I definitely feel ready to finally go through with it; I can't say this is in a state of terrible depression, but beautiful clarity. They always say it isn't sustainable to care for others until you care for yourself; well I see now that it's ridiculous to continue an endless tortured existence just to spare my family the immediate pain. I'm posting here because I would love to continue living on the rare chance a solution exists to sustain an actual life... but after 29 years on this earth, the last 12 years in terrible chronic pain from degenerative disk disease, the inevitable and increasingly painful social isolation inherent to Autism Spectrum Disorder, and the impoverished socio-economic situation that comes with living on a disability income.... it's all really, truly, far-exceeded my capacity to tolerate and I just don't want to go through another agonizing, miserable, isolated day which always seems devoid of hope. I always wanted to go into bio-chemistry majoring in neurology and do medical research to actually help other people; but pain has made me drop out of school from sheer exhaustion again and again. Doctors are appallingly uneducated in medical science, restricted by inherently-flawed regulations... and absolutely, 100% of the time for the dozens of doctors I've seen, burnt out, at a loss, and usually unwilling to actually help anyone. The system consoles itself by pretending to offers "services" for people with life-ruining medical problems, but the "services" they offer are always useless BS where you sit in a group and talk common sense about nutrition and deep breathing to deal with chronic pain. Suicide hotlines are a joke: it would make a world of difference if I could just talk to someone, but instead you get employees so restricted that they could be replaced with software: trained to simply repeat everything back at you and go "mmm hmmmm, that must be hard". People think those with autism are inherently un-empathetic - some even equate us to sociopaths - yet I've always had an overwhelming sense of Affective Empathy and a desire to help people, by actually fixing problems as I would have done if I could pursue my dreams in medical science, but it's clear that the entire medical community is unwilling and/or unable to help someone get better (physically or psychologically), or even speak to us as an actual human being. Life has been been too empty, too alone, too pain-ridden to continue... and the only time I experience a sense of true perceptual beauty is on these rare late nights, when the world goes quiet, and I clearly see the exquisite finality of never feeling the pain again. I can't exist in isolation, pain, hopelessness any longer. A day or two delay maybe, but death is the last existential refuge I can see that seems to offer an actually-genuine promise of peace and relief.