few weeks of being in a relationship with her. While he never gave me a chance for him to visit me. In our YEARS of being in a relationship, and 6 or so months of being boyfriend/girlfriend. And after everything I did for him. He won't even take me to my prom.

    It makes me so mad, and it really breaks my heart. Deep down I know it isn't right of me, and I'm bad for thinking this, but I hope they do not work out, I hope something happens that makes him hurt, after all he did to me. it feels like he used me for sex. and he even was when he's with her. in a way I feel emotionally and psychologically raped by this man.

    they have not even said I love you in public, he said they are in a relationship, and going out, but does that even mean for certain they are bf/gf? especially when he still wants to be intimate with me? it boggles my mind why he would visit her so soon..

    oddly enough I still love him. I don't want to say goodbye to him because I want to be able to talk to him. I'm so conflicted >_<
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    You have every right to be angry, hurt and confused. And I know you are going to read my words and say "yeah right, you dont know cuz this is different." Hun I've been where you are several times now. And it doesnt get easier at all. You are being played, used and abused. He knows your weaknesses and uses them to get to you. To make you see him as only someone to love. No matter what his mistakes or shortcomings.

    Hun please, listen to your head and not your heart right now. They are fighting to be heard. But trust me, your head is in a much better place right not.

    Tell him NO! No more sex. No more contact. No more nothing. Until he gets his shit together and can treat you and only you how you expect and deserve to be treated.

    It's going to be hard. Damn hard. But you are worth much better than this. Hun you are still young. You have a lifetime ahead of you. So dont let this person destroy how you see men and yourself for the rest of your life. He is wrong here. Honestly he is. You need to stand up and show him you arent his personal toy that he can play with when he wants or he's bored of his other toys at the time.

    Please keep posting. Post 100 times the exact same thing if you need to. Post until you can see the truth to the person that you are wasting so much precious love and yourself on.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Agree totally with what Itmahanh said please don't let this person use you anymore MOVE on okay find someone who will respect you and love you with all his heart please get away from all of it and look after you now only okay please. Keep posting keep venting keep getting all that pain out and see how much wrong he has caused you and say enough and move on to better things.
  4. boo

    boo Well-Known Member

    Don't apologize Sarahb, you have every right to post here.
  5. SarahB

    SarahB Well-Known Member

    I left him a message, about how one of my problems was getting better, and he ignored me. He's being a hypocrite, saying I don't go out an do anything yet he sits home online all day. And now one of my best friends is taking this girl's side. I feel betrayed even more. I don't know what to do, I just keep getting lower and lower. Right now I don't feel as much hate as I did a few minutes ago. I feel.. empty. I really wish with all my heart that something bad happens to them both. The guy and the girl he's dating. I wish I could make it happen before he visits her. I wish I could just go to sleep. I'll be honest. Last night I overdosed on a sleep aid, it's not really something fatal to overdose on though. It pretty much forced me to sleep. It really calmed me.

    @itmahanh: No.. I can understand if people went through things like this.. I just think people go through it in different ways and deal with it differently.. Part of me feels like I'm over reacting..

    I don't even know, there's so much going on, my mind can't hold it all, I keep getting headaches thinking so much.

    That's the thing though, that I am afraid of.. That if I go away, he will not care, he will not miss me. I don't think he will treat me like I deserve to be treated, either, and it hurts. I think I deserve to be treated better than this girl he is with. I was the one who was always there for him. I was the one who helped him when she accused him of a crime and wanted him arrested. She only did it because she was jealous of me and him! And now he's two timing her going into this relationship, and still doing it! I don't want to say goodbye to him, but I really wish all of this wasn't happening. It just feels like a nightmare.. I've had nightmares like this before. I wish I could wake up and have everything be good. But it just feels like the only way to wake up is to die.

    I'm tired of all the bad things. Things always turn out bad for me. Even if I get something good I always lose it in the end. It's happened for years. My health, this, and just general life have worn me down. I have been hurt by men before him. One of my exes ended it by saying with all my illnesses I should just die. The one before that cheated on me. And now this guy who saved my life and is now destroying it. I'm so tired of being pushed down and standing up only to have it happen time and time again, but each time it gets worse. He says he did it to make me a better person, he says he cares. But how can I better myself when he just keeps piling the bad things on me?

    I feel like this is all wrong. I know he's done bad things to me. He has used me. But I want to be with him. I feel like if I can get him away from this girl things can be okay again.. I know it's stupid of me.. I don't know why after all of this I still feel so attached to him.. I feel like I could have prevented this, I feel like I could have done so much.. I feel worthless

    I want to ask you guys a question.. Opinions. This girl, she wanted to get my ex arrested out of jealousy because he went with me and not her. I think he ended our relationship out of fear she'd do it, but she changed him. Then suddenly, after he ends it with me, she says she's sorry. Isn't it common sense she wouldn't have said sorry if he had stayed with me?

    I know.. it seems like I may not be listening, or taking advice.. I don't know why this is so hard for me.. I do appreciate everything guys I really, really do. You're all so sweet, I love this forum
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 11, 2010