RE: Dying Alcoholic

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by FoundAndLost1, Nov 13, 2006.

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  1. I'm in a [very] bad way. After reading Goop's post I thought I'd ask for advice/experiences. After years of chaos and tragedy whcih have left me paranoid about life (the light at the end of the tunnel is but surely the headlamp of an oncoming train), and after a nervous breakdown in March this year, and then after being forced to sell my house and move to an enclosed box of an apartment - I can't handle anymore - cannot cope - and I've been near constatnly drunk for quite some time. Seeing as I'm at a suicide forum, I guess its my way of killing myself slowly, cause I can't (CAN'T) bear reality anymore. I've endured much and used to be strong but feel like a failure - I've just been so overwhelmed. I'm desperately depressed and there have been 2 suicides already in my immediate family (which took away the choice and drama of making a statement that way, but I'm so close it's terrifying).

    What I wanted to know from anyone is what their experience of being an alcoholic is like - what success they've had - what programs/ drugs/aids worked. Did they have to "remove themselves from the world" as in going into a detox centre for a while. See, I have a doctor's appointment today, but like Goop, this "professional" is not a particulrly sympathetic soul - I was going to fess up to him that I have even MORE huge problems than just (Ha! Sarcastic) Depression and PTSD. BUt I woke up at 4:30 trying to imagine the conversation and it tied me up in knots. In fact, by 5:30 (AM), stressful thoughts forced me to get out of bed - felt like rats racing through the attic, and I had to have a drink to calm down. Now, that's bad. It is. So I thought I'd get some hope from others here who've lived with and fought the demon. I'm hoping for some replies. Better from you than a doctor who'll merely give me a few platitudes and glib useless advice. Help me...please. I'm a wreck and I don't think I have the strength to do this alone and would like some kindly feedback. Right now it's all I have to look forward to


    P.S. I'v contacted AA, but right now am too paranoid to be 'in a crowd', so it would seem I'm F***ed
  2. Bette

    Bette Guest

    Hiya Found,

    Man, you are going through it. I am so sorry so much has happened to you.

    I am not an alcoholic. I can tell you what it looks like. What the detox is like, and sort of how to proceed to a better, healthier life.

    I'm a recovering heroin addict. NEVER touched a drug or drink. Not even pot. I pick a drug at the age of 35. I go for the BIG ONE!!!!!!! I have empathy for you though, and have been in detox/rehab with alcoholics.

    My dearest friend in the whole wrold was an alcoholic although we never said that word. He didn't care if he got FIXED!!!!!! He was loved. I know when people die you hear how great they were, but this was a man age 43 who no lie never said a bad word about anyone. You told him something he helped you, and it stayed with him. I miss him like I'd miss the sun.

    Cirosis (sp) is not a nice way to go out. It takes a looooooong time. You wind up blown up. Mindless. It's just awful. Also, and don't let anyone tell you different that alcohol kick is a bad one. It ain't just like you go POOF I quit. You get the shakes, and sweats, and you can get delusional as well as see things like bugs etc. In a safe setting in hopital they can give you something to help with all that.

    Like doing heroin drinking excessively is a long, slow suicide, and if anyone ever had them DT's or dope sickness they will tell you it's awful.

    I am not a big NA person although I have friends it saved their lives. I don't like to air my business weather it be anonymous or whatever. AA however I also know people that truly it saved their lives, and you can go an entire month just listening, and be amazed at what people endure.

    I speak truth in that people in NA or AA will HELP you. They give the shirt off their back. These people have been where you are. They have been helped and they will give back without nothing in return. I mean really good people.

    You actually took the first big step in helping yourself. You looked up AA. Good for you. Just my opinion, but give it a try. Many, many people in both NA and AA have anxiety. They don't want to be around people. Once they push themselves it's way better. It gets a bit wierd as everything in life when the AA people don't want the druggies around. LOL So, there are seperate meetings just for AA people minus us lousy addicts.

    It all comes down to you reaching out. That's a tough thing to do. YOU DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's awesome. Hopefully someone can tell you more, and I got ya in my prayers. In my guy I feel you can past all this. A feeling, ya know? Trully, you did the furst best thing for YOU. All for YOU.

    Hope this helped a tiny bit. I miss my friend every single day. I go over to his grave like the weirdo I am, and ask him for help. I hate that he's in a hole. I hate that the many people who so loved him now just went on with life and he's in the ground. He wouldn't want that for anyone else. I loved him so much. His family loved him. His best buddy loved him. He just couldn't love himself. That's the sad part.

    One good thing though a week before he died he quit smoking. LOL He was so proud. Now at his grave I say "I ain't leaving no ciggies for ya". Yeah, man calling NA was a good thing.
  3. I can't tell you how much it means that you replied and how what you wrote struck a chord. I'm still terrified :sad: but your words (and especially your honesty) were somewhat soothing. I thank you for that.

  4. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I used to be a practicing alcoholic. I used to drink til I didn't know where I"d been or what I'd done. It's only thru the grace of my Maker that I"m still living today. Had my life been dependant on my behavior I'd have been dead years ago. I went to AA and can vouch for it as a great group. It helped me a lot when I needed a lot of help. Please try it. It's known for its success rate and its outstanding members and their peer support. I highly recommend it to anyone for whom alcohol is a problem.

    You have my friendship and support. Please go to a meeting and ask questions or just listen. I learned a lot from the other members of AA. I know it can help you also.:smile: :smile:


  5. Bette

    Bette Guest

    You mean me?

    Hey, I wanted to reply to you. You helped me.

    I ain't nobody special, but that was so sweet of you to thank me. Man, I will help you any way I can. You certainly sound valiant, and strong enough to beat that and intelligent enough, and kind to have a good life.

    Anytime, and THANK YOU. I should say "Thank YOU, Mr. Accavanno". That's from some movie. I never saw it, but it's a running joke. "NO, thank YOU Mr. Accavanno". Peace. You can do this thing.
  6. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    :sad: Understand you miss your friend, and i hope he is in a better place now. ive been a junkie ever since i was 13:mad: and i dont want to know how many of my former best friends are dead now. what saved me a bit was that i was allways changing continent :)wink: ), moved from Germany to Venezuela, crashed big times over there, and after i finally had recovered from my month long coma in Venezuela, then i moved to the US and finished college (smoked sometimes pot over there). back in Germany the shrinks at the hospital i was in took away most of my prescribed drugs, so back to h. Sorry for my babble, just had to get it of my mind. (ive been clean now for about two years). alcohol seems to be one of the worst drugs around, cuz u cant get over it that easy; ive a diening uncle, who is alcoholic and has a liver that starts to fail. he is fully aware that unless he stops to drink now, he might drop dead any moment :sad: . got very good experiences the few times i went to AA and NA meetings in the US, but i stopped going cuz there were too many people :(
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 14, 2006
  7. crazy

    crazy Well-Known Member

    i can identify exactly what it is like to be an acoholic..mainly because i am one...i have been sober for 2 1/2 months now...before i got sober my life was utter chaos.....the numerous blackouts.....friends leaving me....doing things i dont remember doing....passing out in public places.........getting the cops called on me....getting pulled over....detox centers....losing my self-respect....wanting to stop drinking but hrs later finding myself drunk again....nearly failing high school....dropped out of college twice....eventually losing 2 jobs for not showing up because i was either too drunk or too hungover to go.....numerous emergency room visits some of which i don't even remember...and evenutally lossing my apartment.....all of this was a result of my drinking (and drug use) believe me i know exactly what its like to be an alcoholic.

    the way i have managed to get sober was not rehab, it was not counsilors, it was not detox centers (tho they were needed for the wtihdrawls i experienced), it was not intensive out patient therepy, it was not help from religious clergy, what helped me has been the tough-love and guidence and acceptance i have found in alcoholics annoymous, along with my aa sponsor, going to aa meetings, listening, following suggestions, meeting with my sponsor to work on the 12 steps and go through the AA literature......if you want to talk more please pm me
  8. I'm so grateful for all your replies. but I'm still terrified! How mnay times can you hit bottom and still bounce back. I'm tired of the ricochet effect. but I dont know what to fill my days with (I'm still drinking and I swear it's the only relief - though dangerous - that i can get). I'm scared to stop. I know it adds to the insanity - but I'm no longer sure what sane entails anymore. I've never been "normal" so I don't fit into the world - always been outside the box so to speak. I've been through a lot of nasty shit that has shaped my view of us human beings and our condition. Sometimes it seems like Drink is my pure fate - and though it's poison, I think, no one gets out of this life alive... I only wanted to add that I very much appreciate what y'all have shared - I'm not tired - share more. I need feedback - and like someone said, it's the group that leaves me daunted at AA. I already feel "naked" - d'ya know what I mean?? I prefer the one on one. Any comments? (ta)

    (still terrified)
  9. Bette

    Bette Guest

    Man, you're still going through it, huh?

    NORMAL. No such a thing. It's like labels. I was never normal either. I was popular and pretty, and funny, but a bit off. People would say jokingly "You're a nut. You're so crazy"

    HUH!!!!! Took me like twenty some years to figure out they were right?????
    See all those people you think "fit in" well a good percent of them have had horrific things happen to them, or their plain out of their minds, but put up good appearances. Honestly, now that I am clean I look at pthings people do and think "Man I am the sane one".

    I wasn't the group type either, and I 100% advocate AA and NA, but for me I knew there's nothing anonymous about it. First of all you'll see people you know in there, and secondly like people KNOW it's a meeting and out you come. Like what? You were in there to clean up?

    I'm a social person, and have no trouble with sharing and all it's just I was raised you don't air your dirty laundry.

    Man, if I beat dope on my own you sure as heck could do this. If you have insurance maybe go to counseling about those past issues. That's what worked for me. Can't be positive for you, but it's worth a try. Better than dying. You need to want it that bad that you can kick it.

    It sounds like you do.
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