Okay, so I've read through a few of these posts, and I don't mean to belittle ANYONE'S suffering. Every person has their limits and every person's suffering is unique, BUT I think you guys may feel a little better about yourselves if you read my story, so pull up a chair and get comfy, this is a long one....
A few years ago I was racing motocross, going to college, had recently started living with my girlfriend of 3 years and everything in life was good (I was 21 then, I'm 23 now). Well, I got injured on the bike AGAIN, and this time my pain became chronic. I started going from doctor to doctor trying to get to heal. I eventually healed my wrist and then tore a ligament in my thumb. That pain is still with me to this day, almost two years later. Over the past two years I also had a foot surgery, a severely sprained ankle and a few other things. I gained a bunch of weight and could no longer work out as I had before, yet I continued to work around the injuries in other areas of the body. Okay, sounds bad right? I'm just getting started.
So, last february rolls up and I was having horrible heartburn for several weeks and prilosec wasn't getting the job done. I went to my doctor and was given a drug called REGLAN. This drug sent me into a dystonic reaction and my face and tongue were violently contracting on their own. I had it reversed, but some of the effects persisted including my tongue moving on its own and feelings of suicidal ideation. I was sent to a neurologist who prescribed a little drug called KLONOPIN. This stuff seemed like a miracle to me at first. It slowed my tongue movements down and sedated me. Eventually after several months I started weaning off. Once I came off though I was thrusted in to what I can only describe as, well the word hell doesn't really do it justice.
I started crying uncontrollably, I was screaming, writhing on the floor, felt like my chest was going to explode, and was getting body jerks, shocks, ringing ears, vertigo, head pressure, I couldn't eat, I was vomiting, I could go on and on.... My girlfriend was freaking out and I had to have my mom come to help take care of me because I was totally non functional. Those were just the physical symptoms. The mental, well, let me tell you, I felt as if I had become completely insane, or retarded, or a combination of the two. I was unable to talk on the phone, watch tv, or do anything, it was mentally impossible. I had rolling panic attacks, fear, and anxiety beyond what I could ever conceptualize. Little did I know that these drug effects can last for far longer than any normal drug withdrawal.
The chemical changes that took place in my brain from the down regulation of your nervous system create a constant state of hyper excitability when you come off, and puts you in a fight or flight response ALL THE TIME. The effects of this withdrawal syndrome in some people can persist for many many months and in some cases several YEARS (google benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome). I went to stay with my parents to recover and at 1.5 months off my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I am now 3.5 months off and my ears still ring, my vision is blurry, my depression and suicidal ideation are at an all time high, I can hardly walk down the block. My ex girlfriend will no longer speak to me. When we broke up I was incapable of having a conversation and I feel the most intense fear as if I'm going to die on a daily basis.
I am living in a tiny apartment with my parents and have lost my job, my schooling is on hold, my girlfriend, my apartment, everything. I am so sick I can barely get out of bed. It is no way to live, inhumane suffering. I wish every day that I will go to sleep and never wake up. I have been fighting this for far too long. I want to just xxxx be done with it. I got screwed in this life... Even if I recover I still have chronic pain in my thumb, and also in my elbow. At the same time, I've seen how great life can be, how amazing I can feel, It makes me want to live to experience it again, but it also makes this final fall even harder, too hard to recover from. It's a horror story that I couldn't have even made up in my head, the perfect storm.
A few years ago I was racing motocross, going to college, had recently started living with my girlfriend of 3 years and everything in life was good (I was 21 then, I'm 23 now). Well, I got injured on the bike AGAIN, and this time my pain became chronic. I started going from doctor to doctor trying to get to heal. I eventually healed my wrist and then tore a ligament in my thumb. That pain is still with me to this day, almost two years later. Over the past two years I also had a foot surgery, a severely sprained ankle and a few other things. I gained a bunch of weight and could no longer work out as I had before, yet I continued to work around the injuries in other areas of the body. Okay, sounds bad right? I'm just getting started.
So, last february rolls up and I was having horrible heartburn for several weeks and prilosec wasn't getting the job done. I went to my doctor and was given a drug called REGLAN. This drug sent me into a dystonic reaction and my face and tongue were violently contracting on their own. I had it reversed, but some of the effects persisted including my tongue moving on its own and feelings of suicidal ideation. I was sent to a neurologist who prescribed a little drug called KLONOPIN. This stuff seemed like a miracle to me at first. It slowed my tongue movements down and sedated me. Eventually after several months I started weaning off. Once I came off though I was thrusted in to what I can only describe as, well the word hell doesn't really do it justice.
I started crying uncontrollably, I was screaming, writhing on the floor, felt like my chest was going to explode, and was getting body jerks, shocks, ringing ears, vertigo, head pressure, I couldn't eat, I was vomiting, I could go on and on.... My girlfriend was freaking out and I had to have my mom come to help take care of me because I was totally non functional. Those were just the physical symptoms. The mental, well, let me tell you, I felt as if I had become completely insane, or retarded, or a combination of the two. I was unable to talk on the phone, watch tv, or do anything, it was mentally impossible. I had rolling panic attacks, fear, and anxiety beyond what I could ever conceptualize. Little did I know that these drug effects can last for far longer than any normal drug withdrawal.
The chemical changes that took place in my brain from the down regulation of your nervous system create a constant state of hyper excitability when you come off, and puts you in a fight or flight response ALL THE TIME. The effects of this withdrawal syndrome in some people can persist for many many months and in some cases several YEARS (google benzodiazepine withdrawal syndrome). I went to stay with my parents to recover and at 1.5 months off my girlfriend of 5 years left me. I am now 3.5 months off and my ears still ring, my vision is blurry, my depression and suicidal ideation are at an all time high, I can hardly walk down the block. My ex girlfriend will no longer speak to me. When we broke up I was incapable of having a conversation and I feel the most intense fear as if I'm going to die on a daily basis.
I am living in a tiny apartment with my parents and have lost my job, my schooling is on hold, my girlfriend, my apartment, everything. I am so sick I can barely get out of bed. It is no way to live, inhumane suffering. I wish every day that I will go to sleep and never wake up. I have been fighting this for far too long. I want to just xxxx be done with it. I got screwed in this life... Even if I recover I still have chronic pain in my thumb, and also in my elbow. At the same time, I've seen how great life can be, how amazing I can feel, It makes me want to live to experience it again, but it also makes this final fall even harder, too hard to recover from. It's a horror story that I couldn't have even made up in my head, the perfect storm.
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