Rantings of an Idiot Loser P.O.S!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ne'er Do Well, Feb 16, 2015.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Ne'er Do Well

    Ne'er Do Well Member

    First of all I want to apologize for polluting your forum with my scourge. I'm sure I'll get kicked out of here before too long. Just for being the natural born piece of crap that is me. It's a common thing. There's something about me that people just hate. It started with my family when I was a child and has never let up.

    My Username, "Ne'er Do Well" I chose it because it describes me perfectly......From Dictionary.com


    An idle, worthless person; a person who is ineffectual, unsuccessful, or completely lacking in merit; good-for-nothing.

    BINGO!! That's me!! Especially the "worthless" and "good-for-nothing" part. As I serve no purpose in this world other than to be a horrible burden to those who know me. I've left a permanent scar on every life I've touched. To know me is to hate me. All I do is complicate things. Everyone will have a better life when I'm gone! I wish I could give what's left of my life force to a dying kid or just anyone who DESERVES to live. Surely there must be someone who's more worthy than I am to breath the air and oxygen that gets wasted on me. I'm a shitty son, brother, uncle, father and spouse! All I do is take and take, and all I give in return is misery, heartache and pain! They were all just FINE until I came along and screwed it all up!

    I've come to understand something just recently. Took me 30 years to figure it out. I now understand that there is no "MY SIDE" of the story in life. Anything "bad" that happened to me when I was young was MY FAULT, and I DESERVED it! And anything so called "bad" that I may have done to others is also MY FAULT and I deserve to be punished for it! So I FINALLY get it! It doesn't matter what happened to me, only what I've done to others! I understand now, and I'll NEVER forget!

    I honestly cannot think of one single reason why I shouldn't go away. There's nothing for me here! I don't BELONG here! I've never belonged. I've never fit in. People always hate me. I'm just a loser and a piece of shit! I HATE THIS EFFIN WORLD!!! But it has shown over and over and over again since the day I was born that it hates me MORE!

    They're all better off without me!
    tHey're all better off without me!
    thEy're all better off without me!
    theY're all better off without me!
    they'Re all better off without me!
    they'rE all better off without me!

    they're All better off without me!
    they're aLl better off without me!
    they're alL better off without me!

    they're all Better off without me!
    they're all bEtter off without me!
    they're all beTter off without me!
    they're all betTer off without me!
    they're all bettEr off without me!
    they're all betteR off without me!

    they're all better Off without me!
    they're all better oFf without me!
    they're all better ofF without me!

    they're all better off Without me!
    they're all better off wIthout me!
    they're all better off wiThout me!
    they're all better off witHout me!
    they're all better off withOut me!
    they're all better off withoUt me!
    they're all better off withouT me!

    they're all better off without Me!
    they're all better off without mE!

  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Wow, there is an awful lot of self hatred there. But one thing I wanted to ask, if bad things happened to you or were done to you? How is that your fault? Especially if you were a child, how can that be your fault?
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Your side of things does matter. Hope you'll reach out, talk about what you've been through. I'm listening, and I think others here are too.
  4. smwhorses

    smwhorses Well-Known Member

    I think most of us have felt at least some of what you are feeling.
    If being depressed would cause you to be kicked I and others would not be here.

  5. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    When I saw your name, I thought it was from a fanasty book series like Drizzt Do'Urden type of name play into it

    thought it was cool until you defined it as a negative word play. Oops.

    I get it in CAPS lock that you're feeling that way that they're better off without you but can I say something.

    everyone has a story and a place in this life, they will not be better off without you because the space was reserved just for you. Things in life happens for a reason. And things that was dealt to you might sound unfair or lousy but they were given to you specifically because life knows you're able to deal with it.

    :hug: I still like the username even if it means negative to you. It was very creative.
  6. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    Dude. Cant you talk to someone about this? It is hard to accept help but talking about it honestly to a professional, they can get you the help you need.

    Your wife is going to be paying for your burial costs and theyre not cheap. Have you thought of hardships you will be passing onto your wife because of what you want to do?
  7. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    You hate yourself because you ruin everyone's life around you, because everyone hates you, and because you complicate everything.
    How do you want to solve these problems? You can try any number of things that involves living.
  8. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    :( that sounds really rough. There is a lot going on here but you dont really say what it is. I hope you try and see things from a different point of view soon though xx
  9. Ne'er Do Well

    Ne'er Do Well Member

    My wife! My WONDERFUL WONDERFUL wife!!

    Met her online on yahoo NFL chatroom. She wasn't there to chat. She had some office pool thing with a bunch of hard football questions she had to find. I answered 90% of them for her. I guess I was nice about it because she came back the next day. That was Jan. 31, 2002. I eventually moved from there to here, and we've now been in a very loving and understanding marriage for almost 6 years.

    So why is this idiot so effed up!?!

    Before I moved here, I was perfectly healthy and virol. Had a broken wrist and my appendix out. That's it. And I've paid my own way in life since I was 15.

    You can see where this is headed, can't you? It's much much worse than you can imagine. I really don't even feel like writing all this out again.

    It's ju been 8+ years of medical HELL!! I've put her through so much. She literally has PTSD. I'm Not exaggerating. All I've done is basically move up here and ruin her life. What's the biggest emotional hammer is that with all the meds Im on, I can't get her pregnant. She has no kids. She's now 37. She would be the most incredible mother! (Here comes the tears) it's not fair! It DESTROYS me every time I think about it. Which is every time I see her beautiful face.

    I have life insurance, so any funeral i'd have is paid for. She's still young enough to meet a real man and have a kid and a good, normal life. I just need to GO AWAY!!

    Forgot to mention that we've already had to file bankruptcy due to impossible medical expenses, and it looks like we might be headed that route again. It would be MUCH MUCH cheaper for her if I were gone.

    She deserves so much better. She's been my angel. If not for her I'd be dead. In more ways than one.

    "If you love someone, set them free." Free from me.
  10. poisonedresistance

    poisonedresistance Well-Known Member

    :S so she has stuck by you through all of that and you still want to bounce? I understand that your feeling guilty about the health problems, but in reality unless this is something you did to yourself, it couldn't be helped , so feeling guilty about it wont help either of you.
    maybe you need to talk about what the next step is and see if you can 'predict' what might happen next so you can have a 'plan' in place. You guys obviously love each other, a problem shared is a problem halved.
  11. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    She sounds awesome, have you looked into fertility doctors to see what's wrong? 37 is not too late.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.