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Re: When You Feel You Can’t Go On Please Hold On

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by ipromisei'llcomebacktoyou, Dec 1, 2007.

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  1. Hi.
    I'm new here, and "When You Feel You Can't Go On Please Hold On" was the first post that I read on here. Thank you for posting it. It helped me. And I sobbed - I'm not exagerating.
    I'm not sure if this is the right place to do this, but I have some things to get off of my chest.
    I've been looking for a place to get my feelings out. About 3 weeks ago, my aunt messaged me asking why I was sad (she was referring to something I wrote in my facebook status), and I just said that it's just one of those days. A few minutes later, I messaged back another message, going into depth about everything that was going on. I told her about how I'm scared that I'm going to die, I told her how my friends don't love me anymore, I told her how I'm scared that I'm not going to have a chance to say goodbye to anyone, and I told her that no one loves me anymore. I told her that I'm going in a dark depression - and I have so much fear. I told her that I'm scared that I'm failing at life. I told her that I don't know what I did in life to deserve all the horrible stuff that has happened to me. I told her that I'm honestly so hurt.
    That was the first time that she had any idea what I was going through. My mom doesn't even know, although I think my older sister somewhat knows. G-d only knows if she cares at all, or if she knows how serious I am about everything. Anyways, my aunt wrote back a huge message. And I sobbed reading it.
    And the truth is, that I really am scared. All I say everyday is, "Why did it have to be me?" And I really want to know why. But I can't find any answers.
    I don't want to die. I'm only 14 years old. I'm in grade 9. I haven't even graduated yet. Theres so much that I wanna do in life. But I'm honestly exhausted. I don't even know why I'm still here. Actually, I have some idea of why I'm still here, but I'll explain it a bit later.
    Even though it hurts so much to go on in life, I don't want to say goodbye to the things and the people that mean the most to me. I really don't wanna say goodbye to people and things that have saved me from ending my sorrow. But sometimes it feels like the only way to happiness is death. I'd rather be dead and at peace than alive and miserable.
    Life is so frusterating. School is also. I lost a lot of my friends. I'm honestly all alone at school. But theres always one person who I talk to, even though sometimes I can really hate her. I told her about one of the first times that I really wanted to die. I was at a resturant with my mom and my sisters. I don't even remember clearly what happened. All I remember was that they were being cruel. And I didn't wanna go through it anymore. It all happened so fast. I ran to the bathroom and into the stall. I was crying and I started scratching my own wrists with my own nails as hard as I can. I remember looking at it after I did. I remember that for some odd reason I felt better. But I looked down at the red long scratches and I felt SO much pain. Physically, spiritually, mentally. I got really scared. So my sister came to the bathroom and told me that I have 2 minutes to get back to the table. She left, and one minute later I came back. My mom said, "I don't care what your problem is, but never leave the table ever again." That was when I knew I was on my own. And THAT was hurtful. They didn't even know what I had done in the stall. No one even saw the marks.
    Anyways, so I told this friend about this. At the time, she was surrounded with I think 3 of my other friends. She asked me if I wanted to go to the guidance councelor on Monday. I don't remember what I answered her, but 2 seconds later, they said they had to go. And they were gone. And now it's hard to talk to her about anything. I miss the security and safeness that I felt when I had my friends. When I knew that they loved me, and that they'd always be with me. I feel kinda naked, like theres no one there anymore. And I really can't tell her anything. I don't think she takes it seriously. And I think it's horrible how everyone underestimates me. No one really knows that if I really had to, I would end my life. And I really would -if I got to that point. Another time I was out for dinner with just one of my sisters and my mom. I mentioned a song, "It Ends Tonight". I said that most people think that it's about a person ending a relationship. And before I could say that it's really about suicide, my sister said, "What? Are you gonna kill yourself". I almost started crying, but I held myself. Because I know what would have happened if I started crying. I would go home, and it would all be over. Even if I didn't start crying - at that point I just wanted to go home and do it, to prove a point.
    No one believes me when I tell them the part of the my story that I'm gonna tell in this paragraph - but here it goes:
    MUSIC HAS SAVED MY LIFE. A little bit random, I know. But it really has. On August 12th, before school started I went to a Josh Groban concert. It changed my life. At the concert, I was the happiest I ever was. I cried so much. For some people, no one understands how it can change my life. But it did. I thought I was gonna be ok. I thought I was gonna make it through. I really thought there was hope. His music, and just himself made me happy. I don't know why, but it did. And I say everyday to myself, that he saved me. And he really did. No joke. And I owe him my life up this point. I came home, and I played one of his songs. I cried hysterically. Screaming and crying. I was on the floor crying. No one heard me though. I don't know why. From that point on, I filled my heart and soul with music. And I can honestly say now that it saved me. It's amazing what one person can do for you.
    But things are getting bad now. Music still helps so much. But everyone makes fun of me because they think that I'm obsessed - like stupidly obsessed. But it's really just saving me. And as much as I tried to explain to that friend of mine, all she could say was "OK, HE IS NOT YOUR SAVIOUR! HE DID NOT SAVE YOU! HE"S NOT SAVING YOU. YOU HAVENT EVEN MET HIM." I can't believe she did that. No one gets it.

    How come no one ever hears me crying myself to sleep? All I ever wanted was for someone who means the world to me to hold my hand and tell me that everything was gonna be ok. NO ONE EVER DID THAT FOR ME! And I'm loooking for the hand that I can hold. Because I want that really badly.
    I always wonder if people who have treated me horribly during life - would have thought twice about their actions towards me, if they knew that I'm like this. I wonder that if oneday those people found out I was dead, if they would care at all. Would they have changed the way they acted? I think that a few kind words from these people will save. But no - because they don't know what I'm going through. Only sometimes I look happy on the outside. But no one understands that even the happiest looking people have their demons. And I have mine. And it hurts that no one knows. My teachers don't know - my beautiful little cousins who I love so much don't know, my dad doesn't know, my grandparents don't know. And random people at school don't know.
    I feel cheated. Cheated of happiness and love. Everyone else got it, except me. I just want to know what I did in life to deserve what I've received.
    The truth is, that way before all of this started, I didn't understand suicide. I thought it was ridiculous. I didn't get why someone would do that. I thought that I would never do it to myself, no matter how mad I was. But then it started creeping up on me, and suddenly, in the blink of an eye, I understood it perfectly. I had no questions about it. And that scared me SO MUCH.
    That's all I have to say.
    Sorry if I ruined this message board w/ my post.. I wasn't sure where to do it.
    With Love,
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there..

    Just wanted to give you a hug and welcome to SF :)


    Hang in there, keep posting..

  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am sorry to hear your family doesn't seem to take an interest in you and show you the love they should. You mentioned how music is important to you. You will find many of us feel the same. Our tastes may be different, but music plays a big part in our lives. It can be an escape. You said you like Josh Groban. Have you heard his new christmas cd Noel? It is wonderful. I am looking forward to seeing you around the forum and getting to know you better. remember that you are not alone. :hug:
  4. ClockworkCrow

    ClockworkCrow Active Member

    No, no, I am not offended. On the music note, i think that's true for many of us here. I'm not a fan of josh groban, but music is music.

    You can count on me on staying smilie free (Words can suffice my emotions much better than some mass-produced yellow maniac, damnit)!

    Wait, i think i used a smilie once already. Well, from now on...
  5. Melancholy

    Melancholy Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF :smile:

    I hope that you get the support and friendship you deserve on here. I'm sure many of us here share your experiences, you don't need to feel alone.

    I too use music as my getaway - and I totally understand what you mean about no-one else quite understanding how it can make you feel. Lots of people enjoy music, but very few, like you, can appreciate it to its full

    Take care and stay safe
  6. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    hey and welcome to SF :hug:
  7. *dilligaf*

    *dilligaf* Staff Alumni

  8. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    welcome to the forum. I hope you can find the support and friendship you need.
  9. Hazibell

    Hazibell Well-Known Member

    welcome to SF! hope you find everything you need here, always here if you need to PM
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