rational or irrational?

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i don't want to post under the suicide forum because i'm not quite there yet. i didn't want to post under the depression forum, either, because i get depressed quite often, and this feeling that i have right now is much different. i'm not sad or hopeless, just completely apathetic.

i look at the future and i ask myself what i want to do with my life. i ask myself what there is worth living for. marriage, children...not terribly interested. all i see is a life full of bad things--a job that i'll hate, death, illness, sadness, people breaking promises...bad things that cannot be outweighed by the good. i look at the options: keep living or decide to die, and i think, "what's the difference?" keep in mind, i'm not upset or sad, i just don't care.

i used to be scared of taking my own life. scared of hell, scared of pain. i think i'm in a more dangerous place than i was before because now it just doesn't matter. i don't care to discover what tomorrow holds. i've lived as much as i want, and i'm ready to go. at the same time, if i stay in this purgatory on earth, i don't know what to do with myself. i just don't know...
alwaysalone, are you doing better this evening? I've felt much the same way you feel. It sucks not to want to look forward to anything. It seems as if there is nothing to even hope for. Luckly I was able to come out of it.....for a little while anyways. I am not sure what helped me exactly but I think if you think about it you will discover something you like. Maybe you can rediscover something you used to like. If nothing else, pop in a good movie. That always gets my mind off of life. (so long as it's not a sappy, depressing story).

Stay strong and keep focused on the little good things. (how good that pizza tastes, how good it feels to close your eyes and sleep, etc)
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