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Ready to do it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by 2549, Nov 4, 2007.

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  1. 2549

    2549 Member


    don't really know where to begin....but, my birthday is on the 24th, and i turn 21...and i've made up my mind that i'm going to do it at midnight as soon as it ticks over to the 24th.

    I'm a vegan...I give to charity...I look at the world and I see how dark and futile everything has become. I found out that to get Soy, rainforests are destroyed. People starve in the streets and more people care about their cars and their money. People discriminate and hate one another, they war-monger and stir up feelings of anger against other people in the world so we can attack them. Every where I go, I see right through the bullshit and see that profit and greed and self-interest seems to be at the heart of everything. The world is flawed. It could have been an eden, and its become so much worse.

    From the empty void, we appear...we come into existence for no reason at all...given a rational mind and told to fend for ourselves and live and do something here until we die, and then we return to the void. Like smith said in the matrix, we're all desperately trying to justify an existence that is entirely without meaning or purpose. Anything I do in the world, any experience I get, any work I do...will be forgotten, will be lost...

    Life is waiting...it takes patience to sit through it all. One long book being read to you. Outside of that, no book at all. Would I miss it? I wouldn't know anything about a book if I didn't exist. Its a temporary rest stop between the void, and I don't see why we're being teased with it.

    I think that maybe when I go, the world will go with me...I won't exist, and this place won't either. Maybe its that much of an illusion. Maybe to make things interesting, we're given a vacation from nothingness on this planet. Given the feelings of sadness to know joy, cold to know warmth, and etc. I don't want a vacation. I don't need to dance about and suffer the bullshit of this place. I want to skip the pretense and get it over with. We all die, we all disappear with a snap, and its final. Being happy, being sad...doesn't matter. Just perceptions. Distracting myself from death doesn't eliminate it. No one is immortal, nothing will make us immortal.

    I don't want an afterlife. I don't want to keep living and feeling and being. I don't want to see relatives on a cloud or be tortured in a pit, or reincarnate as a goat or as another human being with no memories. I don't want to fly off to some alien planet or hover around damp houses as a ghost. I just want complete, utter, nothingness. I'm sick of life. It has no purpose.

    I have 20 days left.
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    If you are not happy with the world the way it is, do something to change it. Killing yourself changes nothing about the things that are bothering you. There are good people in this world as well as the bad ones. Don't let them go unnoticed by you. You have the power within you to make a difference. Don't let that go to waste.
  3. Chickpea

    Chickpea Well-Known Member


    I can relate SO much to what you wrote that I had to reply. You are not alone. I agree with a lot of what you said... I guess this is just a small point but the rainforests are destroyed for soy not because humans eat too much of it, but because that is a big part of what they feed cows. I was shocked when I first heard about the soy thing too! But don't worry about avoiding eating it, because it is the cattle feed that is the problem really. (I'm a vegan too).

    I think you are a very caring and perceptive person, your post was intelligent too. I have always thought that is is these types of caring people who are more likely to be suicidal.... but.... they are also the ones who have the insight to really change the world for the better. I know it barely seems to matter if you view existence as pretty meaningless... but you could use that insight and that energy to make positive changes to the problems you know about.

    We do all die. I know I might make the decision to go before my "natural" time, but hang on as long as you can. That death will come to you one day, and you'll get what you want. But taking it early is going to hurt others.

    I don't know if that made any sense. I hope that you decide to live :hug:

    Take care!
  4. 2549

    2549 Member

    Thanks for the kind words, Chickpea, but I can't change the world. History repeats itself in an endless cycle. One day I'll get my release, if I wait...and if I think that anything I do in the meantime counts, I'm just fooling myself. Its a delusion. I don't see how it matters between dying now and dying later, except that people close to me will mourn. I've wanted to die for a while now, and the only people who are close to me now are my parents. They might be upset but its necessary. I'll leave a note and explain that it wasn't their fault. They probably won't understand.

    I pray that I'll get killed by accident, or hit by a bus or something similar, so that I'm gone and it wasn't anything to do with my actions. They'd be upset, but they wouldn't think it was something against them.

    Someone asked me the other day what I enjoy when I was laying out my plan, and I told him that I didn't enjoy anything anymore. How could I, when the world is a lie? It isn't exactly true; music is the only thing that I would miss, if I was allowed to remember anything of this place. It can be so powerful and overwhelming, that it distracts me from death. But when the music stops and the silence takes over, I realize where I am.

    Why am I even alive? Why was I given this body, put here on this rock, and cursed to know such wonderful things, just to lose them forever? Why know it at all? I don't want to see or hear anything more wonderful than what I've already seen and heard, because it just makes it all the more unbearable to die. If I could have some assurance that I wouldn't wake up in another world when I pulled the trigger, I'd do it, honestly, right this second. I just don't want to wake up trapped in some other place, left to live forever. I hate being alive. I hate it. I hate it!

    ....I talked about music earlier...here is what I'm listening to right now. Its a Canadian Band: http://www.muchmusic.com/music/firstspin/neverendingwhitelights/

    I just want to share this with you, because you've been so kind. But it's too late. I am going to die...but I'm glad you won't have to see it, at least.
  5. 2549

    2549 Member

    it's been a day or so....right now as I type this I feel like I'm going to throw up.

    I asked around town about guns and about tall buildings with observation decks I could use...the usual kind of thing. Suicide is taboo, its uncertain, its in our hands....in my hands...I thought. I had a shit day..it was freezing rain...I failed a lot of tests...the bus driver wouldn't pick me up, I had to walk home in the rain....everything that could screw up did. I said to myself....fuck it... and then I searched the internet and found a guide on how to kill yourself in every possible way, from the simplest things I had never even thought of to the most painful self-immolation techniques. The whole thing was written by a suicide cult I believe....and its just amazing......I felt, anyway. I read it and started to realize that this wasn't just someone being hopeful, but that these methods actually worked, and they witnessed it. They talked about successful suicide pacts and how to make it look like an accident, or where to put a gun, and what ammo types....and god knows what else.

    You might think I'm endorsing it, but after reading it...I honestly feel sick to my stomach....its so well planned, it could be in a medical journal....written by ER staff or police or something..and it really shocked and scared me. I can't do it....I'm that much of a coward...that..it makes me sick. Its like seeing death first hand and I just want to throw up...its all I can do to keep the contents of my stomach down right now....

    I'm scared....I'm so scared.....and I can't kill myself, and I can't talk about it...and I just feel so tormented and I don't know what to do....the things they talked about....even down to how to best write a note or how to hang yourself, and the knot types and how many feet off the ground and......you get the picture.

    I'm a coward, and I'm afraid, and I wish I had a choice of coming here and being human...I would have turned it down if I only knew...and now, I'm too afraid to get out......i'm so fucked up....why was I cursed to ever live in the first place.....???
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 6, 2007
  6. simonl

    simonl Member

    i recently searched and found that too. you know that they have published books sold on Amazon about suicide? it's amazing, really.

    can i ask, are you getting therapy or taking meds? if you've been scared away from suicide, good for you. but at least try to balance yourself now with medication and talk therapy (after you get your meds set).

    good luck, please write again.
  7. 2549

    2549 Member

    i feel too afraid to kill myself now....but I think that the problems are still there...I'm depressed, and I'm afraid to end it...but I still suffer...and I feel conflicted about what to do...I'm so.....fucked up....

    the guide talks about how to get back into that mindset....I might just follow it and then do it after all....but maybe.....I can't.....ugh....i feel so weak again..

    I dont' want to take meds, or drugs, or any of that....it's something in me that I have to fight on my own...no one else is me..no one else can understand me...I don't know what to do...but i dont want to touch meds or see a shrink....god my family would go nuts if they knew what i had planned.....
  8. simonl

    simonl Member

    you need to understand that there is something physically wrong with your brain. you can't help it and you cannot fight something like that on your own. you have to accept it before anything can get better. don't sell yourself short of even the medication.
  9. Metallica*Melinda

    Metallica*Melinda Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry things are going so shitty for you. I hope you dont kill yourself...
    P.s. I've also seen the page too, I find it amazing that someone would know all those ways...
  10. 2549

    2549 Member

    i dont believe it....if my brain is physically fucked up, then my memories, my thoughts, everything that makes me who I am is totally excusable....thats too easy to say that its just some disease I caught....no...I'm intelligent...I've come to these conclusions...I've thought about the world and torn it to pieces....I'm tormented by everything I know...and I'm tormented by my feelings...reading the guide makes me sick, but its probably the right thing to do. I just have to work up the courage.
  11. simonl

    simonl Member

    well, if you want to lie to yourself and be too hard on yourself, then that's on you. if i were you and seriously thinking of taking my own life, i would at least want to be honest with myself, based on scientific fact. how do you know if it's true if you haven't tried it, at least for a little while?
  12. 2549

    2549 Member

    no pills...no drugs....the world is the illusion...you don't know me..you don't know what I think about...you think that problems can be solved by tiny little pills...I think it just dulls me into not thinking about it...or forcing me to be happy and blissfully ignorant. No drugs.....I'd rather die....whatever semblance of perception I have left, I want it sharp and focused...nothing that blurs the lines of my reality or screws up my thinking...you can't understand..
  13. Abby Rose

    Abby Rose Well-Known Member

    You might be right that after you die their will be only nothingness, and you are defiantly right in that death is an inevitable. You seem like a caring individual who is aware of others suffering, but even though the world might be a terrible place at times; it doesn't mean that life has no purpose. While you’re alive you can give your life some purpose. You might not be able to make the world perfect, but you can make an impact into not only your life, but others as well.
  14. simonl

    simonl Member

    follow me with this simple analogy.

    your brain is a car engine.

    normally, everyone wants theirs to run smoothly, all movable parts, all working in perfect harmony.

    you were born with an engine that was built a little incorrectly. your engine doesn't know it's missing a few parts b/c it's still running as it knows it should.

    but it doesn't function as well as some of the other engines on the road.

    in order for it to function normally (aka what you call "sharp and focused"), your engine needs parts consistently added to it to work just as well as the other engines on the road.

    if you don't want to try and fix the engine, then it's because you still can't admit that you cannot be in control sometimes when your engine is the one doing the work and it's also the same thing that's partially broken.
  15. media

    media Member

    I can relate to most of what you have shared. Well, before you changed your mind thinking you were too freaked out to do it. I know that you still don't want to be alive though, just can't fathom following through with the action. It's a veritable nightmare, the state you are in. I'm in it too. Thinking of February, an anniversary suicide date of my first boyfriend who commited suicide. Tried and failed last February. Try and try again. I am personally in so much psychic agony that i truely can think of nothing else but getting my things in order and figuring out the how, and where of it... I deeply loath psychiatry and meds aswell.
  16. alexander

    alexander Active Member

    interesting original post 2549, I feel exactly the same, I just checked my 'sent emails' folder and found an email I sent to a support group 3 weeks ago when I was feeling very down, thought it might be worth quoting here,

    Thats the first time I've put those kind of thoughts on a public forum, I feel a little bit better atm but the thought of suicide still lingers.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2007
  17. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    didn't have time to read all your rants, but I have an idea.

    Dude~ you're like my age!(22) you're only 21!
    and you're worried about world peace and rain forests.. wow.. just sitting at your computer, worried as hell.
    You might want to major in philosophy.

    What you're worried about is totally meaningless. NO, it's just silly. Silly, that's it. Besides it's not like you're doing something about it.

    Just live your own life! Don't waste your time worrying about the corruption in our society or the nature of human beings.

    profit? self-interest? greed? Believe me, it's in every one of us.
    Corruption in society? it's always been that way, for centuries.. even in 18th century, there were astrocities. Big deal.

    there's always loophole.

    We don't get to see what's going on 'behind the scene' in reality.
    like.. if you knew exactly how sausages are made, you wouldn't eat them.
    That's just the way it is. Life is not fair, everyone has a different level of success. That's just the way it is. Do you have to question it to death? Probably not.

    Some things are better left unsaid.

    Anyway.. just live your life. Live for yourself.
  18. BOLIAO

    BOLIAO Guest


    I found the same info that you got from the net. i feel exactly the same way like you except that I wasn't afraid of suicide but the impact on my loved ones. Whats worse is that I'm 35 already and cannot resolve my problems cos I see no way out. In time, maybe god will find a way for all of us if we wait patiently enough. I begged n begged God to help me but still nothing happenned....perhaps not yet. Today we cannot see tomorrow neither the future and based on my past experiences, I became fearful and lost all confidence in myself. But I'll try hanging on to see what the future will unfold for me. Last week I was so desperate to die until i wrote my suicide note and even told my loved ones how much i loved them. But this week I felt a bit different. Suicidal thoughts do come but still feel hopeless but also deep inside, i feel maybe there is just a tiny bit of hope and that made me feel much better.
  19. media

    media Member

    What is the hope? Hope that the feelings will go away? How will the feelings go away?
  20. 2549

    2549 Member

    A number of things....I feel the same as Media, and I'm against taking meds. I agree with all of what Alexander said. For saeyoon Chung, what to say except....some people prefer ignorance. It's easy not to think, to label problems in our world as meaningless. History repeats itself and I hate civilization for doing it, it doesn't excuse our present actions. I know how sausages are made, which is why I don't eat them. To say that some things are better left unsaid is to wander the world blind. I do study philosophy.

    I wrote about how scared I was the other day...confided my feelings here, and perhaps I should have waited. I was freaked out about it, yes. But I'm coming to terms with it. It doesn't scare me anymore. Live a day in this world and you get jaded pretty quick. If putting a gun against my eye-socket or severing an artery is the worst thing that can happen to me, thats something I can handle. I'm calm about it now. I've thought about it.

    We enter the world from nothing, we return to nothing. We strive and struggle and are ruled by desires. Socrates said that the body was a cage for the mind, and eastern philosophies stress the importance of the mind to the point of neglecting the body. Most stress non-attachment from the physical world. Sometimes its viewed that the world is a grand illusion. What do I think? I think if hell exists, it's name is Earth. Who would want to live in such a place...fight for it....make it the focus of an entire existence? Humans are cruel and fucked up creatures, the greatest monster possible. I have no friends...I trust no one. The world is torture, the body is a prison. I want to break free. I'll find the strength to kill myself..its a small price to pay for true liberation.

    Autumn wind of eve,
    blow away the clouds that mass
    over the moon's pure light
    and the mists that cloud our mind,
    do thou sweep away as well.
    Now we disappear,
    well, what must we think of it?
    From the sky we came.
    Now we may go back again.
    That's at least one point of view.
    - Hôjô Ujimasa

    17 days left.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 7, 2007
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