Rape and death fantasies

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by allison, Feb 5, 2009.

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  1. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry for those of you who may be offended by this, but I seriously think something's wrong with me. Like I'm sick in the head or something. Or that something's not right with my brain. I don't know what I should be doing about it.

    For a few years now I've fantasized about being raped. No, they're not dreams, like when I'm sleeping--they're actual fantasies, daydreams. I try to suppress them as much as I can because I know rape is a horrible thing, and people out there have actually been raped and it's torn them up inside, but sometimes I just can't help it.

    It's sick, I know, and I feel bad whenever it happens.

    Do any of you know why I may be fantasizing about things like this? It's not just rape sometimes...

    Sometimes I fantasize about dying or killing myself. And on really rare occasions, I think about what it would be like if my mom or dad died, or my siblings, or my grandparents. I know it's terrible, but I've never lost a loved one and I know plenty of people who have and, on some level, I want to know what it's like, losing a loved one.

    One time, when my grandfather was sent to the ER, I actually thought, "Finally, maybe I'll finally know what it feels like." Afterward, I felt so horrible about it I began to cry. Not because of the thought of losing my grandfather, but because I realized how horrible I was being thinking that. It's that bad. And the worst part is I don't know why I'm like this.

    I just feel really bad thinking and fantasizing about these things. Does anyone know what I can do to stop it all? Or, at least know why it happens?

    Again, I'm very sorry if I offended anyone--especially those who've been sexually abused or have lost loved ones.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 5, 2009
  2. the fleet asleep

    the fleet asleep Well-Known Member

    i have a weird fascination with the same kinds of things. not necessarily rape, but just bad things in general. im a chronic worrier.

    any time i havent heard from someone, i begin to thing that something bad has happened. ill spend the next few hours going over everything from my head, and play out scenarios of how id react to different kinds of bad news. sometimes i spend hours and hours wrapped up in my own head, thinking about whatd be like to have someone close to me die.

    i remember being 15, and watching the 911 attacks on a school tv. it was horrifying to watch these things happening live, but i still couldnt help but anticipate what would happen next. there was a part of me that wanted more things to happen, and i recognize how terrible that is.

    this is one of the things about myself that u have always struggled to understand. im not entirely sure why i spend so much time fantasizing about terrible things, but i dont think it makes me a bad person one way or the next. i wish i wasnt obsessed with the worst possible outcome for every situation, but i am.

    i cant really help you as to why you think the way you do, but youre certainly not alone in your mindset. if it really bothers you, then maybe some kind of therapist/psychologist could help you figure things out. personally, i think its more common than either of us realize.

    or maybe not

    anyway, try not to harp on it too much. just because you think about terrible things at some points, doesnt mean your a terrible person at any point. stay safe
  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    this is such a powerful and soul destroying thing to fantasise about, not sure if i can answer this correctly but maybe, and this is just a guess but i think you really hate yourself for some reason, rape is such a violent and controlling attack on the mind and body that to want to experiance this shows such self loathing and to be honest niavety on your part that shouts help loudly.
    sorry if its not sugar coated but i believe you need some professional help with this so you can get some true understanding of how you feel.
  4. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    I am no psychologist, but I don't think that what you all are fantasizing about is as terrible as you think. I think you are HUMAN.

    Regarding the rape fantasies: It is not uncommon for people to use rape as a sexual stimulant. Again, please, anyone who has been raped, do not be offended by this; bear with me. It ties into the whole fetish thing--dominating vs. submitting; tying people up, etc. I think that fantasizing about it and using rape as a type of sexual stimulation is quite normal. The difference lies in knowing that it is purely fantasy. For we all know that truly being raped is nothing less than horrific and traumatizing. And real rape is about power and control, not sex.

    As for how the thoughts you had when your grandfather went into the hospital, I think those thoughts are called curiosity. I remember in my early 20's going through a period of complete curiosity about how it would feel if someone very close to me died. It wasn't something I was obsessed about, but it was definitely something I thought about and felt very curious about. Then, at the age of 23, my best friend was killed in a bicycle accident. For awhile, I felt guilty, thinking I'd brought it on, but I know now that I didn't. I never even imagined that she would die!!!

    And as for the twin towers...you and the rest of the world kept waiting for what would happen next. Again, we are HUMAN. Witnessing the twin towers was so unlike anything many of us have ever witnessed before in our lives, let alone thought it was even possible. We watch things blow up daily in movies and television shows. We are programmed (if you will) to be mesmerized by tragedy. And the twin towers, as tragic as it was, was still very distant for many of us. I personally did not know anyone directly affected by it, so being that much further away from it, it does make a difference in how you'll deal with it.

    Now, all of that said, I'd say that most of us posting here, on this website, could use some therapy--we're here for a reason, and it's not a good one. So I completely agree with Andy in that getting some professional help would be a good idea. But I really think you, Allison and "now think later" could be a little kinder to yourselves. You are obviously self-aware and you both know that these fantasies are merely fantasies. And clearly you are not thrilled by them, so maybe you need to take the next step; get some help; go for some therapy. But unless you are planning on going out and raping someone or blowing something up, I'd say you're just fine, normal and completely part of the human race. :)
  5. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    Not sure about the rape issue, but I can relate to the thoughts about committing suicide and losing a loved one. Sometimes it's like I'm desperate for bad things to happen to me, like I feel I deserve it, like I want to punish myself.
  6. Mikeintx

    Mikeintx Well-Known Member

    Yes, I felt very much the same. Completely terrified(and afraid for those people), but at the same time, I wanted more stuff to happen. It was exciting, and I was depressed so I think it just fit with my mindset at the time. I believe these thoughts are mostly just linked with depression...
  7. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Thank you guys for the replies. It kind of helps knowing some of you experience the same things too, and that it could all just be that we're just human. <3
  8. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    I go a step further. I sometimes read about executions and torture on Wikipedia for sexual gratification. Not fake stuff like in movies. Reality. Torture methods that were ACTUALLY used in the middle ages, and even modern times... We're all fucked in the head one way or another, and if we could all come to terms with that we'd be happier as a species.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Fantasies/dreams are not real representations and are not literal...often times, our fears and such play out in ways we cannot make fully sense of in real life...dreaming is not good or bad...it is when one acts on these things that there should be a judgment...J
  10. El_

    El_ Well-Known Member

    I think about and dream about similar things, but even raping and killing other people. My pyschologist also tells me not to worry about it, as long as i wouldn't do it, and i wouldn't. Theres just times when my depression takes over, and i worry that i will. But it is just to do with sexual fantasies. Domination and submission really.

    I personally blame it on things i have witnessed in my life, and all the bullying and beatings i went through during my school & college years. If you still feel distressed by how your feeling, you can find somebody like a counsellor to talk to about it, maybe they can help you.

    Take care.
  11. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Hi, thank you all for replying and letting me know I'm not alone in this.

    I noticed a lot of you suggested going to see a therapist or psychologist. This is one of my problems.

    First of all, I think my parents would be ashamed if I had to go and see one, and I don't think I could ask them because I know that this is how they would react. I have other problems, too, that I think might need professional help, so I've always been attracted to this option. But it's my parents, really. They've always thought that the reason there aren't many psychologists in our country (yes, there are very few, like only in schools where it's required, possibly) is because there's a "good family support system." I, meanwhile, think differently. They all just try to hide the "embarrassment" and think that seeing someone happy once after being sad is enough. My mom probably doesn't even think psychology may work, since when I wanted to take that for college, she expressed strong dislike for it.

    Second of all, I mentioned this earlier. There aren't a lot of psychologists in our country as it's not really an option plenty of the people here take, probably for the previously stated reasons. I don't think I could go to the school psychologist, though, since I don't think I may feel comfortable telling them any of my problems. I may be more comfortable with a person who's not affiliated with the school. But again I don't know how to find anyone because my parents probably won't like the idea...
  12. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    It's unfortunate that your folks are so narrow-minded about this.

    How old are you, if I may ask?

    If your parents are little help to you, then maybe you do need to go through your school. I think that this might be an option you can try. It's worth looking into, in any case.

    Therapy is a good way of safely working on facing some of the anguish we have inside of us.

    I know that there is still a stigma attached to things like mental illness, psychotherapy (and they are not always connected, by any means), and with time and effort, along with the strength of people dealing with these things, the stigma can slowly be lifted, so that people like your parents can change their views about these things.
  13. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Yes, it is unfortunate. If I could open up something like this to them, I would.

    I'm 17 turning 18 this year.

    I know therapy could help, but again, there's my parents' problem with it. Thankfully, though, this site is here because it definitely helps a bit.
  14. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    hope my pm's help hun :hug:
  15. Fern17

    Fern17 Well-Known Member

    You are at an age where you don't need your parents' permission to get therapy. They don't need to know about it. If I were you, I'd try to get some kind of help so that you can talk about any issues bothering you.

    But in any case, it's definitely good to have this site...it's really nice to have people to talk to. But remember...people here aren't professional counselors.

  16. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Even though your parents aren't keen on you taking up phsycology as a profession, the choice is ultimately yours. I think it is an honorable profession to help others in need. It also pays very well. my therapist gets $140 an hour. $40 from me and $100 from the insurance. She also had seveere depression and some of the other illnesses that go hand in hand with it. One day she said thats enough and went to school for therapy. She is very good at what she does because she has been there and knows what we go thru on a dailey basis. Just food for thought... Don't let them take your dreams away, stay faithfull to yourself!!!~Joseph~
  17. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    They do, thank you <3
  18. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    Aw thanks. But thankfully I did follow my dreams. They changed, actually, so now I'm studying to be a writer :) I know psychiatry pays well, but not where we come from since not a lot of people go to psychiatrists here... But I still find psychology very interesting, though <3
  19. allison

    allison Well-Known Member

    I'm old enough? I thought you had to be 18... :) Thanks. I'll try and do this. <3
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