Raped by my Dad aged 4

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by bornin2chaos, Sep 8, 2012.

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  1. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    When I was a four year old boy my dad raped me a few times. It's difficult to remember how many times. Obviously I didn't know what rape was back then. He called it 'having my nappy changed'. Only I was four so I didn't need a nappy and having your nappy changed doesn't involve your Dad sticking his penis in your rectum.

    Once he told me he was going to do it and I said 'NO!' Then he got angry with me. I thought I was a 'bad boy' because my Dad wanted to have sex with me and I was saying no. How messed up is that?

    My Dad wasn't a paedophile. His wife, my mother had left him for another man and so he decided he would have sex with his son instead. Eventually he stopped doing it and told me he never would again. But the damage was done. All my life I've had massive mental health problems. Even as a child.

    It was only in my twenties I thought about these memories I had and realised what had happened. When I was a kid I was always making up some reason that something was wrong and crying about it when really there was nothing. But of course there was something, I just didn't understand what it was.

    He completely messed up my life. For what? Couldn't he have just masturbated? What kind of man decides to use his own 4 year old son as a sex toy? I've never told anyone this before. I just wanted to, so there it is.
     
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    It's always a good move to get a thing like this out in the open (speaks from experience).

    Now is the time to seek professional help, so that you can come to terms with what happened and stop being a prisoner of the past.

    You've done the hard, brave bit, you've finally told someone and we've heard.
    Now go the next step and get the help that will enable you to , not forget, but move on from the past.
     
  3. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks Terry. I don't plan on telling any professionals about my abuse at the moment. I think the biggest problem with being abused at such a young age is that for much of my life I didn't realise what had happened. I'm sure it had a devastating effect on my personality and is the underlying reason behind my psychotic breakdowns. The memories I have of it are the memories of a four year old, just of pain and confusion. It took a long time to gradually realise what they were.

    The most important thing is that I've actually worked out what happened. Now I feel better about having made such a mess of my life. After all, it's hardly surprising I didn't become a successful, mentally stable individual with that childhood. My parents constantly arguing for the first three years of my life with me caught in the crossfire, then, when my mother finally left, my dad abusing me. That's why I called myself bornin2chaos.

    Now I just want to pick up the pieces and try and make the most of life. Thanks for listening.
     
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    I had a memory like swiss cheese, bits and pieces would flash through my mind and it was years before it caused a complete crash and burn.
    In a way, the breakdown was the best thing that could have happened and even luckier, it was picked up on and help was given.
    It will, indeed, have had a profound effect on how you have functioned, are still functioning.
    Remembering is a hellish journey, don't be surprised if you find you cannot do it alone.
    I hope this is the beginning of a new, good life for you.
     
  5. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks Terry.
     
  6. Royalsapphire

    Royalsapphire Member

    Hi!
    I'm so sorry for your problem.. I agree with you to not speak with psychologist or any others kinds if you don't need.
    By the way, I think the most important problem for you is that you wasn't love really by your father...
    If... you want, try to describe what in what your memories do create problems on your life...
     
  7. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    I've just kept having psychotic breakdowns which have ruined my chances of having a career. Also I self harmed and I've got burn scars on my arm that I have to live with. I'm sure all these problems wouldn't have happened if my Dad had never sexually abused me.

    To anyone reading this. However bad things get. Never self harm. The relief from self harming lasts a few hours. The damage to your body lasts a lifetime. There are other ways to cope. Using self harm will only make thing worse in the long term.
     
  8. Royalsapphire

    Royalsapphire Member

    I'm so sorry for you! But, try to think in what his abuse had an impact on you!
    I mean, that torture you've received by him, are gone now!! You're father can't hurt you anymore! Nobody can't! So why are you still afraid? Don't you think you will able to find love? A pure love! Some who can really give you love!?...
     
  9. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks Royalsapphire but the most important problem was not that I wasn't really loved by my father. The most important problem was that my father raped me time and time again when I was four years old. It was the presence of horrific sexual abuse causing massive psychological trauma that caused the problem not the absence of love. I got raped when I was a very young child and that's what damaged me. Please don't try and turn this into some airy fairy bullshit.
     
  10. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    I am not still afraid. Did I say I was still afraid? The abuse impacted on me in that it stopped me functioning well during my life and prevented me from having success. It led to me self harming and having mental health problems.
     
  11. Royalsapphire

    Royalsapphire Member

    What I mean is that If you can't forget that cruel memories, is because you need something you don't have...
    Do you think you would feel better if your father were punished?
    You have got someone to you believe in ?
     
  12. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks Royalsapphire. But I wish to write on this no longer for now. Good luck.
     
  13. Royalsapphire

    Royalsapphire Member

    As you want! I'm sorry!
    Just tryed to help you.
    Bye :)
     
  14. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I just want to say I'm really sorry for what has happened to you, and I'm sorry it had such a massive effect on your life, of course it would, why wouldn't it. But what I'm glad about is, that you are speaking about it. talking does help x
     
  15. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks CocaCola.
     
  16. angel jazz

    angel jazz Active Member

    I to have been abused from my father from young age I'm sorry about how its affected u xxx
     
  17. bornin2chaos

    bornin2chaos Member

    Thanks angel jazz. I think it happens a lot. So many people have sex with their own children. I've encountered some deeply troubled people in my life and I wonder what happened to them, maybe the same thing as me. One time I got admitted to mental hospital and there was an 18 year old girl in there who was pregnant by her father. I'm trying to forget the last 33 years of my life and start afresh.
     
  18. angel jazz

    angel jazz Active Member

    Yes very sad some us are still in it safe hugs to u
     
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