Ready to cut and run

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by pgbeckwith, Oct 14, 2011.

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  1. pgbeckwith

    pgbeckwith New Member

    This feeling isn't something that's foreign to me, I've been here too many times before. Growing up I was always teased, picked on, bullied, for no reason other than being different. When I was 13, one of my best friends started a rumor that I was gay. For all of 8th grade I was beat up, had money stolen, homework stolen, punched, and beaten by people I had never seen before as I walked in the hallway. I lost most all of my friends, cried myself to sleep every night, and if it weren't for my extremely religious upbringing (faith can be a powerful thing) probably would've ended it right then and there.

    High school was pretty much the same. I ate lunch alone, beat up, lunch and homework stolen. Kids can really be awful, and I constantly had to pay the price for someone else to fit in. Despite all this, I was in the top 10 of a class of 500, ended up graduating from an elite high school that only accepts the best the state has to offer, was captain of my sports team which won a state championship with me at the helm. I somehow managed to snag a girlfriend, and by the time I left high school, things were looking up for the first time since my abysmal experience in middle school. Looking forward, I was excited to get a huge scholarship to a great college, had a car, and a job for the summer.

    I was certain that going to a technical college, filled with the typical socially-deformed students (like myself), that I would fit in and things would take off. Wrong. Kids on my floor didn't ask me to eat with them, I sat in class and the dining hall alone, and the bullying continued. Honestly, I'm not sure what was so off-putting about me. I was different, I knew that. I'm quiet, reserved, and going into college I was turned by the party scene. I don't know why, but watching people get drunk, high, and stoned really bothered me. I'm not sure if being so quiet and not liking the stereotypical college lifestyle was what made me such an outcast, but it's definitely my guess. Despite all this, I graduated with my bachelors in only 3 years, and was an accomplished athlete, helping my team accomplish something that the school program had yet to do.

    It was during my sophomore year in school when the downward spiral really started. My girlfriend cheated on me after being together for 2 years, lied to me about it (and lots of other stuff), refused had sex with me, then dumped me for another guy. The first thing I heard about her after this just a few months later, was that she was volunteering as a sex councilor at her college. That certainly made me feel awesome. While all this happened, I lost 2 grandparents, 1 family friend/long time mentor, continually got ditched by my friends, a good friend of mine was hit and killed by a car while running, and my roommates started stealing my things and keeping me up all hours of the night. I spent a lot of time miserable, alone, and angry. I tried talking to the few friends I did have, and most of the time the conversations would end up with them yelling at me, saying that my depression was bringing them down. An administrator threatened to take me out of school if I didn't get medical attention after hurting myself, and telling a friend that I was thinking of suicide. There, I said it. I wanted to kill myself.

    Therapy was awful. I cycled through quite a few different therapists for quite a long time (well through college). Going made me incredibly anxious, some of the therapists said things that made me feel worse about myself, and when I left I felt angry because all it was accomplishing was trying to put a positive spin on an inherently crappy situation. Nothing really changed, they got me to join a fraternity, as well as a handful of other groups on campus to try to get out there more, but it proved to be unsuccessful, I still spent my days, nights, and weekends alone, miserable, and angry. Still, I made a pact with myself that I would give myself a few years before revisiting the idea of suicide.

    I tried grad school for a year, but quickly became agoraphobic. Scared to leave my apartment, I failed all my classes and got kicked out. I managed to find a job at a local company, and have been there for 4 years. Even though I'm one of the hardest working people you will ever come across, nobody at work respects me, they never listen, and I will often be given the crappy/stressful jobs because I'm so easy going and don't let it show that it effects me.

    I've been single since my "high school sweetheart", still a virgin, though not for my lack of effort. I chased a few girls in college, the one girl who I mustered up the courage to tell I liked never talked to me again after that. I've joined a total of 6 dating sites, and have been extremely active in 3 of them for over 2 years. My best friend, who happens to be a girl, even helped me pick out my pictures and gave me a seal of approval on my profile. Still, after probably hundreds of emails, I've only gotten a handful of responses, and no dates. It's been a huge blow to my self esteem, something which wasn't anything to write home about to start. I started to give up on the whole online dating thing when I started realizing how much I cared for my best friend, who I was certain liked me back. When I was figuring out a way to tell her how I felt, I found out that she and one of my other best friends had started seeing each other behind my back.

    Now, I'm not someone who's ever had a lot of friends. I'm quiet, very introverted, and have been fine with having only a handful of friends. New jobs, new moves, and marriages have really cut my number of friends to 2: the two that happened to start seeing each other, one of whom I was trying to figure out how to tell her that I love her. Yes, love her. Now I really only have two options. I can hang out with them individually, or as a couple, both situations have caused me to break down crying in public places because it's so difficult for me. Or, I go out alone, and get drunk, alone. Neither option is terribly appealing, but there is honestly really not another option.

    Depression runs in my family, and it's something I'm very proactive about. Even though I've stopped seeing a therapist, I'm on enough anti-depressants to sedate a horse, I exercise all the time because it's supposed to held, and even if I go out by myself, I try to surround myself with people.

    Why mention all this? Well, work sucks. It really does. I'm mentally preparing myself to be chewed tomorrow for not having a project completed. A project that I'm not even heading, mind you, and one that I've tried to move forward on a few times just to have the very boss that's going to chew me out put a hold on it for one reason or another. Despite all that I've accomplished, my parents still talk to me, and about me, like I'm this huge disappointment. With all my failures with women, I'm forced to come to grips with the fact that there's something physically or emotionally disgusting about me since there isn't a single female on this planet that will reciprocate the feelings I may have for her. I've tried to talk to my friends about all this, but it's the same old story, they end up physically yelling at me because my being depressed is bringing them down. All the things that are supposed to make my life worth living: my job, my family, and my friends have all started turning on me. There's little worth holding onto at this point. I've started hurting myself again. I'm pretty sure I have broken bones in both my hands from beating the crap out of myself and the things around me. I put two holes in my bedroom walls, a dent in a 1.5" thick hardwood door, my front door doesn't close anymore after head butting and punching it so hard, and I have about 25 large self inflicted cuts on my chest and stomach. All of this from this past weekend.

    I'm not sure what more I can do to try to turn this around. I've thought about committing myself so I can't hurt myself anymore, but don't see the value in rehabilitating myself to re-enter a world that refuses to accept me for who I am. I don't know who, or where else to turn. I can't keep doing this to myself, I'm like a shell of a person, and I'm sick of going through life with my guard always up, having come to expect the things I care about will always find a way to screw me over.

    It's been more than a few years since I made the pact with myself. I'm finding it harder and harder to come up with reasons why I should continue on like this.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...from what you have written, you have had it so difficult, but it also seems you are very insightful about yourself and others...maybe trying therapy again, especially now that you are older, would be helpful...I have been in treatment for many many years, and I know, it has taken me a long while to disclose many things about myself and make the experience more useful...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing...welcome again, J
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