hey... don't really know where to begin....but, my birthday is on the 24th, and i turn 21...and i've made up my mind that i'm going to do it at midnight as soon as it ticks over to the 24th. I'm a vegan...I give to charity...I look at the world and I see how dark and futile everything has become. I found out that to get Soy, rainforests are destroyed. People starve in the streets and more people care about their cars and their money. People discriminate and hate one another, they war-monger and stir up feelings of anger against other people in the world so we can attack them. Every where I go, I see right through the bullshit and see that profit and greed and self-interest seems to be at the heart of everything. The world is flawed. It could have been an eden, and its become so much worse. From the empty void, we appear...we come into existence for no reason at all...given a rational mind and told to fend for ourselves and live and do something here until we die, and then we return to the void. Like smith said in the matrix, we're all desperately trying to justify an existence that is entirely without meaning or purpose. Anything I do in the world, any experience I get, any work I do...will be forgotten, will be lost... Life is waiting...it takes patience to sit through it all. One long book being read to you. Outside of that, no book at all. Would I miss it? I wouldn't know anything about a book if I didn't exist. Its a temporary rest stop between the void, and I don't see why we're being teased with it. I think that maybe when I go, the world will go with me...I won't exist, and this place won't either. Maybe its that much of an illusion. Maybe to make things interesting, we're given a vacation from nothingness on this planet. Given the feelings of sadness to know joy, cold to know warmth, and etc. I don't want a vacation. I don't need to dance about and suffer the bullshit of this place. I want to skip the pretense and get it over with. We all die, we all disappear with a snap, and its final. Being happy, being sad...doesn't matter. Just perceptions. Distracting myself from death doesn't eliminate it. No one is immortal, nothing will make us immortal. I don't want an afterlife. I don't want to keep living and feeling and being. I don't want to see relatives on a cloud or be tortured in a pit, or reincarnate as a goat or as another human being with no memories. I don't want to fly off to some alien planet or hover around damp houses as a ghost. I just want complete, utter, nothingness. I'm sick of life. It has no purpose. I have 20 days left.