Rational potential suicide, the before check

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Whateverx, Jun 15, 2016.

  1. Whateverx

    Whateverx Member

    In short, I've been victim of all kinds of domestic abuse for nearly 2 decades since age of 3. I won't go into details....very long story. Been bullied at school (despite being excellent student, good behavior and goodlooking<others tell me I am). Forced to suffer with abusive mother that controls me financially my whole life including now. I have no other 'family' to support me in any way and my 'friends' are jobless. Getting job here is extremely hard and I have no financial means to move away. I'm at an age where ppl just say 'get a job' the same people who ironically are unemployed and/or sometimes ask of me free services instead of paying so I could have some income...

    She forced me to study what I'm bad at and strongly dislike: law. She calls me lazy, mocks me and once said 'I'd kill myself if I were you' when I just actually have no interest in these studies and have no life of my own to invest in, no reason to bother with anything. Since early childhood I showed strong affinity for drawing/painting and wanted to be self-taught to become concept artist. That's basically ca. 2.000$ to invest in my equipment (wacom + PC) so I can become my own (wo)man . If I'm not worth 2.000$ i dont know what to say. She had so much money at some points she couldn't count it. She forbade me from practiicng drawing at all, attempted to tear apart my work once. Here's proof I'm not lying, works from years ago, because as I said I'm 'forbidden' from practicing (horses were done mostly with no reference): posting brazenly like tis because no links are allowed

    <Images Removed at OP Request>

    Camera is lowres- so it looks bad, but as you see I'm NOT lazy, disinterested or depressed.

    No one ever in this country game a damn about me, the government or ca. 1 million adult inhabitants this place has.

    I cannot describe the strain and stress I bear studying law. I am soooo tired especially now that I'm facing bar exam. I am not prepared, chances are I'll fail, there's no postponing I have a deadline. Even if I succeed this sh*t goes on. Every time I tried to talk to her about this she goes rabid, attempts to attack me physically, claws at me, I had pics of wounds before, pulls my hair, calls me 'ungrateful bitch' tells me to go whoring myself. Even if I pass I'll be financially controlled by her. She says move away if u dont like it but knows well I have nowhere to go. She always even in childhood threatened to kick me out to live on the streets if I don't do this or that. Except that NOW, she's legally entitled to do so.

    I am not depressed! I like drawing, singing (beginner), swimming, I like that kind of life, but I'll never have it. I may have wanted to act or cast in a musical, but at this ripe age, I can only hope to play sidekick or main lead's stepmother. My youth has been wasted on withering over some lousy books.
    My potential suicide is considerably a rational one. My plan is most likely drowning in poopy local river. You can't stop me. If conditions are met I'll do it. My swimming coach will be embarrassed tho.

    I'm here merely to ask you if you have some financial way out I don't know of, because money is the only thing that ever could fix it. (I bet you don't and I'm stupid for asking)Some kind of scholarship for a person of my critical age, anything...

    I don't need false flattery, lame quotes, words of hope, 'clever' lines and 'wisdom'. My guts wrench at the sight of this. I'm not emotional, I'm so over this and tired. It's long overdue. You can't tell me I'm weak lived trough civil war, severe abuse and haven't kill myself, but everything has its limits including a miserable subhuman pointless life where my hands are completely tied. The problem is not with me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 6, 2016
  2. Whateverx

    Whateverx Member

    *everything's* forbidden as long as she's paying for it as if borne myself so it's my fault I expist and made a poopy country with failing economy
  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    I can only speak from personal experience-but I know for a fact that there are many places in the US where there is lots of work and many opportunities to pursue a life on your own. I am no expert-but it seems that you have fused your life with your mothers to the point where you have lost sight of who you are as a separate person with goals for yourself that have nothing to do with her. I grew up in exactly the same set of circumstances but it was my father who controlled my life-not my mother. Out of sheer desperation I got a job working for a cruise line and traveled all over the world for six years-I finally understood that I had to separate myself from my family (especially my father) for a while to regain my connection with myself. I see some resemblances in our stories-perhaps a lot of your anger and self-hate comes from the dependence you feel with your mother. My advice is to spend some time alone with yourself-I'm talking months not minutes, maybe even years. You have obvious talent and ambition-all you are lacking is self-confidence, that will come when you surround yourself with like-minded people who will encourage you, not discourage you.
  4. Hazel Morse

    Hazel Morse Well-Known Member

    I am basically your older, adopted sister. Seriously. Your description is spot on.

    It felt good to know that I'm not alone, that there are other people who have the same problems. It made me feel less freakish. I want you to know that you are not alone.

    As for mother - run. Get the degree or not, just run. Think velociraptors. Walk quickly, don't look back.
  5. Jenumbra

    Jenumbra SF Supporter

    So sorry for what you have been through. For local help for financial, employment, social assistance, look into local/county government services. If you need help searching for that let us know.

    For ideas to get away and earn money, you could apply to become an English teacher in another country. You get trained, housed and paid. Friends and family have done it in Japan and South Korea and really enjoyed the experience. With your art, make an online and real life portfolio, take commisions, scan your artwork and sell prints on Deviantart and other websites and at art fairs or conventions.
  6. Whateverx

    Whateverx Member

    Thanks you. It's good to know people with shared experience who have succeeded instead of self-styled well-wishers who say to just get over it. I've managed to solve part of the problem and from now on it will be getting better. You're the kind to look up to.

    I'd only like to ask admin to remove links from my drawings I don't want to be recognized by them and have idiots cause me trouble for finding out I posted here. YOu know how some people are...