Re: No air left to breathe

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Hi everybody,

I came across this forum while researching painless suicide methods (yeah I know). I'm hopeful that by relating to others I might find peace within myself. If anybody reads this post, please bear with me.

First off, I'm very well aware that my situation isn't unique. I also want to mention that this is not some shameless grab for attention. I've attempted suicide before (mostly for attention and a cry for help), and obviously wasn't successful. As of right now, I want to die but not really sure if I want to take my life. I guess in a nutshell I'm hesitant because my mother and aunt killed themselves, so I know firsthand how suicide affects family.

For the most part, the last two years have been pretty good for me. I'm a recovering addict (mainly heroin and alcohol) and since I got clean I finished college and began working on a masters. This past year I got into pretty good shape, and despite the bleak job market I was pretty content with my situation. Needless to say I'm not very content anymore.

The past two months have been rife with pain and misery. All of these feelings that went away when I stopped using returned, and are snowballing daily. I feel worthless because I have no job, I still live at home with my father (I'm 27 fucking years old), I still don't have a license, and I'm so lonely. I can't bring myself to go to AA/NA meetings because I don't want to talk to the people I know there. I've still been working out, but it hasn't helped much, and I can't stop gorging on food lately. All of these "good" habits I've developed are slipping through my fingers. I haven't smiled in a while, and find myself staring into oblivion and barely able to carry a conversation. Even as I write this, my self-loathing makes it hard to concentrate on very simple tasks.

I apologize for this long, robotic rant. I just don't know what to do. In a weird, twisted way I won't resort back to using drugs (since they didn't kill me in the first place). I'm just so miserable and lonely. I feel almost completely hopeless, and hope that I may find some kindred spirits on this forum.
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