Read?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by pisces-music-girl, Jun 5, 2007.

  1. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    please read please read please read

    I'm not sure where this belongs but I'm guessing it goes here.

    Here we go.

    I'm stressed out all the time, I'm tired most of the time, and there are a lot of days that I just want to crawl into a corner and sleep forever.

    Sometimes I look at people in my class, milling around me, and I think to myself that nobody- even most of my friends- would be affected if I just died. I don't mean suicide, exactly, I'm just talking dead in general from car crashes or disease or something, and sometimes suicide. I just take a look at them, and think to myself that it would be like this: "Oh, she died? Really? Anyway, what's for lunch in the caf?"

    I would really, really like to get professional help, but I know I'll just look weak. It would prove to a lot of people that I can't make it on my own. I have to be strong. I'm strong one everywhere- I'm the shoulder to cry on.

    I haven't cut in two years, but I have failed at inflicting other types of harm. Christmas Eve 2005 I hit myself in the arm with a hammer- hard enough to bruise lightly and hurt for only five minutes. Just last month I went on a ramage one night: I punched myself repeatedly, and I tried to scald myself with hot water. When that didn't work, I swithed rapidly between cold and hot water, trying to prove to myself that I can take this, I can take this, I can take this...

    I'm also afraid that my parents would just stare at me and delay it. I'm afraid to go up to them and say, "I need help right now." I'd just be failing everyone.

    A few of my friends shot down my theory that I have a form of bipolar disorder. I think I have it, because a lot of the symptoms fit me.

    Just every day I'm getting closer to that blade...

    Sorry for the pointless babbling.......................
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 5, 2007
  2. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Heh, since now one's reading I'll just go on and on and on.

    I think I failed Chemistry and it's the only class in my entire life that I failed. This year I didn't know that I wanted more- to pass and be perfect, or to fail and hope someone would notice that I'm not okay, no matter how happy I prentend to be.

    Yesterday my bff made a smart remark about my hardcore emo middle school self cutting with scissors.

    Two of my good guy friends were close by... I will never, ever, forget the look on the faces.

    I'm staring at a can of RAID right now and I wonder how it would feel if I ingested it, sprayed it in my face, sprayed it on my open blister... etc...

    and I'm really thinking aobut that pockeknife very seriously right now.

    very very seriously.

    Just a little slice on my shoulder. Or if I'm feeling brave, my wrist.

    A little slice never hurt anyone, right?
     
  3. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Still no one? Ha, ha, ha.

    Okay. Now my stomach is starting to cramp up and I feel like I could stary crying if something pushes me that way.

    I hate feeling like this. I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE feeling so... so...
     
  4. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    How is SF supposed to help if no one reads new posts?

    I'm starting to feel like I'm spiraling out of control. I've very close to either cutting again, or I just might go for my poetry writing.

    Poetry is the easy way out. I want to feel something other than writer's cramp.

    If my family finds out how messed up I am, they'll cry. And they'll want to talk to me about it. But I don't wanna talk about it to them AT ALL. I'll just really feel uncomfortable at family reunions answering all their goddamn questions. And then they'll yell at me when I tell them to shup up and stop talking to me about it.

    Oh, help, help help...
     
  5. Dragon

    Dragon Staff Alumni

    Honey I don't know how much I can help but I'll try. :hug:

    I know how it feels to be the shoulder everyone cries on, to be the one everyone turns to for help and even though you feel as if you're breaking you can't be the one to admit what you think is weakness - I know it. But sweetheart, sometimes even the 'agony aunt' needs someone to cry on, and it isn't weakness to say that sometimes even you need help.
    It's important that you get the help you think you need, especially if you can say to yourself that you need the help. If your parents won't help you (which they should) there are ways to get help yourself, even through something as simple as a counsellor at your school, or peer-to-peer counselling as on a site like this.

    Whatever you do, DON'T cut. You don't want to go down that road. It is a vicious cycle and it will only make you feel worse in the end. Cutting is very addictive, even if you think 'one won't hurt' there will always be that 'one more'. Don't do it hun.
    If you like to write poetry, then do that. Pour all your hurt into that, just don't cut.

    I am so sorry that no one has replied before now :hug: If you want to chat feel free to drop me a PM, I'm around a lot.

    xxx
     
  6. thepaper

    thepaper Member

    I'm here for you...
    I will share your pain...
     
  7. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    pisces- sorry i didn't get here sooner. i had problems of my own i'm dealing with. cutting is not good. i did it for years. and all i have are scars all over my arms. yes, it is an out at the moment. a reliever. but it is a problem in the long run. trust me. i have nerve damage in my right hand from cutting. i found tattoos when i got older. in a sick way it's the same. but, at least with tattoos, you can show artwork instead of scar tissue. you said earlier you are here if i needed to talk, the same goes for me. if you need to talk i'm here. i'm always on line unless i'm at work, or asleep. and sleep doesn't come very often. please be safe.
     
  8. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Okay...

    Heh, I'm new here, unsure of where to start, but hey.

    God I feel so stupid junior sometimes, like I don't know what I'm talking about, but I guess...

    I guess the thing for me is just to really have something. Something, or someone, to live for, or to die for. Just something to really keep you going; bring round your way of thinking, and eventually, you'll learn to look at the good side of things.

    Relax. Slow your breathing, stay calm. I get those stupid fits as well, I make myself feel like that. Sometimes I miss the feeling, of just totally losing control, want to die, want to bleed. But you can't push yourself too far, you'd get sucked in again.

    Just do everything slowly, but don't think. Let your train of thoughts run, but don't lose control of them. If they're brushing something that's making you feel bad, steer away. Just be calm, and then go read a book, or draw, or something. TV never works for me.

    Or look at the memories of the good times. Don't tell me you don't have any, they're there. Relax, and just remember. You should have something physical, or virtual, as the case may be. Just stuff, emails maybe, from friends, anything. Look at photographs of your younger self. Playing in the sun, making sandcastles on the beach. Don't compare yourself, thinking how crappy life is now or whatever. You're still the same you.

    And you got friends here. Great people, from what I've seen, and after you've calmed and everything, talk. Tell them how lousy you felt, but don't get sucked in. Just share, emotions, laugh together.

    Good luck, ok?


    Bleh... load of crap to me, but for anyone's benefit, or disappointment, I'll leave it there. Make up for the countless times I've written a decent something and then just deleted it. I'm sorry... Heh, kinda long to read as well... damn, whatever.
     
  9. pisces-music-girl

    pisces-music-girl Well-Known Member

    Thanks everyone. I'm feeling much better now, and next time when I start to feel out of control again I'll remember your things.

    Writing poetry normally works for me.