reach out your hand to me so I can grab it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by marjoke, Mar 27, 2012.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Last night was a disaster....I couldn't sleep...I was very restless and anxious...I feel so overwhelmed by my emotions...I felt a lot...and nothing...
    I know I can't go on like this...things must change...I'm so lonely...I'm not afraid of the death...I'm afraid of without without a purpose...
    I know I have to go to get help...I am on the 'waitinglist' untill a place gets available...but will the people there be able to give me that help that I need? I will never leave you are always in my my my whole being...I won't let you go...never...
    Why did you have to die? Why couldn't it be me? Why couldn't it be both of us...Why didn't you take me with you?
    I'm so desperate...
    No one cares if I live...or die...except your parents...but I can not be a substitute for you...they hold on to me but that hurts me more and more...YOU are no longer with us and I cannot and will not take your place...

    I came here...hoping to find support...but actually no one here does really care about me...some say they do...but how can you take care of somebody you don't really know? Why would somebody here care about me? Most of the people here are struggling themselves...are fighting their own demons...I don't know but I brace myself onto each straw...untill it breaks...I am drawning...but no one seems to see it...ultimately no one cares...

    I miss you so much...just want to be with you...near you...feel your arms around me...feel protected by you...but you are at the other side...maybe watching over me...just reach out your hand to me so I can grab it...and I will never let it go again...
  2. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Hi marjoke

    I just spent half an hour writing a response and when I clicked post it was saying I wasn't logged in. I have to get ready to go do some blood tests but I want you to know what I wrote so as soon as I get home in a few hours I will re-respond I promise.

    For now please know that you are not alone. In your actual situation you may feel it, but in your pain you are really not, believe me. Speak very soon x
  3. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Hi I am back.

    You are right I don't know you. But I know pain. And I care about other people in pain, I don't know why, maybe because I have too much love/empathy/whatever. I think the same goes for a lot of people here. We are so unhappy, so desperate, so lonely in our pain that we reach out to places like this probably because it is easier to connect to people that are feeling the same as us.

    It sounds like you have lost someone very close, a partner or maybe close friend? It sounds recent? Lots of people here have lost various people they love, myself included, some have even lost their most cherished, and so can understand how you feel. This doesn't make you feel too much better I know, nor does hearing that 'time heals' my opinion when it comes to losing someone, time makes things more 'dealable' never stop loving or missing a person but after time you can get through each day easier than the beginning. Words had little effect on me and I just didn't want to hear them anyway at that time. I can't take away your pain, I wish I could, but I can tell you that you aren't as alone as you feel, and that people do care even on the internet despite not knowing you or having their own demons to battle.

    You mention about not having a purpose in life. I can imagine I would feel the same if I lost my partner. You cannot replace someone, but you can add new purposes to your life...when you are ready. It could be anything, big or small to start with. Help people, start a project whether it is something creative for yourself or to help others in need or one day when you are ready foster or adopt a child and completely change that little persons life, or just make a best friend that needs help like you. Obviously you are at a raw stage now so you really need to focus on yourself and small things but please know that there are other potential purposes to life out there which may change your life for the better, I know it is not what you had planned and I am so sorry for that, and I am sorry these words may not be what you wanted to hear. I secretly still believe that if I cry enough, am desperate enough and spill my soul to people that eventualy someone will be able to 'fix' me and change it all. I genuinely do care that another human being is suffering and feeling this way.

    You say you are on a waiting list for a hospital. Maybe this could give you time away from lifes other daily chores and pressures, and from the pressure of the parents you mention, so you can have time to grieve and eventualy begin the healing process. You may also learn valuable coping tools in there if you get some kind of therapy. (I never had bereavement counselling, my mum did and over time it helped her even if just for the relief of a few hours it kept her going. I never had any because I 'didn't believe in it' or think it would help but with hindsight I wish I had)

    I responded because I care, I hope you can believe that.

  4. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Today it's been 4 years, 4 months and 9 days since Cedric was ripped out my life...2 weeks later I had a miscarriage so I even lost our unborn baby...
    So it isn't very recent and I can understand somewhere people saying to me it's time to 'move on'...but I can't...
    For me it is like it happened yesterday...
    There has been a time that I could handle it better....but than things has happened and I have fallen again into that bottomless pit...and I can't manage to get out again...I'm not sure if I even want to...his voice seems to calling me again and again and again...I just want to be with him again...restarting where it has end...I know that isn't possible but I have to have something to believe in...
    I don't know how it must go further...I just want to more more more more grief...
    Most of the people here might think that I appoint...but I know what I hurts...keeps hurting...will be hurting for ever...and I can't cope with that...
  5. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    4years you have made it through well that is commendable you are coping with so much grief and still getting by which shows ur strength. If I wasn't already living this shit and suicidal then losing Li would make me and i know twenty years would pass or fifty and id still feel pain. Same with my mum. I still miss dad I was 16 and after ten years still cry sick about it at times but then I carry on. I dont think u should move on. You should always keep his memory alive. You should do other things too that are positive and make you feel happiness even if its only fleetingly.

    Losing someone and living with grief is one of the hardest things in the world. That's what keeps me breathing right now because its an awful awful devastating thing.

    But four years you have come so far, what a person you are, to have not given up despite wanting to. Have you searched for any new purposes, is there anything you want to do that you are able to whilst you're here? Keep looking for things and doing things. Is that what cedric wanted for you? I can't have kids it looks like but I would have liked to adopt or foster if not for my health, I think children bring meaning and purpose to life and just because cedric won't be there u can tell this little child what an amazing person you knew before they were born.

    Of course Im not saying kids are the answer to everything and u should never rush. into a thing like that til ur ready, but it is just one line of thinking.
  6. Caos

    Caos Active Member

    hello,sorry for your loss, mine has passed away a year and a half ago and still struggling to accept the fact he wont come back again. there is no words that can descpribe our deep feelings and emotions. i am wth you on this, the pain is just too much to bare at times. hope you will find the stenght to go on, i sure dont so not much to be helpftull to you. will say prayer for you, that is all i have to give but if you need to talk in private feel free to do so. blessings, marie
  7. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    It doesn't matter anymore... I will just give up...

    To Brokengirl123 en Caos who has answered here...have tried to support me...thank you...

    Please forgive me....
  8. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Are you still there marjoke. Please respond. Please hang on. I want to go too I really do I know how hard it is to stay alive each minute when you don't want to be. I do I am hating every minute I feel so trapped. But don't give up, not yet, anyway. The option is still always going to be there, for us to give up, but once we do the option to try again is taken away permanently.

    Who knows what another year might bring you, what new purposes lay ahead if you don't hang around long enough to find out. I know your grief will always be inside you but there is still so much in the world you can do before you leave.

    I really hope you come back or at least manage to get some of the help in the hospital that you want.

    I'll keep checking this thread whenever I can

  9. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    please, marjoke, if you're still alive, please let us know! please don't go!
  10. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    my hand ia always here for you
  11. BornAgain

    BornAgain Well-Known Member

    Hi, I read so much love from your post, that is almost poetry.

    Here is a secret, if you close your eyes and stretch both hands, you can grab that loved one with your left hand and God with your right hand, it will feel weird at first, but you will get used to it, make sure to not doubt though...

    I care about you, I care about strangers, sick people, homeless, abused people, because I see in them and read in your words somebody reaching for help and I remember the words of Jesus:

    “Then they also will answer Him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see You hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to You?’ Then He will answer them, saying, ‘Assuredly, I say to you, inasmuch as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me.’ And these will go away into everlasting punishment, but the righteous into eternal life.” (Matthew 25:44-46 NKJV)

    I am not in pain, but I am here trying to help others, as I was in pain before; in regards to the pain hurting you, it is a strong force, that I found out if you offer it to God, for him to use it to heal others, the pain is more bearable.

    There is a mission for you out there and that is why you are still here, you can reach out to other women that miscarried or lost a loved one, hear them and tell them what has helped you, maybe adopt a child that will never find any parents to take care of him, volunteer in Africa helping children, but always remember to take some time to close your eyes and hold both hands...

    Big hug for you, God bless you
  12. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    still here...with a terrible headache...but still the 'wrong' side... *cry

    I have lost faith in 'god'...what 'god' is he for let people suffer that much??? I must have something very wrong for being treated this way...
  13. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Please respond marjoke :( please know that aren't truly completely alone. We are all human beings behind these screens. We really do care.
  14. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    I feel the same about God now. I just don't believe in being tested or that he wants us to suffer and endure to get to him. This isn't a game!!! Jesus got his relief at the end, he didn't have to wait long. How long do we wait for ours? Why can't we just all live averagely, with minor problems and situations that we can fix or improve with the right amount of determination. Giving us permanent suffering, ripping our loved ones away too soon, allowing humans to have even been built with this potential evil in them when you could have just created things differently. I know we need bad to know what good us. But not this kind of bad. THIS IS NOT A GAME. We would have been good and kind people even without all this suffering. We don't deserve this just to prove we want to be good and go somewhere nice in the end.

    If he was so powerful to have created everything, then he created this. ANd he would have the power to change it or change the way we were made (HE made us after all, he made us what we are not us, he gave us the hormones and chemicals and potential evil he had to know not everyone would choose right, he created disease and the earth and the natural disasters)

    He clearly just likes to play a game with us and see how badly we want to get to him. Yeah, fun. Thanks a lot.
  15. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Sorry I just completely realised I had a very major significant rant on religion I am so sorry if I upset anyone, please if a mod needs to move or delete it please do so.

    I am just so angry and crying right now I can't think straight. I apologise again, I'm so sorry.
  16. Ldub20

    Ldub20 Well-Known Member

    As is mine. If I could make your suffering go away Marjoke I would.
  17. jessneedstobethin

    jessneedstobethin Well-Known Member

    we're all here for you marjoke, please stay with us!
  18. Arthur

    Arthur Account Closed

    marjoke, you're a sweet person, try to hang on please, i care a lot about you.
  19. marjoke

    marjoke Account Closed

    Thank you're all too kind to me...
    I hope I can handle it a little longer but it's so hard to face it every day again...I'm so desperate...such a loser...such a failure...
  20. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    sweetie, if the the pain is so persistent, maybe it's time to go to the hospital right now. tell them straight that you need you see a psychiatrist.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.