Reaching out...need to understand myself

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Jagroen, Oct 31, 2012.

  1. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Wrong Life

    Hello,
    My name is C. T and I’ve decided that I’m going to be writing a “journal” about how I feel and the things that occurred in my life, and hopefully find out what is wrong with me. I know this is a long post but its not EVERYTHING that happened in my life…its what I can remember the top of my head without reading my journal…

    Young age: parents divorced they got remarried
    Kindergarten..alone…punched a kid for bullying me..
    Elementary…grade 4 Mrs M. saying I have adhd and I need riddilin
    Grade 5-6 getting bullied and rejected by girls for school dances
    Junior high, being bullied more and more, no girls liked me in a relationship way
    J. H forced me to go down on him, either I did that or he would’ve shot me with his dad’s hunting rifle…
    Found a new friend, D.W ….thought I could confide in him…but made me do dirty things too…

    Grade 8 met A. R, my nemisis…always picked on me and tortured me…stole stuff from me…told EVERYBODY bout my past experiences…more and more people ridiculed me…rebelled and stole money from school cafeteria..got caught and was good at lying but told mom truth…paid it back..

    Grade 9…went to work at first job…they had me be a errand boy and do the dirtest of jobs yet A. R got a supervisor position at sobeys(grocery store)

    Grade 10 – met N.K, thought she would have been my first gf…but she thought I was a brother…here is where the “brother” shit starts…normal bullying still goes on…did below average in grades…A. W was my best female friend…all through high school then communication ceased…

    Grade 11 – Met B .M and D. P my two friends that kept me going throught high school and didn’t drop out…trusted them, hung out everyday…I was on top of the world…then I met N. B and she changed my life…I fell for her and fast and hard…she fit everything I looked for in a girl and she lead me on, only to find out she had a bf of 5 yrs..

    Grade 12 I job jumped till I was at a theatre, I loved it there, friends movies good times…till I met S. D and dated her for like a day…she liked my friend but not me..i found a girl at school A. G was sweet and childish though…she dated me for a week only to tell me she was a mother from a previous relationship…got away from that..at theatre I got promoted twice, I was SO happy then I met T. S…dated her for a week then she dumped me saying “I bring up my past too much” then a few days later we got back together…T. S and I had A LOT of problems and drama for a year and a half..everything that happened in that time made me think…maybe my parents don’t want me going to college/university and stay at home being a butler…

    Relationship got worse and worse…even though I lost my virginity to her…I had 2 chances to cheat on her with my female “shoulders” if u may call them..but I didn’t…I was honest to my relationship…I was pussy whipped, she controlled me too much…I let her…I quit numerous jobs for her…didn’t go to the college I wanted to stay with her…then my depression got worse and I tried taking my life once again..and that’s when my mom was sick and tired and sent me to Ontario…where my life changed..
    If you are reading this, im sorry for the TL:DR but I feel this is needed to help clear stuff up..ever since high school I get this feeling like im a failure, no good person..noone wants me…I cant even start a convo with a random girl at a store without her calling me a freak or something mean…so I start to wonder…maybe im attracted to guys and girls…how do I know…its like my biggest secret…I almost feel like the main character in “Suicide Room”, I stay in my room and play games, trying to find a job..but don’t care anymore..the online world helps me but also makes me mad..

    If you feel the same way I feel or think, how do u manage to keep going and keeping things a DEEP secret…I feel embrassed if people make gay jokes or say im gay…and all I think about is my past before high school…I hope someone can help me find out who I am and what I really want in life…before its too late…
    Moving to Ontario is a “fresh start” but ive lied too much to my new friends, trying to make my life look normal…also hiding things from them…I cant tell them I think I MIGHT be gay or bi…they will stop being my friend…I feel guilty all the time just thinking of all the lies and dishonesty ive done, and im a bad friend and I don’t deserve to be here….i think its why I deserve everything bad that goes on in my life…

    I keep thinking I just want to end it all, just leave my “friends” and go far away like I did to my friends back in Alberta. Don’t talk to them, and just end my life…as for family..shit happens…they don’t know whats going on till its over and done with. I need someone to confide in, but I don’t know who to trust, if I cant even trust myself…
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi C T lots of people here that are gay that are bi and no one judges hun. You are who you are there is not reason you need to be embarrassed about YOu. Your friends like you for who YOU are whether you are gay straight bi it is you they like ok
     
  3. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    I am glad you found this forum - there are a lot of different areas that may be helpful here for you. I recommend you read through and consider posting in the Rape and Abuse subforum found here - http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?21-Rape-amp-Abuse , the Relationships and Sexual Orientation forum here http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?99-Relationships-and-Sexual-Orientation and to find somebody to hust talk with likely someone will volunteer to message you anyway but feel free to reply to or post in the buddy chat subforum here - http://www.suicideforum.com/forumdisplay.php?36-Buddy-Chat ...............

    Like many many things in life issues are easier to deal with and easier for people to help you with when they are broken down into manageable pieces. You can continue to post updates here of course or may find it easier to do that in the members diaries section where replies will come to your private message box instead of being posted in the thread itself - as you prefer. If you would like help setting that up or moving your initial post there just click on my name and send me a private message. Feel free to message if you just want to talk as well or stop by chat to say hi to the friendly folks there.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  4. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to read it, my mind has been bugging me and i feel like im getting weaker and maybe its my root of my depression..
     
  5. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    So i still dont understand whats going in my life, but everyday it feels like like im in a war with my parents ever since my ex and i broke up

    im losing everything that was once valued to me, so i have started giving away stuff like my video game accounts or the stuff on it..
    my xbox shortly here...never play it...
    parents took back the car...so no point in driving...or have a license cept to buy legal age materials

    I just feel like a complete loser....a failure......maybe even a mistake....
     
  6. Jagroen

    Jagroen Well-Known Member

    Well, i was talking to my councellor and she suggested that maybe im confused because im questioning everything in my life, even my sexuality... its just getting to me and i dont know how much longer i can take this