Mark Twain a Life biography of Samuel Clemens by Ron Powers is what I am reading right now. It is really very good. Some things that he wrote in letters and such: “If I do not get out of debt in 3 months,–pistols or poison for one—exit me.” “There is a text for a sermon on Self-Murder—Proceed.” In 1909 probably referring to this period he wrote “I put a pistol to my head but wasn’t man enough to pull the trigger. Many times I have been sorry I did not succeed, but I was never ashamed of having tried.” I think it's natural that many people have these feelings. But I have to say that I think my disposition is changing. I do not believe or have any expectations in the afterlife but am also considering suicide a viable option. The last time I really didn't want to die was probably my last deployment, but back in the states I can't say that anything really interests me anymore. I did put a gun to my head the other day, but more as goof I knew I wasn't going to do it because I was in my apartment, what a mess that would have made. I have thoughtfully considered the clean up if using my gun, I should get drunk and hike out somewhere in desert, I would like to see all those desert stars one last time. That said I have almost completely ruled out a gun and decided hanging is by far, by far the best option. I think it will be like dangling from a chin up bar and the rope should block arteries to the head which would put me out in probably 10 seconds anyway. If I knew then what I knew now I seem to say alot. I also think that I am probably going to catch myself off guard one day and do it. I am beginning to think that planning and overthinking are not realistic. Honestly I expect one day I'll just say ahh fuck it. Really if I could just manage expectations of me I'd be alot happier, but noone really knows me. They think I'm great, a hero, gonna be a big success. I could care less I actually aspire to be homeless now, which is happening anyway in the next 2 weeks I look forward to it. But it will be a big let down to everyone. The veteran homeless shelter won't even get back to me, hah join the club. Veterans preference my ass, been lookin for a job for 2 years. One interview. What's the point in taking out another credit card. I should just save the banks money and end this little game, its been good. I seen about all I care to see.