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reading and writing

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Mark Twain a Life biography of Samuel Clemens by Ron Powers is what I am reading right now. It is really very good. Some things that he wrote in letters and such: “If I do not get out of debt in 3 months,–pistols or poison for one—exit me.” “There is a text for a sermon on Self-Murder—Proceed.”

In 1909 probably referring to this period he wrote “I put a pistol to my head but wasn’t man enough to pull the trigger. Many times I have been sorry I did not succeed, but I was never ashamed of having tried.”

I think it's natural that many people have these feelings. But I have to say that I think my disposition is changing. I do not believe or have any expectations in the afterlife but am also considering suicide a viable option. The last time I really didn't want to die was probably my last deployment, but back in the states I can't say that anything really interests me anymore. I did put a gun to my head the other day, but more as goof I knew I wasn't going to do it because I was in my apartment, what a mess that would have made. I have thoughtfully considered the clean up if using my gun, I should get drunk and hike out somewhere in desert, I would like to see all those desert stars one last time. That said I have almost completely ruled out a gun and decided hanging is by far, by far the best option. I think it will be like dangling from a chin up bar and the rope should block arteries to the head which would put me out in probably 10 seconds anyway.

If I knew then what I knew now I seem to say alot. I also think that I am probably going to catch myself off guard one day and do it. I am beginning to think that planning and overthinking are not realistic. Honestly I expect one day I'll just say ahh fuck it.

Really if I could just manage expectations of me I'd be alot happier, but noone really knows me. They think I'm great, a hero, gonna be a big success. I could care less I actually aspire to be homeless now, which is happening anyway in the next 2 weeks I look forward to it. But it will be a big let down to everyone. The veteran homeless shelter won't even get back to me, hah join the club. Veterans preference my ass, been lookin for a job for 2 years. One interview. What's the point in taking out another credit card. I should just save the banks money and end this little game, its been good. I seen about all I care to see.
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total eclipse

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Staff Alumni
Im sorry veterans affairs are not being so helpful hun Dam they are suppose to care for the soldiers I hope they get back to you if not phone a thousand times until they do h un Can you not talk to someone in your community to see what is there for you I would call VA and get some therapy in place as well they are to give it to all who were deployed hugs to you


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Why do they think that you are “gonna be a big success”? What is a “big success” like or should be like? Who knows, maybe that’s not even what they really think? Honesty is definitely something our society is lack of nowadays…

You said “it will be a big let down to everyone”. Can you let them know the actual situation and see if anyone can help you out somehow? If you can also let someone close to you know how you actually feel, it may also be helpful. You don’t have to deal with the situation all alone you know...

“hero” or not, you are also a human being. Our projections of others' expectations are all just thoughts out of our conditioned mind, not the reality. The reality does not depend on our thoughts. If people around you cannot face the reality together with you, they are not worth your concern or friendship. You know it is possible that you can manage expectations of yourself and be happier. Please be easy on yourself…

This thread is entitled "reading and writing". Do you write as well?

What kind of law did you practice if I may ask? (I saw your other post mentioning “lawyer” as your work.)

Wish you well...
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