Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by GhastlyDemise, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. GhastlyDemise

    GhastlyDemise Well-Known Member

    I was raped when I was 12. Now I'm 14 and have managed to build something up with another guy again. But to tell you the truth, I'm scared as hell. He wants to sleep with me, while I cannot even imagen myself in bed with a man ever again.
    I feel really bummed, if I don't do it, I'll probably loose him. And if I do, well, nothing bad happens. The only problem is I just can't.

    Does anybody has an idea about how I can get rid of my fears for man and/or sleeping with them?
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Have you ever told anybody about what happened?

    If you trust this guy, then explain to him your concerns. If he walks away from the relationship because you want to hold off on a physical relationship for time being, then he is not worth it at all. He is shallow and only after sex. If he cares about you, then he will wait as long as you need to, he won't pressure you and he will support you.

    At 14 you are still young so please take you time and try not to get pushed into anything.

    It might also help you to have some sort of therapy to help you deal with what happened when you were 12. Rape is an awful thing to have to go through and it is a testament to your strength that you are fighting.

    If you can talk to a doctor/parent/teacher/an adult that you trust, and get them to help you find some support, that would be a really good thing for you to do. It would be scary, but it would be worthwhile in the long run. Can you think of anyone you can tell?

    If you have already told someone, then maybe you could ask them to come with you to the doctors to tell them and get yourself some help for what you are going through right now.

    You are a true fighter, and that is amazing. So hang on in there and keep fighting.

    You will get there.
  3. Adeline

    Adeline Well-Known Member

    Hi GhastlyDemise,

    The only way you can get rid of your fears is by getting some professional help to deal with the trauma of what happened. (You have probably heard that one before right? Maybe you are sick of hearing it. Sorry that I don't have an easier solution to offer you.) I wouldn't advise sleeping with him if you are not ready to. You will probably regret it and then you will be further traumatised from the experience. If he dumps you for not sleeping with him, then he is a total loser. You don't deserve that kind of treatment.

  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni


    Aside from the fact that emotionally a 14 year old isnt ready for the full implications of a physical relationship, there is also the physical problems that early sex can cause. The earlier you start having sex (on a regular basis) the more likely you are to get cervical cancer. Don't want to scare you but hun, please wait at least another couple of years.
    As to the guy leaving if you dont sleep with him, if he does that he wasnt worth having in the first place.

    With regards to the rape, you need to talk to someone about this hun or it will fester and eat away at you and stop you ever having a decent relationship with anyone else. If you're scared about who to talk to the Rape Crisis people are great with this kind of thing.
  5. ybt

    ybt Guest

    i disagree with terry. i think you should be able to have sex at 14, but only so long as you're ready and want to (consent is a big thing, don't force yourself if you don't want to), and you're very careful about it. don't catch STD's or get pregnant (unless the latter you want to)
  6. GhastlyDemise

    GhastlyDemise Well-Known Member

    I'm allready seeing a counseler, a psychiatrist. It seems I have some kind of disorder, coming close to a depression.
    I never talked about this in any of the sessions. Most of the time I try to, but I just can't. I'm having a hard time coping with my past, and this is just one thing I can't cry out loud.

    Maybe you're right about my boyfriend, but nevertheless, I do love him, and I cannot just let him go. But if I keep refusing, he'll let me go.
    I know that losing him won't be good for my mental state right now. My suicidal thoughts just got less, I dunno how this will inflict that.

    I know I need to talk to somene about the rape. It's just hard when you still see that guy every day and you know what he's capable of.
    Rape Crisis might be an option, but I'm dutch. And not that good in English to talk about my rape in another language then my own.
  7. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    hey GhastlyDemise, I just read this.

    If you ever want to talk to a fellow Dutchie, feel free to add me on instant messengers. My MSN is ester@shooru.com.

    Meanwhile I'll try to find some Dutch institution where you could talk about it, if you want.

    Sending you many virtual hugs :hug: :hug:
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    It's good that you already have support. Maybe you could try writing things down and showing your therapist. It is often easier to write things down. Maybe you could print your first post off (the one at the top) and show your therapist.

    It is baby steps, it might feel safe writing about it for a while, and then maybe you might be able to verbalise how you feel and talk about it. Just take a small step at a time honey.

    Is there any sort of rape crisis in your country? Maybe you could try and see what they have to offer. There might be charities around that can help you and stuff like that.

    Hang in there honey
  9. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    okay I don't know if it's of any help to you, but I have searched around the internet a bit and I found a few sites in Dutch which might help you:

    http://www.hetforum.nl/psychologie/ -> als je hier naar beneden scrollt is er in de categorie "Traumatische ervaringen" het forum 'seksueel misbruik', waar je kunt praten met anderen als je wilt

    http://www.frederike.nl/cgi-bin/scripts/db.cgi?&ID=316&ww=1&view_records=1 -> Dit is eigenlijk een stuk tekst, maar ik denk dat dat zeker het lezen waard is.

    http://www.seksueelgeweld.nl/ -> misschien heb je hier ook iets aan.

    I hope those sites are of any help for you, and once again if you want to talk to another dutch girl, feel free to add me on your MSN
  10. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    I understand where you're coming from, I can't get close to anyone either and the thought of sex makes me feel sick. I'm not gonna lecture you but as already been said, you're only 14. I don't know where you live but I know the age of consent is 16 in the UK and varies in the US (I think) and other countries but even so..... you shouldn't have sex until YOU feel ready to. Don't allow your boyfriend to pressure you and if he drops you the ultimatum to have sex or he'll leave you or continues pressuring you then you should consider whether this guy is really worth it.

    Have you told the police about the rape? If you are willing to then it may get this man off the streets. I hope you don't mind me asking, but is this person a family friend or a relative? You say you see him every day. If so, or even if he isn't, I think it's important you talk to a relative about this or a good friend, someone you trust. Even better if you can gather the courage to tell your counselor. I know it's difficult, you could try writing a letter, and pass the letter over to the counselor in one of your sessions.

    Take care of yourself, and feel free to PM me anytime.
  11. Darken

    Darken Well-Known Member

    Sorry to to tell you the truth but guys lie to get in your pants. I personaly would never do something like that but alot of dudes will. You need to be very carefull and make sure he really loves you, or you will be used.
  12. GhastlyDemise

    GhastlyDemise Well-Known Member

    The guy's name's Ricardo. He's a family friend, and sort of my friend. He still comes over to visit, and I can't just hate him then. That'd be a shame for my both parents. Besides, they wouldn't believe me anyway...
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Why do you think your parents wouldn't believe you?
  14. GhastlyDemise

    GhastlyDemise Well-Known Member

    They never do. I'm not good enough. I'm not christian. I don't do good enough at school. I'm hanging out with the wrong friends. My clothes are too baggy. I'm too fat. I cost too much. I'm home too late. I don't study enough.
    In short: I'm not the perfect kid they want me to be.

    And they make me feel it.
  15. Jewel

    Jewel Well-Known Member

    I know the feeling hun!
    My parents want's me to be perfect also..
    But i'm not, and nobody is!
    I'm glad i'm not perfect, pff, what a live.. Youre good in everything, there is no challenge more in youre live..

    Maybe you can talk with youre parents about it?
    That's what I did, en they are now allot easier in things..
    I told them i'm not perfect, and i'm not like them!
    I'm me, and I think that's good enough!

    You're parents should be proud of you.. It's a same the don't..

    But i'm proud of you! I really am, you talk about things here.. Not everybody cans..
  16. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I can totally relate to that hun.
    I'd say, like Jewel suggested, try talking to them about that first. I know it's hard but believe me, it might help a lot. You will probably feel relieved afterwards!
    And once they understand and see that nobody is perfect and that everybody is unique and fine in their own way, they might understand you more.
    And then maybe you can talk to them about the situation with Ricardo.

    It's very important to have your family's support.
    Please do talk to them, like Jewel suggested. She says she's feeling better in regards to that, that her parents have chilled out and such. I on the other hand have never really talked with my parents and eventually that's one of the causes why I don't have any contact with them anymore at all (but then again I might be an extreme case :huh: ).

    Here if you wanna talk, hun! :arms:
  17. GhastlyDemise

    GhastlyDemise Well-Known Member

    He was here. With his parents. That's not such a big problem, as long as I can keep my distance, but then my parents decided to go take a hike with his parents. Leaving me alone with him.
    I immediatly started screaming, crying and smashing anything that was on my hands. I didn't even knew I reacted like that. A switch just turned on and a voice in my head saying: NEVER BE ALONE WITH HIM AGAIN! NEVER!!!
    My parents were shocked. They quickly left with his parents, after saying to Ricardo he should comfort me, that I probably just was upset about something. He went to sit next to me, wrapped his arms around me. My parents were walking past the window and my mum nodded in his direction, saying that he was nice to comfort me. I shivered all over and I just couldn't move.
    He kissed me on the cheeck, slid onder my shirt. I sat there just frozen. All these images of the rape just flashed through my head. He whispered in my ear that we could do it again. I freaked out. I jumped up, shaking him off like a spider. He was surprised by the resistance so I slapped him in the face and ran away.
    It was so stupid, fleeing out of my own house. I went to a place I used to sit as a child, and stayed there for the rest of the day and the night. I don't believe I slept, but I can't remember.
    I came back, and my parents were really mad. I bursted out into tears and just told the whole story. I hoped they would understand, but my dad got all red in the face and yelled at me. I was a whore and a liar, and Ricardo would never do anything like that. He was a good boy, but I was stupid. I was a troublemaker and just costed money. He never wanted to see me again.

    I'm at a friend's house now. I can only stay for so long. I still hope my parents call me and tell me they're sorry and that I can come back, but that's likely not to happen. I dunno what I'm gonna do when I have to leave here too. Maybe fostercare, if I could get to arrange it...
    Anyhow, even though the talk with my parents went really bad, I want to thank you all for you help. You meant good. I appreciate that.
  18. scared_child

    scared_child Account Closed

    honestly, hun, if you think that you will lose him if you dont sleep with him, he isnt even worth it. i am around your age, and i understand the pressure to have sex. but, dont until YOU are over your rape. i got raped too, and it took me awhile to get over it. talk to him about it. *smiles* good luck

    HOT~DAWG~MAMA Active Member

    I agree COMPLETELY with that above statement.

    If you're with someone that is going to leave you over not having sex with them, then they aren't worth it at all to begin with. Part of being in a relationship is listening and understanding eachother, or else it's not a relationship at all. So do yourself a favor and take care of yourself, speak your mind, tell your bf how you feel about the situation and why. If he can't understand that then it's in your best interest to stop dating someone that doesn't even care about your well being..physically and emotionally/mentally.

    Most of all, take care of yourself first and foremost because there is only one of you in this world. There are plenty of other guys that ARE understanding and patient enough to wait for when you are REALLY ready. So don't feel that you have to be rushed into anything, take your time to heal and talk to someone you can trust about it. Talking is a great therapy, along with many other things...especially loving and respecting yourself. And the first step in that process would be talking to your bf about everything and moving foward if he decides to be a jerk and not understand your situation.

    I Hope only the best for you hun, take care. *hugs*
  20. run4fun

    run4fun Well-Known Member

    i don't even think she should have to tell him about her experience. he may use it to be manipulative. what can say after reading about a priest that witnessed many christian relationships is that sex without a future relationship or marraige is leading to painful seperation, waste of energy and time, and destruction. you've got an old wound that makes matter worse. maybe, see a shrink if you can afford. because you don't want to go through revolving doors acting out by subconsciously meeting womanizers. you're too young to even thing about a relationship. i went to a university for one person. involuntarily, she had control over my happiness. you've got to work on yourself first. do volunteer work, hobbies or something to better yourself.
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