Ready to Die

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Jreed, Mar 8, 2014.

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  1. Jreed

    Jreed Member

    So, yes, this is another suicide post. typical. But, I don't know what to say to anyone or what to do anymore. I swear, no-one seems to care about me or my situation, and the only person who would care if I was gone tomorrow is my mother and my uncle. That's it. And I'm done caring about them.

    I know suicide is selfish. It's a selfish act, but I just don't care anymore. You see, I'm alot like other people here on this forum. I've been depressed from an early age, since I was about 16 is when I was really depressed. I am 21 now. About 2 years ago is when I decided and have thoughts about killing myself. I have confided to a person who was a close friend at the time who was one of those college youth ministers for a christian group called Cru, and I have tried to get for my depression since then. I have been to groups, talk to people, physciatrist and therapists, and even got myself admitted to a psych ward in my city, and that didn't help, the psych ward. I know some places are good for people, but that place was awful. There were tales and rumors about alot of malpractices going on there.

    Anyways, I have tried exhaustingly to get help for myself. Tried. I am done trying. I'm done. You see, my depression steams from one big major problem that has been a source for all my negative feelings, and this my incomptenece. Everytime I seem to make a new friend, or meet some a new girl, they seem to shun me or not talk to me anymore because I believe I fucked up in the relationship. I fucked up. I have really fucked up a couple of relationships that I've had with people. And that's not due to my "illness" or anything, that's due to me. And, I never get to see or know why I'm turning people against me. I think I bother people constantly without knowing it. I have no friends, and no relations or grilfriends. I have friends at college, but I never get to do anything with them outside of class even though I invite them.

    I must be so desperate. All I really want, is a friend. That's it. I think I'm just too angry and bitter to be friends with anyone though.

    I'm just tired. I'm so tired. My name is Jarred, I'm 21. And even though I know that's a young age, and people have lived way longer than me that are depressed, I am ready to die.
  2. mark b

    mark b Well-Known Member

    Hi jarred, thanks for posting.

    You are very clear in what you say and i totally understand.

    Friends are something some people think they have lots of, others would like lots of.

    Reality is you only need one true friend, the rest will be people you know.

    Im lucky to have two true friends. And when my bottomless pit opened up a few months back i soon discovered how many others were just people i knew.

    So now you are here, there will be all of us to befrind you and support you until you do meet your own true friend.
  3. GoodbyeDeath

    GoodbyeDeath Member

    Find stuff you enjoy doing and do it. thats the only thing that is keeping me from offing myself. you got a dream? reach for it.
  4. Birdyy

    Birdyy Member

    I feel the same way. It seems impossible to make and keep real friends, no matter how caring and nice I think I am. I can't remember what it feels like to have friends. I just know it really hurts whenever I'm by myself and everyone is having such a good time together around school.
  5. Toobler

    Toobler Member

    Hey Jarred. If it helps, I am angry and bitter almost all of the time. Wanna hang out and be cynical about shit all the time with me? No kidding, I'm looking for friends too. Being angry and bitter is kind of my thing, it kind of keeps me going all the time (in a strange kind of way). Get in touch?

    Take care dude (seriously).

    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 8, 2014
  6. Jreed

    Jreed Member

    Hey guys, thanks for the messages. I read each one. I would like to respond to each one individually, but I'm abit lazy so I'm juts going to make a general post.

    What I really despise most about having to go through life and myself is that keeping in contact with people and trying to be friendly is hard. I try to be a good person, and be helpful, but all it seems like I do is when someone does get close to me I turn them off somehow and I don't know what I'm doing. Alot of things I experience would be so much better if I didn't live in this crappy little town that I'm in, or had some good decent people to talk too.

    You say that, and I understand what you mean but anyone can do that. Listen, I am right now in college trying to get my pre-med degree. Ever since I wa sin highschool I thought I would try to be a nurse and work a hospital to help other people, but I don't even know how I can help myself. Right now, some of the classes I'm taking are REALLY hard and it's frustrating. I feel like I'm going nowhere. And it seems like tor each my dreams, I have to go through alot of shit just so I can barely even scratch the surface of it. Good thing I'm a smart person and can make A's and B's, but damn do I get tired of waiting for my "dreams" to come true.
  7. Jreed

    Jreed Member

    Thank you Toobler. I'll have to get back to you. I do appreciate it.
  8. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Jreed,

    I agree with Toobler where sometimes your anger and turmoil gets you through the day. It's hard to face depression alone but keep posting here your thoughts. Seeing others happy makes it harder and especially when your thinking will I ever be happy. It's takes time and that's the most frustrating thing about. I wish sometimes they could invent a happy pill but perhaps one day. All I can say please take care. Respect
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