Read about my life and tell me if suicide is worth it.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by anonymouscharlie, Aug 11, 2012.

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  1. anonymouscharlie

    anonymouscharlie New Member

    I'm going to tell you guys about my screwed up life that's not worth living anymore. I'm going to try to summarise everything because it's too long to elaborate on.

    I've faced so much of disappointment, heartbreak, abuse, loneliness and a lot more.

    I choose to remain anonymous.

    When I was a baby, everything was alright. Everyone was happy and everything was peaceful. Fast forward to when I was a little kid, about 4 years old. My father hated me. He always found it necessary to hit me over minor things. When I dropped something, he'd bash me up. If I stepped on my little brother's toes by mistake, my father would slam my head on the bed frame to 'punish me for bullying my brother'. My mother never knew about this as he would do it behind her back, and I was too young and afraid to understand why my dad was treating me like that.

    When I was 5, I started losing my hearing for some unknown reason. No-one knew about it because they didn't bother to take me for a check-up. Until then, I faced unimaginable circumstances.
    From the age of 5, till I was a teenager, I was ridiculed in school. I was bullied so much by the students, even teachers. I scored well though, sometimes even topping my entire batch, but I still got bullied. I had a hunch that I was losing my hearing, and I told this to my mom, but she laughed it off and said I was crazy. Until then, my teachers thought I was a loser who never bothered paying attention in class, and they labelled me a 'rebel' and a 'worthless student'. My parents even beat me up in public when my grade 4 teacher complained about me not paying attention and defying her by not responding when she called me.

    I was so confused and upset by everything. I didn't retaliate, because what could I possibly say against adults who always thought they were right?

    Fast forward to when I was about 13. After a couple more years of suffering, discrimination and bullying, my hearing loss was diagnosed. But it was not the end of my suffering.

    Going through all that stress as a kid took a toll on my body, and I started developing systemic candidasis. It wreaked so much havoc on my body. It messed up my digestion, my hair, my skin, my nails, basically everything. Up till now, I cannot eat a variety of food without suffering severe allergic reactions, and it's highly debilitating. I've tried every thing. I've visited countless doctors, tried every type of medicine, tried natural stuff, tried dieting, so please do not give me any medical advice because I've tried everything. Really.

    In school, I was shunned so much. I just had to clench my teeth and carry on. I had hardly any friends at all. Most of the school hated me and called me a freak who couldn't hear well and who was always sick. What could I possibly do about that?
    I was so lonely and devastated. Systemic candidasis was seriously screwing my body up and I became so weak and emancipated. I even fainted a couple of times. So much more shit happened.

    I don't know how I managed to score well in my exams and get into my dream college. I got into one of the best colleges in the world, but I'm gonna withhold the name for privacy's sake.

    I'm due to start in a WEEK'S time. I so badly want to go because this has been my dream for years.
    Guess what? My parents are not allowing me to go. They say I don't deserve it because I'm a failure and I'm worthless. I burden them too much. They'd rather not waste the money on someone 'useless' like me.

    Furthermore, what could I do if they allowed me to go? My health is failing. I'm falling apart. I've visited so many doctors who cannot even help me. I've kept a positive mindset, but I'm still so ill.
    I can cope with being almost deaf, but with systemic candidasis destroying my body bit by bit (and it's excruciating at times), I just cannot cope.

    I've given up on so much in life; I've had to forgo so many dreams. If I forgo my college dream, I will be so heartbroken. I know that college is what we make of it, and I could go to another college, but I got into my dream college, a top college, and I have this one chance to shine and show the people who've mistreated me in the past that I managed to stand on my own two feet. But how can I go if my parents do not allow me, and if my health is horrible?

    I really want to end it all. End this life. I'm tired of being pushed about and bullied. I'm tired of not being normal. I hate my life. The way I was bullied in school has left a huge psychological impact on me, and I cry a lot when I recall it. I am so eager to make friends, so eager to start everything anew, but I cannot even find a cure for this nasty disease in me. How can I just make everything normal in a week? Forget about making things normal - I'm not even being allowed to join college.

    If we'll all die in a few decades, then what's the point of living? Life is shit and so unfair. I've faced too much at a young age. I've even been shunned by family members.

    Should I just commit suicide? <Mod Edit, WildCherry: asking for methods>? My family doesn't care anyway, so I don't give a fuck. Once I end this, everything will be alright.
  2. finster

    finster Member

    Please, if there is any way you can go to this college on your own, just do it, with or without your parents approval. Can you find a job and live on your own while in college? Ask for fianancial aid as an independant student and see what they say. You are to young to throw it all away. Seek counseling at the school to deal with all your emotional baggage that isn't even your fault. You need someone to talk to so keep coming to this forum often for support if nothing else. Good luck, you deserve it with all you've been through!
  3. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    You fought this hard and long , to finally achieve your dream !

    Now you want to give up ? when there is only a final step to take ?
    F it , you can't do that !
    Talk to your councellor , seek up government AID , mail steven hawkins ! he is a greedy sob .
    But of all people he should know how you feel .

    Sorry this step is the easiest if your parents can't support you in that choice .
    Then you have to do the last bit on your own , like you always have done !
    If you got into princeton yale MIT , whatever famous , call them up to discuss it .

    Sure money wise they are sharks , but otherside it is the brains that matters and will to succeed above all things .

    I envy you really , atleast you have something to fight for the rest of your life .
    And without struggle there is no real life .
  4. anonymouscharlie

    anonymouscharlie New Member

    Thanks guys. Just a couple more days to go till my college starts and I'm really trying my best to make it. My parents are not willing to pay my fees which run in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, and I have no idea where I'm gonna get that kind of money from. They can afford it, but they don't want to 'waste it on me' (I curse my luck for having such parents).

    If I don't make it, I'll be humiliated by my so-called 'friends' for blowing my chance, but I really couldn't care less about them. Feeling better today anyway, I don't think suicide is an option...
  5. wishful

    wishful Member

    I think you need to speak w/someone @ the college you want to attend. Tell them the situation & see what type of financial aid/scholarships they can get you...they can hook you up w/a place to live (possibly on campus). Where there's a will there's a sounds as if you have the will. Go for it!! You never know until you try. Meet w/the school...tell your story & then when you graduate you can be an inspiration to another young kid who someone feels the need to kick around. Stand up to you parents...find a way to get out of there & move on w/your dreams!! don't let them stop you!!!
  6. iwannahelp

    iwannahelp New Member

    Rise above them. Everyone. Every teacher, adult, parent, or student who ever did you wrong. Show them that you are stronger than them, and that they're nothing but pathetic.
  7. WldHair

    WldHair Well-Known Member

    Sweetheart, you must rise above this. It's easy to fail, it's easy to give up, but to overcome your hardships when you have so much going for you. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER! Call the school and ask to speak to a counselor. Many of them have a work-study program. Do whatever you have to, but get to this school. First of all, get the heck out of your parents house. Get away from these people, they are toxic, and I guarantee that once you get out of that environment, your health issue will subside. You have to tell yourself that you will do what needs to be done and that failure is not an option.

    Unfortunately, life isn't fair and I've had far more issues than you have and I'm older, but still I keep going. I have kids of my own and have done well to set them on their path. We all have a purpose when we are born, but depression and trauma are the gatekeepers which both drive us, but sometimes keep us from realizing our true potential. Because of your extraordinary circumstances tells me that you're a very special human being and special human beings often get the most crap, so you will have to be strong. I know you are tired, but instead of taking your life, take your life in your hands and get out of your environment. If you can think of anyone at all who will give you a place to stay for the moment, please go to them, there will be someone. But you need to get away from your parents. They are wrong for what they did to you and sadly there are a lot of mean people in this world. However, prove them wrong, prove to them that you can come back from this and one day show kindness to another soul who will need you in the future. We need you here!
  8. i Get that you have had a tough life, i really do. believe it or not i have too. my mother turned into a alcoholic when i was five, hit and abused me, my sister and my brother while my dad was at work. when my dad took her to court she blamed it all on him and nearly took him away. at the age of five i went weeks with no sleep, scared that my mother would attack me, crying every single night. in year 4 i spent a whole year sleeping on a matress on concrete to get away from my mum, had glass cups and plates chucked at me, scars alll over my body, and fell into depression at age 11. whitnessed over 5 people die in car crashes right in-front of my eyes. rejected a serious amount of times, from friends and boys. i dont trust anyone anymore, and havent told anyone that im depressed again. when i was younger i went to hell and back and it feels like im still there, Yes i admit i have had suicidal thought, but Nothing, i MEAN NOTHING is worth suicidal, you never know when your life could get better, and well if youre dead, you will never know. i know 6 people that have taken their own life due to depression and now they will never know what could have happened to them, and when things wouldve gotten better. SUICIDE IS A PERMENANT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM!! REMEMBER THAT! no matter how bad your feeling there are better ways to handle it. My bestfriend nearly took her life a few months ago, but she finally realized she was strong and shes been fighting ever since, she told me a week ago, that fight back was the best thing she ever done, and that she was so happy to be alive. she is now one of the happiest girls i know.

  9. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    There isn't any need to read your post because there is only one answer to your subject question.
    Suicide is never worth it.

    Start living for YOU and stop worrying about everybody else and whether they shun or like you or not. Who cares? Care about YOU.
  10. anonymouscharlie

    anonymouscharlie New Member

    My college won't provide financial help, and working part time jobs isn't going to help me pay my fees. I'm due to start tomorrow and my parents are still indifferent about it. I'm highly depressed as I see no road ahead.

    What a stupid situation, really. My parents can afford it, yet refuse to pay. I should mention that they're spending a lot of time on my younger brother who's absolutely worthless, keeps failing at school, mixes with the wrong company and does a lot of illegal shit behind their backs. And then there's me, willing to work hard, yet I'm getting neglected.

    I worked hard for years for this, and it's heartbreaking to see all my efforts wasted. Maybe I shouldn't dream. Maybe I'm not destined to achieve my dreams. Hate myself so much.
  11. Throwmeawayout

    Throwmeawayout Active Member

    Have you spoken with any higher-ups in the financial aid dept. of the school? I know several people who work in that area at different schools, and they have always told me that there is a lot of flexibility. They might be able to swing something where you can start without having the details sorted out yet. Once you've taken that first step, you might be able to get the rest sorted out. Please try if it is truly your dream to go to that school.
  12. Drake

    Drake Well-Known Member

    Well don't expect charity online , those has been used up already by tons of charlatans .

    What you can do if is go to the bank and have your parents back you up on a Loan .
    That is the least they can do , but you have to pay it off .
    So that is option they can do for there child , if you are dead serious in going to that college .
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