Apologies first: This is longer than I expected it to go. Once I started I couldn't really stop. In a sense this is also my suicide note that would be written when I turn 30. Not every person in my life has had an adverse effect on me like it says. I don't want anyone to think I'm being arrogant, tho it might come out that way so a preface about the iq verse. Through testing according to some standard out there my iq is considered "high" but the only thing so far that I've gotten out of that is reasoning out how utter crap my life has been and is, also that I'm not very smart, and ugly, and just a piece of shit for a human. I also apologize for the length of this "intro". And please, please, please, please don't think I'm being arrogant. If you ever met me you would know I'm not that smart, really. The verse is there because this was all written at once without any forethought or editing and I wanted to keep it as it is. I would ask you not to grieve But I know you will anyway I would ask you to forgive But I lost the right I would ask you to accept But I can't hope for that You don't know what I've been through What I've had to endure I've felt this way since I could toddle Since memory was formed I've been to doctors They say such nice things I cut myself you know On my arm every night I never let you see it though Just one more worry you didn't need It helped when I was down It helped when I was up I needed all the help that I could get But not the help that you could give I have left you alone And for that you can be mad at me There are some secrets that should be known But you can't say I didn't warn you While I lived, I stayed alone Even with all the friends you thought I had They weren't friends They were just people who spoke to me without a sneer I've led a wasted life Without any hope of better I like to think that I was smart But I know now that wasn't true My IQ was triple digits But that left me with despair I should have been a person Without care and living happy But was cursed to this depression Since the time I learned to talk I hid it from you as I did everything You will want to read my journal But you won't enjoy it's words I wrote my private thoughts That I didn't think you'd read But now it doesn't matter I'm not here to hear you scream Read with caution for some stuff is about you But know that I lay nothing at your feet You kept me alive for many years My choice to give up and quit Has not been made lightly I have made these last few years What was needed to settle my affairs You will blame yourself for my failings as a person What you read will only make my decision harder But know that while it's truth It is not one you have to bear I took my life because I could Not keep living with this despair You must believe that I did not Do this on a whim I've had three decades of knowing That it would end this way The moment went round and round inside my head Letting me believe how much better I'd be dead I've played this out so many times I couldn't possibly count the ways But I planeed on doing it this way For my life to have some meaning For my worth to be measured by more Than just what you saw What I see when I look in the mirror Is a face that's old and haggard An ugly child who never grew Who never learned to be happy It's been like this for so long I don't know any way different To be happy, to feel love A foreign emotions, foreign dreams To think that as I sit here Letting out my red flow I've never kissed a girl Or felt a breast Or that a girl has never touched me I know what you would say Where I to have told you this before You'd tell me to socialize, somehow But I've come to realize that you believe That sex is dirty and secret So I never could bring a girl home Were one to want to feel me So many things I couldn't do While I lived with you So many wants and dreams unfufilled Because you'd lecture my acts But this is not blame This is not your problem It was mine and mine alone It shouldn't have matterd as much as it did What I thought you felt about my life I made my own box of what you wanted and hid myself in it But this is not blame I never was a normal child I didn't change in the 'teens I built a box around myself for me not for you I had to hide everything I was Don't you see Else they would cause me pain Other people in my life have caused these feelings of mine If I had known that I could end it That I could take control I would have done this long before Then it wouldn't be so cold But this is what I have Everything I've ever done All the people I've ever met Every feeling I've ever had Can be summed in one word My life on movie would have one frame Shit Due to my rampant insecurity I envision that this may be taken the wrong way so i want to mention that all of that was not about sex.