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Reaching comfortable boredom during this time.

#1
So, I've basically lost all my friends because of my lack of success and/or refusal to stay on social media. I don't really have an opportunity to meet new people until the pandemic is over, so I've been feeling semi-suicidal recently because of that. But then I thought, if I actually had a painless way to go in front of me, would I do it?

No.

I don't think I'm truly suicidal anymore, and I think it's just because I have so much faith in people. It took me a long time to outgrow the idealization phase, only recently have I, upon all my friends leaving me and spending a lot of time alone. Not being on social media for me is something great to commit to - when I have an account open, I'm constantly in anxiety, feeling like I'm not in control of my life. So I've quit and am not planning to rejoin, hopefully for the final time.

But this pandemic is like a pause button. Nothing for me can really resume until it's all over. So I've been doing a lot of reading - forums on here and reddits, and sometimes the news. It's all that really helps me feel occupied. Oh and lots of music.

When I am able to socialize again, I'm going to make it a point not to idealize people anymore, and to never assume that a friendship with a person is all I need, or sufficient. Because when I let the friends circle narrow down to people I constantly hang out with, and stop seeking, and then all the friendships come to an end (this is what happened), I'm left with a deep sense of sadness and lack of motivation to seek new friendships/relationships. I now realize it's not worth it to let myself get that deep down sad unnecessarily, even though I've (childishly) thought of friendships in the past with terms like loyalty, best friend, favorite, stuff like that. I struggled with a disrespectful and overly demanding parent, and an overprotective one, so it's taken a long time to grow up and find realistic and reasonable coping methods when I never wanted to abide by either extreme.

I hope everyone can enjoy the things they like most, even if they seem like nothing. I like golf, for example; that's a hobby that sounds like it means something; but sometimes when I'm out on the course I'm completely miserable and am just going through the motions so I can get home and get back to my music and reading. I really do enjoy simplicity, and I think gauging my preferred living style has kept me from having freakouts in front of other people. If my bottled up emotions get out unhealthily expressed, it's when I'm alone now and I feel like I've made a step forward in that way. Sometimes I do get completely stuck in one position and don't want to get up or do anything at all, and when that happens, I count to 5 and get up and do something.

Lastly, I'm very thankful for the internet, as it is how I spend most of my time, though I feel like without it we'd be a more social society. But possibly more dangerous too, so I'm looking forward to how people will react to technology as it becomes more all-encompassing over the years and hopefully we can come up with a better hybrid model where people can be spending more time together instead of isolating.

Hope this helps / someone can relate. If not, hope you're doing well and my best advice would be to be yourself.
 

KM76710

KM stands for Kangaroo Manager
SF Supporter
#3
Welcome to the forum. No friends either for me here, I only have acquaintances and associates but have always been a loner type. I just tend to myself and go from there and visit with some of my neighbors and my family from time to time. Wishing you well.
 

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