raped and abused for 12 years

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by lost_child, Oct 16, 2007.

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  1. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member

    The box I had closed and hidden away as opened and is now spilling over, I thought I could deal with it..how naive. this weekend I found out my older sister was abused by old man, my younger sister my uncle, both abused me. I was abused by 4 people, and was raped when I was 9 after a game of kiss chase by someone older then me went wrong. I was also raped at 15 by 2 men who I knew for several years...when I was 18 I was raped by an unknown man, January of this year i was sexually attacked by 5 men.
    I've tried to rebuild my life, I knew they were things I had to face so I could find peace and I start of the self discovery journey..that was the biggest mistake ever..opening that box has opened to many wounds, to many questions, too many feelings.

    I can't continue this. sorry.

    Yes I want to die, I am scared of living, scared of waiting for it to happen again. I can't deal with the mixed, confusing memories that keep coming up, and staying. I want to die. I want to die. I don't care if they win. seeing their faces everyday is more then I can take.
  2. possessednomad

    possessednomad Well-Known Member

    I cant even begin to understand this of course, and i dont pretend that i do. not every guy is like this. im so sorry your life has been damaged (well, destroyed but hopefully able to be rebuilt) by these scum.

    dont know what to say just wanted you to know that im thinking of you (i actually am, even though i dont know you). hope someone with similar experiences comes along to help you soon.

    ok i dont care id i admit it im back again (editing).admittedly im crying, for the first time in literally months. despite everything (well, what id call everything).
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 16, 2007
  3. lost_child

    lost_child Well-Known Member


    Just what happened - trying to peice it all together.

    A child, wild, mad, angry, couldn't sit still to even have a book read.

    Her father was violent towards mum, brother and sisters
    Her father sexually abused her - penetration DID NOT happen
    Her father also possibly sexually abused her older sister - unconfirmed as sister doesn't want to acknowledge.
    How many days, weeks, months, years did it go on?
    She can't remember how she felt nor did she know what was happening, just that she wasn't being physically hurt.

    Her father moved out and re-married.

    Her mother agreed to him having them for the 6 weeks school holidays.
    She was in the room with the boys
    Her sisters in the room with the girls
    Her father and he's wife worked during the day.
    The children all went to the adventure playground during the day
    She got an earache and was taken to the hospital by her father.
    Her sister stepped on rusty nail and was made to suffer until she got back home.
    The eldest boy started to sexually abuse the girl on the first night, it only lasted 3 weeks
    He tried to penetrate her, but she can't remember if he did or not.
    The 6 week holiday was cut to 3 weeks as she told her father what had happened and they were sent home.

    About a year (give or take a few months), the child was having continous nightmares.
    Her older sister told her mum.
    Her mum told her to show her what he done using her sister to show.

    Her brother hated her.
    He would hit hear head against the wall.
    Pull her down the stairs
    kick her, punch her
    mum left him to it.
    he would put he's hands around her throat.
    head butt her
    he shouted at her
    he told her noone had to look after her
    he told her she was on her own and noone loved her.
    he told her she wasn't he's sister.
    it continued for 20 years

    Mum had a new boyfriend, an irish man. He's brother was funny, kind and gentle.
    He wasn't, he drank too much with mum
    When she was ill with Hep, she had to remain in the bathroom with it filled with steam (created by running the hot taps constaintly)
    He was drunk, and mum was.
    They gave her a drink, don't remember what it was but it made her sick.
    Mum left them in the bathroom.
    He then hurt her, showered her, and called for her mum.
    Mum gave her more drink, and then took her to bed.

    They didn't last very long possibly a year.

    She was naughty at school
    The school bully was always trying to kiss her.
    The school bully was playing kiss chase, went to kiss her and she hit him and ran away.
    That night she went to the park as normal.
    He was there.
    Everyone left, just them two playing.
    He pulled her off and she feel onto the wood chip.
    she kicked him.
    he kicked her between the legs
    he then kissed her with hes's tongue in her mouth
    and then pulled her pants off and penetrated her.
    she went home, possibly crying she doens't remember.
    went to the bathroom.
    mum came into the bathroom saw blood in her knickers
    had her a sanitary towel and told her to clean herself up.

    Her uncle hated her, and her little sister. he was the one that kicked her father out after he pulled him off mum.
    He would hit them
    tell them they were unloved
    when they spoke he told them they mouths were dirty
    he would lock them in the cold bathroom (it was a old house and had no heating in there)
    He would wash they mouth out with soap.
    He got her drunk she doesn't rememebr what happened only how she felt the next day.
    He said we were making mum ill
    He said we were evil
    He would hide things and say we stole them
    I don't remember everything, and he know longer talks to us.

    She somehow reached 10 years old ~ her grandad she loves him with her whole heart passed away after a battle with lung cancer, he died the day before he was due to meet my now step dad.

    Little did she know, that her life would change ever more once her grandad died.

    No more can be shared, she needs to understand, find the first 10 years of her life before she speak about what happened after ~ there's parts missing, the puzzle is not complete, she now has feelings about the times, she is trying to find out how this can happen and no1 notice, how to the outside world we were a normal family. She is remembering more, like an old black and white film where the picture is fuzzy, they images u can't work out or understand, but you feel sick in the stomach, is your mind about to show you something else.

    Please don't belittle me, or shout at me. I don't like hearing people shout, I don't like hearing women scream, I don't like confortentation. Please don't say I don't need to know anymore, how can I find out who I am, if I don't know who the little girl was, and what happened to her and why she was left on her own to deal with the past
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