Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by swimmergirl, Jul 25, 2007.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    A man raped me.

    It made me feel worthless and ashamed of myself.

    I am so angry.
  2. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    i know how you feel. we have a bunch in common. i LOVE swimming and ive been assulted alot. by the short length of your entry, you are probably still really uncomfortable talking about it. if im totally offbase with that, feel free to disregard it. i know every circumstance is different, so i wont try to tell you i know how you feel. i do understand, however, how it feels, the shame, feeling gross (etc). if you want to expand on your story or PM me, id be happy to chat

  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member


    thanks for responding. I am just starting to talk about the rape, it is very hard to talk about. Sometimes I feel like there are no words to describe what happened and how it makes me feel. I have nightmares a lot, and I just want to be left alone. I feel dead inside, and yes, I feel gross and dirty and disgusting and embarrassed and utterly powerless. It is the worst feeling.

    Thank you for listening.

  4. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    Glad your able to start opening up.

    Rape is such a weak thing to do. It's soo animalistic. I'm not even sure animals do such things. It's cowardly and pathetic on soo many levels.

    Hope your able to find some peace.
  5. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    How long ago was this? I hope you've told someone about this :hug:
  6. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    usually animals dont. they need a go ahead from the other animal before they...ahem.

    again, were the only group of sickos: we're the only ones who abuse each other like this, we use everything else like our personal supermarket or toilet etc.

    all voting for trading into another species say AYE!
  7. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    He is an animal, it is hard to believe another human with a soul could do such a thing to another person. I just see his eyes, that blank but angry and vicious look in his eyes as he raped me, i have never seen such rage before.
  8. Anime-Zodiac

    Anime-Zodiac Well-Known Member

    I guess it's true, humans can be pretty evil. One thing I do know is that if another race from another world ever came to us then we would be pretty screwed cuz they would view us as being soo primitive in what we do, etc.

    In my experience nice people are alot more rare then those who are selfish, narrow minded and self centered.

    Anyways rape is beyond low, there's no word to describe how vile and soul destroying it is.
  9. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    do you know him? did you tell anyone? do you think he will/can come back?
    if so, you should tell someone, cuz he could just do it again. the more it happens the more it hurts. trust me. if you can put a stop to it now, you can start to get back to normal.

    have you told anyone/are you prosecuting it? just wondering. i wish i had. my ex obvioiusly knows where i live and everytime i go into my room im afraid of seeing him sitting by my window again. now it would be my word against his. he'd probably just kill me.
  10. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I did know him, sort of, we knew eachother from work. I did not tell anyone until 5 years after it happened.

    I did not go to the police after he raped me, eventhough I was covered in blood, bruised and had his semen all over me. I was too scared and was afraid that they would not believe me and i was very embarrased and ashamed that it happened to me, and sometimes I could not even believe that it happened to me.

    I have nightmares still to this day about him and what he did. I also sometimes wonder if there was something I could have done to stop him, if I did something to "make it happen". But you know what, it is never the victims fault. NEVER. It took me a long time to believe that it was not my fault.

    So, I do wish I would have gone to the police and filed charges, mostly because I am sure he went on to rape other women and I hate living with that in my head. I want justice. I have found that helping other women who are raped or assaulted has been an important part of my healing. Being able to help someone else go through what I went through and let her know that she will survive has helped me find peace with myself.

    I don't know what your situation was, but if he raped you and you are afraid of him coming back to hurt you, you can get a restraining order against him. Also, if it happened less than 5 years ago, you could still report it, depending on what state you live in. You just have to figure out what you need to do for yourself in order to heal and find peace again. Remember, it was not your fault. I am happy to talk with you if you feel the need to.

    Peace and Love,

  11. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    i havent told anyone. i CANT tell anyone else. i cant say the word out loud. how do you bring up something like that? "yea so my bf abused and r***d me for like 6 months. and another guy "friend" r***d me too. oh and i woke up with no clothes tied to a bed once. Whats for dinner?"

    its been 3-4 years since it all happened and i dont want to prosecute it. i cant because my parents dont know any of it. they dont even know i ever dated jason. they dont even know him. how can they understand what happened. everytime i think about it i want to vomit. after the suicide, i had to retell and go over everything to a million doctors. i cant answer questions about it. i cant talk about. its so humiliating i just cant do it. ill just have to hope that jasons scared enough by my friends not to come near me. or that he has forgotten about me. it doesnt seem fair. he'll grow up and ill be a distant memory but he will inhabit every part of me, ever dream, thought and fear until i die. i will always have to look over my shoulder to make sure hes not behind me.

    im glad you've been able to get better. maybe if i live long enough, ill get better too.
  12. I know the nightmares are horrible and you feel dirty and worthless. But no one told me this and it is going to be ur best friend. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. this sucks and it wont be easy.

    If you need to talk i am always here and so are many other people. It will be ok. Dont let him win.
  13. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    I could not say the word RAPE either for about a year after I first told someone, i physically could not get the word out of my mouth.

    Do you have a therapist that you trust? If not, I would recommend finding someone that you can build trust with and over time you will be able to talk about it. It is soooo hard to talk about, don't worry, you are not the only one. I still don't like talking about it, but the reason so many women feel so much shame about rape is because no one talks about it, it is a big fucking secret and thus it breeds shame. Remember, IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

    It also sounds like you have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which is very common in sexual assault victims. You are really going to need some professional help in order to work through the PTSD symptoms, which are probably contributing to your suicidal urges. I know mine always did.

    Are you taking any medication? Are you going to therapy? Would you like to be in therapy? I also found it helpful about 1.5 years into therapy to join a support group of women who had been raped. It is something to consider once you have started talking more about it. If you call your local rape crisis hotline they can give you referrals to local agencies that might have free support groups or counseling. I know it is hard to reach out for help when you feel this bad, but try to if you can.

    It is a struggle to recover, but it is totally possible and you will come out of this a stronger woman. Trust me, this will not ruin the rest of your life, you can go on to live a happy, healthy and loving life and go from victim to survivor!
  14. Hey I know you are angry!! It hurts that situation you commented on me about happened years ago.

    I was first raped when i was 8 years old, by two boys in my day care. When my babysitter found out about it. She didn't let me tell my parents. One day it accidentally came out and my parent put me into therapy but never let me talk about it. It was rough. I was then raped again by my boyfriend at the time. Then once more by a older guy i worked with and kind of dated. He was 6 1/2 years older then me. I finally got out and came to college. I started seeing a therapist and started getting flash backs to something. People seem to think that the younger you are the more you suppress it to move on. When i realized what the flash backs were i became angry and hateful. I started to hate my family. The flash backs were of what seems to be my father. I don't know the whole story and i don't want to know. So i am not investigating any farther.

    I know what its like to feel angry and alone. But when you find someone that can you help you through it. It makes everything better. The first boy to ever help me was my boyfriend in between all that. He is my ex fiance. That boy saved me. I was going to kill myself. Without exaggeration. He was my hero. We ended because i knew he wasn't right for me and vise versa. But that is ok.

    You need to find that rock as well. Someone you can trust and someone who will go at ur pace. The anger turns to pity eventually. Because you realize that these boys are just confused and stupid.
  15. underdosed

    underdosed Guest

    i hope you all do better. you're going to be great, Tricia.


    NIKKISIXX New Member

    I was raped 3 years ago, i went to the police a monthe ago and made a statement, and now if any other female comes and makes a complaint aginst him , my statement is there to back her up......

    Ive only just started telling people, still hurts and i still fell dirty , but i feel a hell of alot stronger for doing that, i met my current partner a year ago , hes helped me thru it so much , couldnt have done it with out him,

    i thought i could deal with it and like you , i did'nt think anyone would beleve me , didnt go to the police , couldnt even tell my mum still haven't,

    You know what else helped me , i moved away from my town where it happened , it kills me every time i go back, so many ghosts,

    It helps you to get things straight in your head, see things a little clearer.

    im not saying its an instant cure.....but it helps

  17. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing your story. You are on the right track for healing and you are an inspiration to me!
  18. thething912

    thething912 Well-Known Member

    Don't fell bad for yourself it should be the schmuck that raped you that should fell bad for themself.
  19. enditnow123

    enditnow123 Member

    As a guy, I don't understand why another man would do such a thing to a woman. I couldn't imagine what kinda pain your in, I am here to talk if you need someone to talk to.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.