When I was a four year old boy my dad raped me a few times. It's difficult to remember how many times. Obviously I didn't know what rape was back then. He called it 'having my nappy changed'. Only I was four so I didn't need a nappy and having your nappy changed doesn't involve your Dad sticking his penis in your rectum. Once he told me he was going to do it and I said 'NO!' Then he got angry with me. I thought I was a 'bad boy' because my Dad wanted to have sex with me and I was saying no. How messed up is that? My Dad wasn't a paedophile. His wife, my mother had left him for another man and so he decided he would have sex with his son instead. Eventually he stopped doing it and told me he never would again. But the damage was done. All my life I've had massive mental health problems. Even as a child. It was only in my twenties I thought about these memories I had and realised what had happened. When I was a kid I was always making up some reason that something was wrong and crying about it when really there was nothing. But of course there was something, I just didn't understand what it was. He completely messed up my life. For what? Couldn't he have just masturbated? What kind of man decides to use his own 4 year old son as a sex toy? I've never told anyone this before. I just wanted to, so there it is.