I'm nineteen years old. I've been struggling with social anxiety since I came out of the womb. But since the age of 13 or 14 my mental health has been so terrible. And for the past two years, I've been experiencing breakdown after breakdown. Each day feels like white water rafting and it takes so much effort to be alive. I have everything in life. I'm smart, I go to the 10th best university in the country, my dad is a doctor and pays for it out of pocket, I have talents and friends. But just functioning is so hard. Most people don't even know it. I can go from feeling depressed to feeling euphoric and happy in a matter of hours. I keep experiencing paranoid thoughts about the institutions around me - that doctors, teachers, psychologists might be out to get everyone. That I am part of a trick that has led me to do corrupt things or useless tasks (the same way Hitler could brainwash his population into allowing horrific atrocities to occur). When psychologists ask me what has "happened" in my past, I have two things to tell them basically - that my father used to emotionally abuse me since I can remember by shunning me for months or making me stay in isolation in my room for weeks for minor offenses, making the family ignore me too. Also he used to make me stand in front of him and make sure I wasn't fat, and would severely punish us if we were caught eating anything that could make us fat. And I was caught up in a bombardment in Lebanon when I was 14 while visiting family. When I do manage to clear my head and enjoy my time, I feel guilty because I know that others are starving and I'm playing. This is when terrible images and thoughts pop into my head. Hundreds of images of others suffering flood my mind. Graphic images of my brother being hit and killed by a car or other family members dying terrible deaths that haven't yet occurred. The anxiety I suffer chokes me at times and my thoughts race constantly. I've tried to be mature to fix my problems - meditating, deep breathing, being grateful for the things that I have, etc. Nothing works. If it isn't anxiety or euphoria it's this deep, hopeless depression. I keep binge eating. I've been struggling with binge and diet cycles for two years. I'm exhausted and I'm beginning to gain weight and I hate myself for that. I feel ugly. Others tell me I'm beautiful, but I just feel disgusting all the time. I want to die again. I wanted to die two days ago. Yesterday felt like heaven until midnight when I experienced paranoid thoughts and graphic images in my head. I can't keep up with all of these changes. I don't even remember my identity anymore.