Reading this, may make you feel better about your situation.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Fightingforlife, Sep 3, 2011.

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  1. Okay, so I've read through a few of these posts, and I don't mean to belittle ANYONE'S suffering. Every person has their limits and every person's suffering is unique, BUT I think you guys may feel a little better about yourselves if you read my story, so pull up a chair and get comfy, this is a long one....

    A few years ago I was racing motocross, going to college, had recently started living with my girlfriend of 3 years and everything in life was good (I was 21 then, I'm 23 now). Well, I got injured on the bike AGAIN, and this time my pain became chronic. I started going from doctor to doctor trying to get to heal. I eventually healed my wrist and then tore a ligament in my thumb. That pain is still with me to this day, almost two years later. Over the past two years I also had a foot surgery, a severely sprained ankle and a few other things. I gained a bunch of weight and could no longer work out as I had before, yet I continued to work around the injuries in other areas of the body. Okay, sounds bad right? I'm just getting started.

    So, last february rolls up and I was having horrible heartburn for several weeks and prilosec wasn't getting the job done. I went to my doctor and was given a drug called REGLAN. This drug sent me into a dystonic reaction and my face and tongue were violently contracting on their own. I had it reversed, but some of the effects persisted including my tongue moving on its own and feelings of suicidal ideation. I was sent to a neurologist who prescribed a little drug called KLONOPIN. This stuff seemed like a miracle to me at first. It slowed my tongue movements down and sedated me. Eventually after several months I started weaning off. Once I came off though I was thrusted in to what I can only describe as, well the word hell doesn't really do it justice.

    I started crying uncontrollably, I was screaming, writhing on the floor, felt like my chest was going to explode, and was getting body jerks, shocks, ringing ears, vertigo, head pressure, I couldn't eat, I was vomiting, I could go on and on.... My girlfriend was freaking out and I had to have my mom come to help take care of me because I was totally non functional. Those were just the physical symptoms. The mental, well, let me tell you, I felt as if I had become completely insane, or retarded, or a combination of the two. I was unable to talk on the phone, watch tv, or do anything, it was mentally impossible. I had rolling panic attacks, fear, and anxiety beyond what I could ever conceptualize. Little did I know that these drug effects can last for far longer than any normal drug withdrawal.

    The chemical changes that took place in my brain from the down regulation of your nervous system create a constant state of hyper excitability when you come off, and puts you in a fight or flight response ALL THE TIME. The effects of this withdrawal syndrome in some people can persist for many many months and in some cases several YEARS (google benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome). I went to stay with my parents to recover and at 1.5 months off my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I am now 3.5 months off and my ears still ring, my vision is blurry, my depression and suicidal ideation are at an all time high, I can hardly walk down the block. My ex girlfriend will no longer speak to me. When we broke up I was incapable of having a conversation and I feel the most intense fear as if I'm going to die on a daily basis.

    I am living in a tiny apartment with my parents and have lost my job, my schooling is on hold, my girlfriend, my apartment, everything. I am so sick I can barely get out of bed. It is no way to live, inhumane suffering. I wish every day that I will go to sleep and never wake up. I have been fighting this for far too long. I want to just xxxx be done with it. I got screwed in this life... Even if I recover I still have chronic pain in my thumb, and also in my elbow. At the same time, I've seen how great life can be, how amazing I can feel, It makes me want to live to experience it again, but it also makes this final fall even harder, too hard to recover from. It's a horror story that I couldn't have even made up in my head, the perfect storm.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 5, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I wish you the best with everything. Hope you recover as much and as quickly as possible. My thoughts are with you...Mr. A

    P.S. Welcome to the forums. :)
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You write very concisely and articulately - you been through a lot and its a real battle you have had and are having.

    Bikes - crashed everyone I ever been on - but was lucky really - not a scratch.

    Well unlucky for crashing them.

    Even more unlucky for the owners!!

    But although you been through a lot - I got to say you could find a LOT worse mate - not to belittle you or denigrate your suffering - but for me - the physical pain is one thing - the depression the REAL issue.

    I know lots of people worse off - one girl who has to have her legs amputated soon - well - and a mate with cancer - he has two kids, wife left him but she is nice and visits still - although remarried. Another - just gone down for 20 years - aged 48 he is looking at - coming out aged 68. Another one - spent half his life in hospital - never had a women (49) because he has a multitude of physical problems - lost count of ops but its easily 40 something - and I mean he stays in for 6 months at a time!

    But he would never kill himself.

    As for me - I'm in good health NOW - but I'm 46 and was almost done for aged 36 with a back - maybe an operation was the only option - surgeon was willing to do it - sure - he got paid and it was not his back! And my knees. Also had a foot ran over by a car - damn it hurt - but its ok now - just clicks now and again - I can make it click but it annoys people.

    And - the back - from walking like an old man for a few months to no problem now - touch my toes no prob - and so on.

    Physical problems - sure - when in pain we need people and its hurtful if a women leaves you - but - best she did as it would have happened sometime - and you'd maybe live for years knowing you hated each other! It happens - one partner kind of accepts they are not loved - gradually - and off you go.

    But thankfully your parents are still here - its a small place but a home - right? or a shelter now your older - but still a home.

    Depression is the main thing - even if its the illness which causes the depression - like others here - we just have to make sure that we focus on the depression because when we can get on top of that - we do feel better about our outlook.


    Anyhow - you've taken a real hell of a beating - no mistake - but once depression is the issue - and suicide ideation - we are all in the same boat.

    I think I came here thinking everyone else was a tourist - like I had it REAL bad - but I realise now that we cannot measure that level of suffering - we cannot truly ever know what someone else feels inside - but I always accept that anyone who feels suicidal is feeling what must seem like the worse deal ever!

    But in life - there's always someone who sees our suffering as preferable to whatever plight some might have out there.

    Well - a man who does motocross - sounds like the man who be drinking with me in the USA when I visit - so get well - and who knows - we can hire some bikes and I bet I can beat you!


    Er - no way - even if I have medical insurance.

    Anyhow bro - bad as things are - they CAN get better.

    I take my hat off for your endurance.

    But the depression - you need help mate - and sometimes talking about it is the first step to actually being man or woman enough to admit that.

    hurts to say to yourself you cannot cope - and sure - you must feel lonely being young still - guess your a guy who would prefer a women - fast women, fast bikes - with me its cold women and warm beer. Or was!

    Good luck and regards.

    Welcome also mate.

    Its a good place here so hope you stick around.
  4. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    I hope you stick around too ...

    Pain is pain...there is a lot of it on this forum....and I hope everyone can find some comfort rather than giving up.

    take good care and hope you find support here
    it's a good place to be
  5. I wont pretend for a minute that I am coping, I'm not. I wish for death everyday, but I've started CBT therapy in hopes that it can help. I refuse taking any medications as that's what did this to me. I am way at the end of my rope, well past my limit. Those situations certainly are bad, the thing is with this, is the way it makes you feel is the most unbearable feeling in the world. I think of that movie 127 hours sometimes. I would gladly cut my arm off if it meant ending this suffering right now. It's preferable to dying, however we don't get that choice.

    I believe it is well beyond what clinical depression would be capable of ON ITS OWN, however if you come to the point of suicide I don't think it matters what level of depression it is, it's enough. When you endure it for long enough though and lose everything you get the real depression on top of the withdrawal induced depression. Again I know it's individual, and you can't know what your limit is and when you come to the point of suicide does it really matter at that point? The mental symptoms are significantly worse than the physical, and the depression is what will really get you in the most trouble. I really can't describe the feeling, how crushingly dark and horrible it is. It is beyond imagination what it does, all chemical, yet it takes real thoughts from your life and uses them as ammunition.

    I get periods where it enters partial remission, and it makes me think I'm getting better, only to slam me down with symptoms harder and faster than before, making me feel like I'm right back at the beginning.

    Thanks for the kind message, it helps to hear I'm not alone.
  6. meme333

    meme333 Well-Known Member

    the partial remission sounds rough and what I can relate to might start to have hope and that things could be better and you're shot back down.
    it's so rough and I hope that you will have more and more moments that are better....please hang in.
    I do hear you that it is awful all the time. It is dark, horribly dark,lonely and crushing...I get it.

    I'm so sorry....Glad you are here with us.
  7. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I know what it's like to deal with a chronic disease. My legs cramp, my fingers cramp up, my hips hurt, my spine, my neck, my jaws, migraines, constant muscle strains, neuropathy pain, tingling, prickling, pins & needles, twitching, muscle spasms, burning, muscle weakness, pelvic pain, constant urges to pea, bladder disease, kidney pain off and on, shortness of breath, lung pain sometimes, hay fever, bone pain, I have acid reflux really bad and I'm high risk for cancer, gastritis, bowel problems, chest pains. My congenitive issues have been like someone with alzhiemer's disease. The one thing that really kills me is constant severe fatigue. My marriage screwed up, I was put through mental/sexual abuse when we divorced, then I went through severe depressive disorder with suicidal attempts. I lost the respect of my kids over being sick, they left me for about a year, I lost my home, I haven't been able to work, or have any kind of life over the past 14 years. Most of my time is spent in bed. When I am in a flare it is impossible to get out of bed, and that is when I really get depressed. I have struggled with my doctors to no end trying to find out what was wrong. I had it labeled as fibromyalgia but I have mixed connective tissue disease and I might have MS. Still, only treatment I can get for MCTD is one medication, since I don't have a heart or lung disease. I don't get one single moment of the day where I feel normal anymore. I suffer, suffer, and suffer. It never stops. If I get my pain under control, the fatigue is still there making me feel dog sick. When I get down really sick, my family gives me hell for it. My daughter has yelled at me while I was in tears in pain and told me I was a worthless lazy piece of crap, that all I wanted to do is lay around in bed, and that my life was meaningless, she calls me the faker, says there isn't really anything wrong with me. My son has cussed me out over just mentioning the words I don't feel good. He said that armstrong guy survived cancer and went on to climb mount everest, what the hell was I waiting on, well his cancer was cured, my disease can't be cured. I just recently attempted suicide. It felt like everything I endured over the past 14 yrs piled up on me all at once. After you go years after years, it just makes it worse to deal with, I know exactly what you mean. I don't want to wake up everyday to never ending suffering either, and that has nothing to do with being depressed, it's just because my physical problems are just that bad. I've done it all this time because I wanted to be here for my kids, but sometimes, it feels like I am wanting the impossible. I don't know, don't have the first clue how to handle this. I start therapy wednesday too. I am really hoping they can teach me how to cope with it. So no, your not at all alone.

    I can understand how someone can get to the point of wanting to hurt themselves over the heartache of love, the emotional pain that comes with that can be pretty bad, but alot of things people talk about that can be changed, they want to give up over, I don't understand it as well. I wish I could change my disease but I have no control over it. Most problems have solutions, there really isn't one with me.. :(
  8. eagles_fan

    eagles_fan Well-Known Member

    Well, Fightingforlife, you are an articulate writer, if anything.

    To be honest, I've never felt any physical pain like that before and if you were to mentally overcome an obstacle like that, continue your CBT therapy, you'd be a huge inspiration for me and rest of us here.
  9. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Like youself and Cutiepie, I have a chronic (degenerative) disorder,and I am in constant of my best friends (he is a psychotherapist) recently challanged me to find some goodness in what has happened to me...I hated him at that moment, because he ripped my backside off the pity pot...I have found a few things, and I am looking for your girlfriend, many ppl I originally labeled 'friends' have been a huge disappointment to me, causing me such sadness...but I will like without them, and they have to answer for what they have done (or not done) is rough and I fully understand...J
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