Re: I'm outa here

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by killaunloved, Jul 27, 2009.

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  1. killaunloved

    killaunloved Member

    Well, a lot of people never thought I would make it this far. Many thought I would have killed myself years ago. And im sure a lot of people I know when they hear the news will wonder why I didnt do it earlier or just avoided it because the worst is over. But my life has become as interesting as watching grass grow.

    I have only one major horrible incident that has caused me unbearable amounts of stress in my life. But I will admit that at this moment I am not in a lot of stress. I am just too damn lonely and bored simple as that. And im not the type of person to settle for chilling with ur mom or go to a group or call some stupid hotline shit.

    I want friends my own age , guys to drink and play poker with. Girls to cuddle up watch movies hang out and fuck.

    But I havnt had a friend in my entire life. Ive just had decepters. Everyday I talk to myself all day long because I have no one to talk with or do anything with. I am in great shape I am 19 years old and I have potential and I know that. But no one likes me in the entire world except animals. And very few of those do. Drugs like me too but I cant do them. They would keep me alive much longer but that is out of the question since society is keeping me away from them for themselves.

    I wish I had one girl to hang out with once a week and maybe a few dudes to play poker with for 1 hour a week. But i cant even get that.

    All i have is a bunch of burned movies, an hdtv, a computer, an injured penis, food and shelter.

    Its gotten to the point where I talk to myself outloud all day long just to make me feel like I am talking to someone. Ill comment on movies or programs like im telling someone. Ill laugh and make jokes to myself. Very crazy shit because I am that bored.

    Only thing I am contemplating is whether to committ suicide, steal everything I can and buy crack and heroin, murder a few people, or rape some people.

    I am a good guy but I mean if Im gonna die anyways.

    1) No friends

    2) No one likes me (fact)

    3)No Job

    4) Im not ugly and still cant get girls

    5) Injured Penis

    6) No money

    7) No Car

    8) Everyone knows my business

    9) Nothing has changed in years so why will it ever get better

    10) Im a failure

    11) Im dumb

    12) Theres no point to anything I do

    (I can try to workout and look good for awhile and I do, then i realize Im just impressing the mirror)

    13)No women, no girls will ever even give me a chance to hang out EVER
    ALWAYS REJECTED i mean hundreds of times
    even the decent ones or half decent ones

    14) Im in physical pain on a daily basis

    15) I get panic attacks in public and anxiety attacks EVERYDAY

    16) Im always fiending

    17) I live with my parents

    18)I have no life

    19) I didnt go to college and wont be able to

    20) I found out I was being deceited by my whole family and everyone I ever knew

    21) People watch me

    22)I cant do drugs where Im staying, plus I have no one to get them from (NO FRIENDS)
    (not even 2 hits of marijuana once a month or sumtin, NOTHING)

    23)On top of that i used to do all types of drugs everyday when i was younger and now nothing

    24) I have a lot of ugly moles

    25) Cigarettes dont give me a buzz anymore

    26) Im sick of tv and computer and movies

    27) I have nothing left to go for or accomplish, everything I want involves people

    28) Ive soldiered on through life hoping it would get better for a long time

    and its only getting worst

    29)No one respects me

    30)Im an outcast

    31) My family makes fun of me everyday all the time

    32)My family does drugs and drinks and I cant

    i can keep going but i wont.
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there ..

    welcome 2 the forum .. ur post was moved and given its own thread .. 2 make a thread in the future u just have 2 click on 'new thread' in the top left hand corner of the forum..

    first off i want u 2 know that alot of those things u listed alot of us here feel .. and many of us feel alone .. which is why this site can be so helpful .. to know that your not ..
    it alarmed me that u said u were thinking of murdering or raping som1 b4 or if u do decide 2 commit suicide.. i understand u must b in alot of pain .. but please dont take it out on an innocent person .. it just wouldnt b fair .. u will devistate so many lives if u do any of those things .. please dont ..
    instead get urself some help .. i kno u said u dont like the thought of calling a hotline or anything .. but u really need some help b4 u hurt some1 or urself .. mabye go 2 ur doctors or see a psyc??
    2bh its difficult for me replying .. because iv been a victim of abuse and reading u say u want 2 do something like it gives me mixed emotions ..
    however i can relate 2 alot of other things u mentioned ..
    i just hope u get some help ... and get well ..
  3. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    :hug: xx
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi welcome to forum Keep venting it does help and know people do care. You are very young lots of time to reach out and get support in place. Call you doctor and ask him for some antidepressants or ask him to send you to see psychiatrist If your feeling suicidal call 911 and start changing your life now while you are young. YOu want help you need social skills well get your doctor to assign you a social worker to help you. 19 you have your whole life to get friends and girls but you need to get your depression self esteem under control first. take care and i am glad your here keep talking and let us know how you do.
  5. killaunloved

    killaunloved Member

    Well I still see no end to this. Everytime I get in my head that Im doing fine and that people really do want to be friends with me. I realize I am wrong 20 minutes later. I realize that I am just pitied, and that people just want to use me for the nice things I am willing to do. No one wants to treat me normal and no one has any intentions on actually becoming my friend.

    The worst thing about my life is I know that it is so simple for me to find happiness and turn it all around but i need people to do it. And no matter how much money I have in the world, I cannot change freewill and make these things happen.

    All I need to a few people to really want to be my friend, really want to hang out, and not pity me or call me to have me be "part of the group". I want real friends.

    And I want a girl I find attractive to want to talk to me. I want her to be interested in me and ask questions and want me to chill with her so Im the one being confronted not her.

    I just want one girl who will actually want to spend time with me and compliments me because she find something she wants to say not because she thinks I need it.

    I pray to god everynight that I will find a girl who will want to save my life.
    When I talk to a girl that I think is interested in me as a friend or for whatever reason but she is interested in me as a person not as a joke, I go straight into ecstasy. All my anxiety and depression melts. I can focus perfectly and I feel like life is perfect. That simple. But Its been 1 year and I have had no luck and I am starting to think it will never happen.

    Its always the same thing. I have to be on my knees, and out of thin air something I want will come my way. For once I wish a girl would want to love me. I need love no matter how gay that sounds. I feel so alone sooooo alone with so much knowledge and so many questions that I dont know who to ask or where to turn. I have to deal with everything myself all alone all the time. I just wish for once I could have a intelligen attractive girl to spend all my time with. I beg you god if you are listening to read this and find and send one into my life. Its all I ask for, I have had a rough go but I have changed my ways. Everything that I can possible do for myself has been done. Now the rest is up to you god. Can you bring me what I need to get on with my life and to live not survive or is my destiny to be alone and in pain for the rest of my life. Please let me know so I can end my life and avoid the continuous cycle. I get angry when I see someone laugh or smile thats how bad its gotten. When I see a girl smile with another guy I want to kill them just because I know I have never gotten that from any relationship before. I have only connected with 2 people for less than 20 minutes in my entire life. Please answer my prayers god. I beg of you please.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 30, 2009
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