Re: Open this thread!

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by headcrash, Jan 14, 2009.

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  1. headcrash

    headcrash Well-Known Member

    I just don' t know where to post my post, so I append it here.
    My P.M.-Box is of course open, too, and after having finished I will edit my multi-messenger-accounts.

    I' m Matthias, aged 40, suicide-attempt-survivor living on his own in a suburbian area of northern germany.
    The reason I write really is more than boredom, but I don' t know, where to start, with my sister, with the Forum Enger, with my parents, with jesus fuckin' (sorry) christ or just with the day today ?
    okay I am desperate and in need of a HUMAN. I' ve had several tons of medicine and therapy-attempts but nothing ever seemed to help except for the uncertain hope that everything will be alright when I' m just off this planet.
    I' ve had a little handicapped-minded sister who passed away through a car accident in 1995. I am oldest of 3, my brother is alive, doing well and a proud father of a 5-month-old son. my parents are alive as well, kinda suffering from different physical illnesses and they dare to call themselves christian. I have founded a local music club called new forum enger as follower of the club where I spent the half of my youth and to encourage young people to grab their fate by them socks and begin to more than just consume.
    I gave my life to jesus but now this decision is hunting me. I' m considered to be suffering from chronical psychotic scizophrenia. I have written two books to transform the pain into words, just to leave a trace.

    I have slept in my childhood' s chamber tonight, the ghosts of former days are haunting me. I was in therapy with beret and met robin when he visited her, I appreciate this forum as appropriate virtual help for hard times.

    beside my keyboard I just emptied a bottle of beer, I' m living of social money (nevertheless always broke down) and it seems all is left is my stereo, my tobbacco, pizza, my telephone and a very little rest of hope.

    the meaninglessness of all my attemps to get help is more present than ever.

    but I LOVE life, it must be given from................ the universe itself.

    I can' t go on, I will now append my messengers, am always open to lend a helping hand or ear, set (must set) all my hope in the scripture of jesus defeating old beelzebub and will be found rotten in some scientology-cell being eaten by RATS because I have dozens of enemies not only from the nazi-scene. I' m off now, promise to do myself no harm and one day just will cease to excist stopping breathing sorry I once was human myself but now feel like being eaten alive I have even no more fear or loneliness. I' ve read nearly every book from andrew vachss dealing with abuse in every imaginable form, may it be sexual or emotional. I laugh. someone help me, please
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2009
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Hello Headcrash

    Welcome to SF!

    I"m sorry to hear about your sister passing. That must have been difficult for your family. Have you gone to social services and requested aid for your concerns about schizophrenia?

    It sounds like you're really productive. Writing two books, starting a club. I admire that in a person. Religion can be really helpful for some people but other times its a source of concern. Have you talked with your religious leader about your feelings towards God/everything?

    I'm not sure if you're suffering from bouts of paranoia but if you're having problems with Nazis (especially in Germany) I'd think the police likely to quickly resolve the situation.


  3. headcrash

    headcrash Well-Known Member

    it' s not an open offense, it' s kinda uncertain fear because those people think a lot of honour or pride and in the paper gettin' the people for the club together I made it very clear that we do not want violence freaks or racist people, probably (hopefully) it' s just in my head............

    I think our remaining family was put closer together through the death of my sister. (that' d be a good thing coming from carrying the fate).

    I' ve left my unnumbered therapy in october and now have a small appartment.

    we have two religious leaders in our community, when preaching one of them seems to be excusing for what he' s preaching and the other one tells praying speaking with god. and we have guest preachers on sunday evening.

    thank you for the quick reply and welcome message.

    I take my med (injections) regularly but have no professional to talk with momentary. I am well informed about pre-signs of a psychotic episode like sleeplessness. I am programmer. I love it when the hair at the back of my neck stands up listening to music. soon the club will start the new year' s meetings gathering together and probably starting an open air festival in spring. I do not write momentary due to my boring life. I will seek and search a johnny cash record now to fire it up and it might be a good idea to talk to someone on the phone or make a pizza and than care for kinda job or next rehab. the more I give the more I get. it MUST be worth the whole thang, everyone passing away through own hand has died in vain. I mean they' re CRAZY using the bible as weapon and fighting and killing people in the name of GOD.

    I will try to stay active here to weave a virtual web of one helping the other.

    it' s I have experienced most human being animals (including myself) but I' ll give my very best to spread hope and a sign of humanity proving the whole struggle is worth........................ being dealt with.

    soon more.

    stay safe everyone
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 14, 2009
  4. Like Jameslyons said, I as well admire your effort a lot. You're writing books, started a band, devoted yourself to religion... I was always turned to religion, but lately things went worse and I feel more devoted to it. I'm also a christian, though I'm unfortunately far away from a role model.

    To me it looks like you really devoted yourself to something, I don't know how to explain, you belong somewhere, like in the band, your church, your family (you're an uncle yay :) , I'm an aunt and it's fun. Though she's one year older than me, haha)

    I'm sorry for your sister and your psychotic schizophrenia. That's just sad and unfair.

    I hope things get better very soon, I think you have more than enough problems for a lifetime.
  5. headcrash

    headcrash Well-Known Member


    I' m simply drowning.

    There' s a campaign on London Busses: There probably is no God. Stay safe and enjoy your Life.

    I' m afraid they' re right.
  6. headcrash

    headcrash Well-Known Member

    yeah more than a lifetime
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 15, 2009
  7. Well, I guess I should say now "of course God exists", but that's questionable. People like us here are kind of a proof. Why such things happen? Sometimes I feel like I did something bad to Someone up there way before I was born and now I'm getting what I deserve. But what did I do?

    If he really is here, he sure has strange ways...

    But religion helped a lot of people and gave them strength, my friend's family can prove that with how it helped them when her mother died.

    If nothing, God at least brings people together. Church has downsides, but then again it's all humans fault... But then again you know what they say: God was made by humans. Not vice versa...

    Heh, question's up since the dawn of ages, why crack it now? :mellow:
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