Reactionary Depression

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by DanielC, Mar 19, 2008.

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  1. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    something which has been plaguing me for the longest time is an immense low that follows any sense of enjoyment.

    tonight, for example. i went out to dinner with some coworkers, and i really enjoyed myself. while i was at dinner i felt fine, i enjoyed talking and laughing and joking around with them, then as SOON as i stepped out of the car to head home, this sense of utter disgustingness swept over me, i felt wholly inept and that they were all secretly making fun of me or hating me behind my back. its so juvenile and maddening its driving me crazy. everytime i have fun with somebody, i feel like i MUST have screwed up somehow, that somehow they are just completely tearing me apart and just putting up a front of politeness and enjoyment.

    Its so stupid and so ridiculous, nobody is going to actually invite you to go anywhere with them if they don't enjoy your company and i KNOW this, but as soon as my mind becomes idle or i'm watching TV or something my mind wanders off into these worlds of self-hate and deprecation. i can control it sometimes, or when i happen to just not think about it, but this shit is so goddamned maddening its just ridiculous.

    i dunno. i just wanted to say that somewhere.
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    hey i get that sometimes too and yeah the paranoia of it.. its okay though:hug:
  3. Will

    Will Staff Alumni

    I get that all the time. In the moment I feel even the slightest happy, I start doubting or calling myself down and I'm all depressed while everyone is happy and good.

    :sad: Ugh...
  4. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    I'm getting really sick of this. at this point i have so much to say and what i want to say keeps escaping my mind when i go to say it.

    there are so many reasons why i am like i am. i made me. there was nothing genetic or accidental about it. i have forever been a chameleon, changing however those around me wanted. i was too smart and answering all the questions in class? Fine, i'll be dumb now be my friend. Talking about computers too much? Fine, i'll talk about skateboarding now be my friend. Don't like my clothes, my hair, or my fucking personality? FINE i'll change those, now be my goddamn friend. See this pain i have inside? See how much i hurt? Be my friend and save me, help me! you start to tell me about your problems, your life, your story and i go I KNOW I AM LIKE YOU NOW BE MY FRIEND! Good grades? Fine, i'll get bad grades for you. Or do you only love me for getting good grades? Fuck you. abandon me for your new wife? FINE i will just be alone and be fine. allow my mother to give birth to me, to put me into this world as this pathetic wretch? What the fuck?

    Why am i even typing this? Why am i even asking myself this? this isn't a question! it has no answer, i am so tired of not being myself, of just not displaying who i am because i'm afraid that if i do, NOBODY will like me, you will all leave and never come back. you don't care about my wellbeing, you say you do but i know you don't. you go off and have fun with all your other friends and leave me behind. fuck you.

    and thats the problem. you can't be happy alone. you can't say fuck you to everybody, even faux friends. you need them to validate your existence, to give you some sort of purpose. even those who believe in god as their saving grace from themselves have human friends to go along with it. i am so alone and hateful, so whiny and spiteful and manipulative. so drawn within myself. i hate being this way. i hate it so much. i hate driving friends and family away, i want to tell them i love them so bad but i would only be saying that so that they will pay attention to me. give me more!

    i nearly killed myself today. i was sitting alone in the backroom with a boxcutter that had a fresh blade in it. i was back there with another coworker who got up and left to go out front. it was probably because the store became a little busy while i was there but the only thought that went through my mind was "She hates you, she thinks you're boring and cannot stand being around you, she HATES YOU!" i know that is not true, but i cannot convince myself of that. its like knowing the world is elipse but your mind will only accept that it is a circle.

    people don't hate me on their own. i make them hate me. i become this wretched leech of a creature. then i quit, i move on, i forget, i delete my past from my mind. i remove everything, every single memory which has anything to do with anything. they all hate me, all of them because i am a worthless, loveless wretch of a being.

    they don't. I don't. i love being alive, i don't want to kill myself or die. i do not want to give up on the only existence i will ever EVER have. i don't want to forget my experiences, i don't want to only remember the past as this horrible occurrence to be removed from thought. i just need to remember that the next time i have a knife in my hand.
  5. diver200

    diver200 Senior Member

    I'm with you. The hardest part of this disease is the confusion. I can't understand it, but am learning to live with it. you can too. I know i finally got on some mood stabilizers (bipolar meds) and that does seem to help. Anyway, I hope you get to feeling better! :biggrin:
  6. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    For whatever it's worth I know how you feel. I did the exact same thing. Always changing myself depending on the environment. I don't even know who/what the hell I am. I have no stable identity and it sounds like you are the same. I don't know what to tell you.

    My only advice would be, imagine you are completely alone and a question is presented to you. Could be a deep debate like the existence of God/the morality of abortion, or something simple like what you think of the 'x' computer game. Look within, find your true opinion. Then, ALWAYS, make a deliberate, conscious effort to ALWAYS share that opinion no matter whose company you are in. Start with quiet, more agreeable people - this is easy. Then, the next step would be extroverted, loud opinionated folk. Don't worry when they inevitably brush off your opinion. In their mind they will alway be right, may even start talking down to you. Just ignore it, and be sure to get your opinion across anyway. This is where I am faltering at the moment, but trying. The next step would be anyone who has authority over you. And finally those who you respect most and do not want to offend. I think this is a good way to recreate your identity, a TRUE identity at that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2008
  7. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    I just read the rest of your post and you have A LOT in common with me. Like I said I too put on whatever front is required in the given moment, to ensure I will be liked. It's because I need it, I need that validation. I hate admitting it, but it's true. And if for some reason whatever front I put on does not 'work', or I am looked down upon (which I take very personally, even though I am not showing my true self ....I can't explain that one) I will forget about that person/group, and move onto the next one. I am a drifter, a con artist who shows people what they want to see. And I then feed off them, I feel like I feed off their friendship, well wishings, company etc until they no longer tell me what I want to hear, or I feel they don't hold me in high enough regard. I'll just cut off all contact. I then move on to the next one. Ugh.

    What I want to know are we fucked, or does everyone do this and not want to admit it? I say I feed off people. But what I mean is I use them to validate me, and make me feel good. But isn't that, at its core why EVERYONE has friends?
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2008
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Thats my life, and ya i agree it is very hard because one day youll look back and wont have a clue who you are. However, your wrong about being happy alone. Right now, im in the process of 'validating' my own existence, giving myself a reason and growing my self-esteem based on my view of my strengths, not what others see. When i started doing this, i lost a lot of friends... but i am glad i still have a few who knew the real me from the beginning.

    I think you need to get closure and talk about this stuff with a councellor and learn from the mistakes. Once you do this you will get to know who your real friends are and who will be there in the end.

    itll prbably be hard to accept it but if you want to get out of what your in you have to, everything can be rebuitl still

    good luck though
  9. Feared.Desire

    Feared.Desire Well-Known Member

    I do the same thing for the ‘always worrying about my having done something wrong.’
    And the being depressed when only alone, yeah. I’ve read about something like that before. Apparently it’s not that uncommon. When you’re at some sort of social event you forget your depression temporarily, and then whenever you’re on your own, you become depressed again.
  10. DanielC

    DanielC Member

    man i completely fucking understand...that describes my current feelings of who i am and how i react towards people. i have that exact same struggle in my mind, am i being selfish and jealous or is it normal to want to do things with them and feel left out when they don't invite you? christ...maybe it just boils down to the need to go out more hah.
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