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Ready to die now; my way of saying DONE

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It seems a little played out to say that “I want to die,” so instead I will say, “I no longer want to live this life.” At this point, I am consumed by the feeling of wanting to die, but because my life feels wrong. I am incapable of living the life that I have longed for, or being the person that I strive to be. In many respects I live my life half-assed, not out of choice or laziness, but due to long history of struggling to cope. This has resulted in me having an extremely hard time holding a job. In fact, I have received my final warning from my manager. My last boss simply fired me. On this road to getting fired, my boss said that I had hit critical mass. He then explained to me that there is a difference between trying and performing. I can honestly say that I tried my entire life, but I have never been able to perform. I have an extremely tenuous relationship with my mother, and none with my family. Overall, I am incapable of holding onto anyone.

I am now ashamed of the person that I have become, and only now viewing my past through a rear view mirror, can I see what I could have done differently. My past is not nearly as tragic as some, but detrimental none the less. My past would be meaningless, if it did not result in the person that I am today. My father tried to kill me when I was little, then made us homeless; grew up with a mother who was fraught with insecurities (generally the same feelings that I hold today), constant moving, and no friends. Not all that much…I guess. I am consumed by insecurities, completely devoid of confidence, absence of motivation, lack of social skills. I am not writing this as a plea for help, since I have never really received any - with the exception of from my mom. Instead, I am looking for perspective on a shitty dynamic. My feelings are consistent with the feelings that I had 8 years ago; I use my past as a reference point to see how my life is today. I am now incapable of recognizing small improvements, as they are fleeting. My mom’s life doesn’t make me hopeful either. I feel that I have done everything that I can to possibly change the situation. I had a difficult time talking to people, so I made a conscious effort to talk to at a minimum of 3 people a day, got a sales job, joined a lacrosse team, and took acting classes. I have done therapy for a number of years, and consumed and choked down a variety of prescribed cocktails. I skydive, rock climb, practice martial arts, travel, joined club teams ect. in efforts to find people who will give a shit. But the reality is, they don’t. I end up doing everything by myself. Truthfully, I don’t blame them. I can understand why people would not want to have me in there life, as I no longer want to live my own.
My insecurities are pervasive. I never seem to stack up to people. I am not that intelligent, since I never applied myself in my formulative years (my own choice, but regrettable). I am incapable of getting close to people. I don’t have a problem anymore talking to people, and having most people initially like me. Then something within me changes, and I start acting like a completely different person (despite how hard I try) which inevitably leads to everyone abandoning me. I now generally do everything by myself (which gets lonely and tiresome). I feel alone even when I am not. I spend most birthdays alone. I have no-one to talk to, besides people that require me to pay. My family abandoning me doesn’t help either. I now break down over just about everything. I’m weak/pathetic - I know. Hence why I am willing to give up an let go shortly. Some people can cope, but I can’t. I have hit a breaking point. I hate who I am and now know that these are things that I cannot change.

Trust me, I have considered just about every repercussion/possibility of my impending action. The undeniable profound selfishness in how it will most likely be detrimental to my mother and possibly others. I would destroy her, which tends to be the case with most people. However, I have been struggling with these issues for 13 years, and 3 of which I have lived for other people. This is the point where I can no longer do that. Religion: the prospect of hell and whatnot scares me. However, I find it hard to believe if there was an entity so powerful, loving and omniscient, that it would favor others and callously as we destroy ourselves. Yet, I have no desire to debate religion and will probably off myself that much sooner if tells me that god has a purpose. I was religious at one point; not so much anymore...
My life would essentially amount to nothing; a prospect which only caries meaning while you are alive. I would be depriving myself of POSSIBLE great experiences, which I have yet to see. I don’t know of any experience that can make the way that I feel today and will feel tomorrow worth it. None of it matters when you are dead, all the pain, hopes, dreams, unrequited love is non-existent. In the past I always tried to be a good person, now I just don’t care. I can’t do anything with any level of sincerity. I am no different than my father. Except for the fact that I don’t have a gun and I’m not a pyro.

I watch other people live their own lives which taunts me as my life remains stagnant. I have nothing to hold onto, and I will not settle for a life that I never wanted. I have never attempted suicide (close though), because I would never attempt – I would not fail. I am weak and pathetic and can't take any more.

I know that I wrote too much, but it’s difficult to put a life onto paper. I don’t really expect anyone to read this either.

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
Hi hun i can say you are not alone here now hun you can talk to any of us I am sorry you feel so alone in this battle hun i do hope you continue to post here reach out and get to meet new friends here okay hugs


Staff Alumni
I understand that it's frustrating for you since you feel like you have tried everything. I myself have tried martial arts too.. and I do find myself living for others at times. I don't feel normal at all. I guess, in a few ways, I can really relate.. but to be honest I can't imagine what you or others are going through, but I know you are in pain. And I'm sorry to hear that. But regardless, I am glad I took the time to read your post and get to know you better. Welcome to the forums, and take care....Alex
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