Rar! (just a rant no replies needed)

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Scum, Jan 25, 2007.

  1. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I can't fucking believe you.

    I KNOW you want me dead.

    I KNOW you are plotting to kill me.

    I told you I knew, and that I wanted you to leave me alone and never contact me again.

    Now you start again?

    I know you STILL want me dead.

    I know that you are STILL plotting.

    And yet, this is about how much I have hurt you and fucked you up. I fucking told you to leave me alone, the same way I told everyone else, because I know you all want me dead.

    You have been hounding me, sending abusive messages, calling, trying to make me feel guilty, all to get a reaction from me. You want me to reply to you so that you can manipulate me to dying.

    I'm not fucking doing it! I'm not giving you anything to work with.

    I am not having anything to do with you. I panic when you phone, or when I get a text. I am terrified of what you might do, in your desperation, to kill me. You said you were sending something in the post, if I receive it I will be driving to a secluded place and throwing it out there so that if it's explosive it won't hurt my family.

    Yes, I want to die, and yes, I am dying, but I have a couple of things I need to do first. I want to die on MY terms, not when some person who wants me dead, decides that I die.

    Why can't you all just leave me alone. I spend my life scared, terrified, alone because of the fact you want me dead. Please, just please will you leave me alone.

    It's too much.

    I can't take it.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    You have reduced me to a nervous wreck.

    sitting downstairs, watching the window, needing to cry, jumping anytime I hear a car door, see a car driving past, see a person walk past, any unusual noise in the house.

    I'm scared they are coming to get me and you have sent them.

    I can't handle all that again, those people turning up, sitting outside, chasing me. I can't do it again.

    Please stop plotting for that to happen

  3. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    I know you said that no replies were needed, but I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and i really feel your pain.

    Who is threatening you in this way? It sounds very frightening for you.. is there any way you can get helpfor this?

    Please keep writing if it helps..

    Thinking of ya
  4. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Aw, thanks for the reply Jenny, you have been a real help to me these past couple of days, and for that I am so grateful.

    It is someone who used to be a mate, infact, my best mate. There are a whole group of people who want me dead. Some of them have said so, others have just made it clear and I know what they think anyway.

    I'm just so tired and drained, this is really getting to me. It's a whole mix of fears all jumbled in together. The second post was related to the time I was sectioned in an appalling way, and the first related to what my former friend has been saying.

    I'm so tired. I am physically not good and losing a lot of blood unrelated to SI, which is obviosuly making me rather anaemic, I seem to have a constant migraine at the moment and I just can't take anymore, and that's all on top of the usual suicidal, SI, etc, stuff.

    I really do appreciate the reply, so thank you so much. If you ever need someone to listen then I am happy to try and help. I'd like to repay the kindness you have shown me. :)
  5. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    You don't need to repay anything.. I'm listening and replying to you because i want to :arms:

    It most certainly does sound draining for you. All of this is going on for you.. and it just sounds overwhelming.

    I can relate to the migraine... oh how i hate those. I find myself hiding in my bedroom under a duvet when my head is like that. I hope it gets better soon.. have you taken anything for it? There's some medication spefically for migraines, like Migraleve?

    Have you spoken to anyone about your ex best mate and this group wanting you dead? I wonder if you could approach someone and get help for this? To keep you safe physically, and emotionally too... it must be so unbelievably draining always being on guard and listening out for the smallest of sounds, etc.

    Wish i could help practically somehow, but for now please just know that I do care and am here if you need to talk.. and i don't expect anything in return (although i may take you up on it someday.. so you have to stick around!!!) :flowers:
  6. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Bless ya, you are so sweet :)

    Migraines are nasty aren't they. Does anything specific trigger yours? I have not tried Migraleve, but the doc gave me something called Sumatriptan. I'm relatively new to migraines, I had my first in September, and like you, it made me feel awful. I took my first Suma tablet today and it did nothing, lol, excellent. But hey, that's the way it goes sometimes :) I agree huddling in bed does make things better, sometimes it's all you can do.

    I don't have any proof or anything that they want me dead. When I have said to them that I know what they think and that they want me dead they call me ridiculous, or say I am lying, or say that they don't want me dead and explain why they don't want me dead. But I know that they do. I know what they think, I know what I am. there is no sane person who wouldn't want me dead. The comment I had from someone was 'cut yourself to bits, die whatever' but that was on a forum and she deleted it.

    I'm just so scared, and so tired and drained and I don't know what to do. I know I have already said that but I just can't express how true it is. I can't recall ever feeling this low, even when I was on deaths door before (all of my own doing).

    I'm so sorry, I'm just really sorry :(
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Is that not proof enough that you want me dead?

    I have said it for ages and you have just proved it by writing what you wrote, a lot of which was convenient lies.

    I have saved the link to my computer so that when I am dead and my family follow the instructions I have left, they will see what you wrote, and what you thought.

    Well done, I already knew you wanted me dead, you will get your wish.

    *applauds you*
  8. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    In a way it amuses me, you have lied loads in that post.

    But it will be clear to some people that you have lied because they know the actual truth. if you remember I had left before you were thrown out, how can that be related to me. lol it has amused me.

    All you have done is tell a lot of people who want me dead a pack of lies about me. Yes, they will want me dead more, but thats not different from normal. lol

    you have amused me, but also freaked me out.

    but hey, at least I now have proof that you want me dead.
  9. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni

    Hiya S :)

    I don't know what's happened but i do hope you're "ok". How is the head?

    I'm feeling quite concerned about this whole situation though.. (not meaning to add any pressure or feelings of guilt on to you). I know it's hard to believe but i genuinely do care about you, and i would hate to see you come to any harm.. whether it's your own doing or not. I truly hope you will not do anything to end your life? If you need to talk please feel free to PM me..

    :arms: :flowers: :hug:
    Jenny x
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I am late, but I wanted to check in and see how you were feeling, and I hope the rant helped.. if you ever need to talk you can message me anytime... :) :hug:
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    thanks for the replies guys. I have nothing left to give tonight. sorry.

    * * * *

    urging really badly. not to cut, not to OD, to die.

    To die and end this. So many people want me dead, so many people know it is better for the world if I am dead. I can't take anymore.

    Yet some how I am supposed to.

    I could die tonight if I wanted, easily. I am already very ill, my blood count very low. But somehow I am supposed to live until the end of february.

    that seems impossible, unachievable, not something anyone wants except one person

    i cant fuckign take it.

    please take me in my sleep
  12. Jenny

    Jenny Staff Alumni


    I hope you got some sleep S.. and i hope that you wake up again. I would genuinely miss you if you were gone. You can now make that 2 people who want you to live.

    Thinking of you and here for ya anytime
    Jenny x
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so scared Jenny, I can't take much more

    Today my blood level must be really abd because I feelawful, I can barely get down the stairs and when I do I need a rest at the bottom.

    I can't hold on

    I can't take it

    I don't know what to do
  14. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Make that 3 people scum. Perhaps it is time to seek more outside help hun. I honestly do hope you begin to feel better soon. I am worried about you. :hug:
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I'm sorry

    please don't think about me, neither of you know me. I'm a total bitch, I AM scum and evil and the rest of it, and a whole website of people will agree with me.

    I won't get help, I need blood transfusions but I don't believe in wasting that valuable blood on something I have done myself. I like feeling this bad, it means I know I can leave here soon.

    I'm really really sorry I came to this site, if you can't see why now, you will soon. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt people