Discussion in 'Poet's Corner' started by notmyrealname, May 21, 2008.

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  1. notmyrealname

    notmyrealname Well-Known Member

    Apologies first: This is longer than I expected it to go. Once I started I couldn't really stop. In a sense this is also my suicide note that would be written when I turn 30. Not every person in my life has had an adverse effect on me like it says. I don't want anyone to think I'm being arrogant, tho it might come out that way so a preface about the iq verse. Through testing according to some standard out there my iq is considered "high" but the only thing so far that I've gotten out of that is reasoning out how utter crap my life has been and is, also that I'm not very smart, and ugly, and just a piece of shit for a human. I also apologize for the length of this "intro". And please, please, please, please don't think I'm being arrogant. If you ever met me you would know I'm not that smart, really. The verse is there because this was all written at once without any forethought or editing and I wanted to keep it as it is.

    I would ask you not to grieve
    But I know you will anyway
    I would ask you to forgive
    But I lost the right

    I would ask you to accept
    But I can't hope for that
    You don't know what I've been through
    What I've had to endure

    I've felt this way since I could toddle
    Since memory was formed
    I've been to doctors
    They say such nice things

    I cut myself you know
    On my arm every night
    I never let you see it though
    Just one more worry you didn't need

    It helped when I was down
    It helped when I was up
    I needed all the help that I could get
    But not the help that you could give

    I have left you alone
    And for that you can be mad at me
    There are some secrets that should be known
    But you can't say I didn't warn you

    While I lived, I stayed alone
    Even with all the friends you thought I had
    They weren't friends
    They were just people who spoke to me without a sneer

    I've led a wasted life
    Without any hope of better
    I like to think that I was smart
    But I know now that wasn't true

    My IQ was triple digits
    But that left me with despair
    I should have been a person
    Without care and living happy

    But was cursed to this depression
    Since the time I learned to talk
    I hid it from you as I did everything
    You will want to read my journal

    But you won't enjoy it's words
    I wrote my private thoughts
    That I didn't think you'd read
    But now it doesn't matter

    I'm not here to hear you scream
    Read with caution for some stuff is about you
    But know that I lay nothing at your feet
    You kept me alive for many years

    My choice to give up and quit
    Has not been made lightly
    I have made these last few years
    What was needed to settle my affairs

    You will blame yourself for my failings as a person
    What you read will only make my decision harder
    But know that while it's truth
    It is not one you have to bear

    I took my life because I could
    Not keep living with this despair
    You must believe that I did not
    Do this on a whim

    I've had three decades of knowing
    That it would end this way
    The moment went round and round inside my head
    Letting me believe how much better I'd be dead

    I've played this out so many times
    I couldn't possibly count the ways
    But I planeed on doing it this way
    For my life to have some meaning

    For my worth to be measured by more
    Than just what you saw
    What I see when I look in the mirror
    Is a face that's old and haggard

    An ugly child who never grew
    Who never learned to be happy
    It's been like this for so long
    I don't know any way different

    To be happy, to feel love
    A foreign emotions, foreign dreams
    To think that as I sit here
    Letting out my red flow

    I've never kissed a girl
    Or felt a breast
    Or that a girl has never touched me
    I know what you would say

    Where I to have told you this before
    You'd tell me to socialize, somehow
    But I've come to realize that you believe
    That sex is dirty and secret

    So I never could bring a girl home
    Were one to want to feel me
    So many things I couldn't do
    While I lived with you

    So many wants and dreams unfufilled
    Because you'd lecture my acts
    But this is not blame
    This is not your problem

    It was mine and mine alone
    It shouldn't have matterd as much as it did
    What I thought you felt about my life
    I made my own box of what you wanted and hid myself in it

    But this is not blame
    I never was a normal child
    I didn't change in the 'teens
    I built a box around myself for me not for you

    I had to hide everything I was
    Don't you see
    Else they would cause me pain
    Other people in my life have caused these feelings of mine

    If I had known that I could end it
    That I could take control
    I would have done this long before
    Then it wouldn't be so cold

    But this is what I have
    Everything I've ever done
    All the people I've ever met
    Every feeling I've ever had

    Can be summed in one word
    My life on movie would have one frame


    Due to my rampant insecurity I envision that this may be taken the wrong way so i want to mention that all of that was not about sex.
  2. aki

    aki Well-Known Member

    It's such an honest poem, thank you for posting it.
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    nice poem, thanks for sharing :arms:
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