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Ranting in the Dark

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Multiple Man, Jan 14, 2015.

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  1. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I know only 3 people will read this but I just feel like venting. Im not worth anything anyway.... Nothing I type here will help me.

    I have this recurring conversation with myself every day. Where did your life go wrong? What is there to live for now? Can your mind be repaired? Can you continue to suffer so greatly for years and years? Are you capable of committing suicide? How will my family react? What are the consequences? Is there a God? Will my consciousness end up somewhere worse? Living with depression, anxiety, gastroparesis, physical pains, failing kidneys, and heart problems, if I only had 10-15 years left, what would change? Would dying now just save me years of suffering? Why do I have to be here? Why am I here? What am I? Continuously talking to yourself about this stuff would drive anyone even more crazy.

    I don't want to be here. If you don't like being somewhere naturally you move away. There is absolutely nothing life can offer me to justify my suffering. And there is nothing I can offer the world. But im trapped here. Probably until I die some horrible agonizing death in some poor run down hospice somewhere, drooling, staring at the wall with bed sores and a feeding tube down my throat. I cant live and I cant die..... yet. Have a burning desire to die but incapable to commit suicide right now. It takes a tremendous amount of courage for that. Something I don't have at the moment. My therapist asked me after a year of seeing her, "how can I treat you." I told her I don't think you can treat it. I don't think you can treat me. Its like when a car gets totaled it goes to the junk yard. You cant do anything with it. My mind is totaled. Theres just nothing left of me. Theres nothing there. Nothing in the mirror. This is my prison. This is my hell. If I got struck by lightening and died today it would be the greatest gift ever. What do you say to someone with nothing? What do you say to someone suffering unbearably? Hang in there? Why? For what? What am I always fighting for? To salvage this miserable life? Why does life always have to be a war. Where is the good times, the joy, the beauty. There just isn't any. My life, is me just going through the motions, and waiting to die. There is no meaning to me. It is profoundly painful beyond words to describe how sad I feel that I only get one life and this is it. This is it. But.... hey im not the only one, I just feel like im a rare case. I dunno, maybe I am. How do you treat it not wanting to live?

    Im not good at being human. I don't see a purpose. And if there is some grand purpose, Im not really interested in being a part of it. I actually hold animosity over my parents. For creating me. My mother once told me I was a mistake. That she accidentally got pregnant. A mistake. She could not be more right. I feel like the most insignificant human being in human history. The most worthless life ever.

    I almost take pleasure in knowing that everyone is going to die with me. That eventually were all gonna be in the dirt. Or ashes sprinkled over some body of water. Eventually you will suffer as I have. You will cry as I have. You will feel the sadness ive felt. If only for a moment. You will feel it. Yes. Your life was perfect and beautiful. You had everything. Money, health, happiness, joy, love, friendship, companionship, you had it all. But its just temporary. You get old, you get sicker, you lose your memory of your once perfect life, and then you die. Because my friend, death, take is it all away. I embrace death. Death will take away all your joy, but takes away all my pain. Death offers me more life ever could. I wish I could see it. All of the healthy, happy, attractive, rich people clinging to life. I want to be there to welcome you. We will all be the same. I will be nothing. But now, so will you.

    Im having a pretty morbid day...

    I feel like I gotta get something out of all of this. Life owes me something. Yes.... owes me. One year from underneath the cloud. One month even. One day. One experience. Something I can hold onto. But it will never come. I don't believe in miracles. It would really s*ck if I died and woke up somewhere even worse. Without the ability to destroy my consciousness and existence. I doubt that will be the case. Theres no treatment, or doctor, or therapy, or pill, or cure for what I have. Im just a stray dog that needs to be put down.
  2. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I try to think we are here to learn. That for some reason/sin/payment there is something we need to experience. It doesn't work like I wish. I could do without homelessness or worse yet seeing a child, any child much less my child, suffer from lack of medical care. Or the child I loved as my own die at 11 because her mother thought she needed to be 'improved" in her looks.
    I get through a day and all I see ahead of me is another day to get through.........
    It is great others say it gets better.....so glad it did for them.

    I hope you find something to look forward to. Something to take some joy from.
  3. Multiple Man

    Multiple Man Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking time.... I look forward to the day all of this is over.
  4. turryburry

    turryburry Well-Known Member

    Pretty heavy. Have you tried meds? Sorry if I've asked that before.

    I've started believing in reincarnation. Maybe this life isn't it and we get to come back. I don't know who I pissed off in the last life but the next one has got to be better! All I do is go through the motions now too. Lightening would be great because no plan is foolproof.
  5. D1979

    D1979 Active Member

    I cannot wait until this life is over either; my life is irreversibly ruined. Reincarnation would be nice, assuming I could live the life that I once lived before my misery started.
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