something which has been plaguing me for the longest time is an immense low that follows any sense of enjoyment. tonight, for example. i went out to dinner with some coworkers, and i really enjoyed myself. while i was at dinner i felt fine, i enjoyed talking and laughing and joking around with them, then as SOON as i stepped out of the car to head home, this sense of utter disgustingness swept over me, i felt wholly inept and that they were all secretly making fun of me or hating me behind my back. its so juvenile and maddening its driving me crazy. everytime i have fun with somebody, i feel like i MUST have screwed up somehow, that somehow they are just completely tearing me apart and just putting up a front of politeness and enjoyment. Its so stupid and so ridiculous, nobody is going to actually invite you to go anywhere with them if they don't enjoy your company and i KNOW this, but as soon as my mind becomes idle or i'm watching TV or something my mind wanders off into these worlds of self-hate and deprecation. i can control it sometimes, or when i happen to just not think about it, but this shit is so goddamned maddening its just ridiculous. i dunno. i just wanted to say that somewhere.