Ready to end it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by damaged goods, May 25, 2009.

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  1. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    I am 40 years old, and have been struggling with depression since I was a teenager, when I attempted suicide. I have taken many different anti-depressant medications, and they just don't work for me. Church doesn't do it for me either, so please don't suggest that I find god.

    I have tried so hard to function in this world, and I am tired of trying. I just don't fit. There is no reason for me to be here. I don't have any relationships left; in fact I have almost no human interaction at all. When I am gone, no one will notice.

    I don't think I can go on much longer. I am just trying to gather my courage to end it once and for all.
  2. Samsara

    Samsara Well-Known Member

    Don't leave us :( I don't know what to say other than I felt the same way, but I stayed alive, and now I'm healing slowly but surely. I wish I had magic words for you...but I can just quote my Gramma. She knows when I'm depressed and she always says "you just gotta soldier on."
  3. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    The loneliness can be so painful. But, you showed us that you can reach out to people and try to make connections, keep doing this, it will help. Even if you don't feel like you want to try, sometimes you just have to do things you don't feel like doing.
  4. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    Thank you for the kind words. And yes, I know, "fake it til you make it." I truly have lived by that philosophy. I have forced myself to function, and I accomplished everything I set out to do in this life. I had a career, a marriage, a lovely home. It's all gone now, and I've simply lost my will. Nothing brings me joy anymore. I'm dead inside, and I've lost the capacity to love. I've fallen too far this time, and I just want out.
  5. Sol

    Sol Member

    I am sorry for your situation. I am only 26 but I've been severely depressed since my early teenage years, and melancholy before that. I understand how frustrating it is going to all these doctors, giving you all these crappy drugs that don't work - anti-depressants do nothing for me either.

    The one thing that saved me from killing myself long ago was opiates. Unfortunately I went straight for the king of them, heroin, instead of trying to fake something (or going to the right doctor) to get my insurance to pay for an opiate prescription. My life is irrevocably destroyed at this point, and my brain chemistry changed so that I will probably never feel happiness again; but starting on a low opiate, or maybe something like Tramadol, might help you feel normal. It's a trade off, but if you don't feel happiness to begin with there is nothing to lose. That was the only thing that worked for me after trying every anti-depressant, anti-psychotic, amphetamine-based drug, and other creative use of other types of mind-drug.

    Try finding some way to get on Tramadol or Vicodin or Codeine or something like that. I bet it will change your perspective. I only recommend this though if you have money. I did it at a very unstable point in my life, my 2nd year in law school, and I am totally financially destroyed and live at homeless shelters from time to time. But if you have some money or health insurance it might be a cure for you.

    That's the only advice I can give. I truly hope things turn out well for you. As you said, I am trying to gather the courage too - the fact that I don't believe in an afterlife, only nothingness, is the only thing that holds me back. I'm sure I'll be in withdrawals or extreme physical and mental pain soon enough to break over that barrier though.
  6. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    "You are thinking of commiting suicide? If so- then you are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it. You will not be able to feel the relief you want, if you are dead."

    Someone told me that, and it has made such impression to me...
  7. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    I have taken vicodin and oxycontin, along with other street drugs, and I love the way they make me feel. It's only temporary escapism though, and you always come back to the reality that sent you there in the first place.

    As far as an afterlife goes...all of nature regenerates itself, why not us? Plants die and decompose and fertilize new ones. And haven't you ever felt that you knew someone when you first met them? Or how would you explain child prodigies, people with skills and talents with no earthly explanation?

    I must add that there is a drawback to believing in an afterlife as well. People with this belief feel that we are here to learn lessons, and that if we don't learn them this time around, we will come back to the same trials, only they get more difficult until we finally get it! So, I do have the fear that if I take my life, I will return to learn the lessons I failed to learn in this lifetime.

    As for you, I'm sorry to hear that you went from law school to homeless shelters. You obviously are intelligent and ambitious. Have you tried rehab, or Methadone? I don't know much about it, but it's supposed to help.
  8. Sol

    Sol Member

    I was able to maintain a heroin habit for about 4 years, so I never had to come back to reality at that point. Heroin made me extremely functional, and I was able to happily balance full time law school and full time demanding work with no problems - until the heroin money ran out. I know what you mean; but it's really just a matter of money, the feeling and drugs never wear out as long as you have them. It's not a smart path for poor or middle class people though, I'll give you that.

    I've been on methadone before; it's completely different than heroin and didn't do the same thing - I dislike it very much, along with the Suboxone / Subutex that is the other [bullshit] "treatment" option. Also, I just got out of a 2 month rehab about 1.5 months ago, but the feeling of being sober is too awful to stand so I've been doing it as much as possible since coming home (which isn't much really, since I have no money). *shrug* I don't really think there is a solution except death for me. Infact I know there isn't, unless I magically win the lottery between now and when I do it. I sincerely thank you for the consideration though.

    Heh, anyways - I see how your beliefs about the afterlife would be a strong counterbalance to killing yourself. I don't see how shit could get any worse but I suppose it can, and that would be truly awful.
  9. damaged goods

    damaged goods Active Member

    I can't imagine being addicted to heroin on top of everything else. I know that I have an addictive personality, and while I've experimented with drugs, I've tried to stay away from the hard ones, or at least keep their usage to a minimum since I love oblivion too much.

    Maybe it's a blessing that you don't believe in an afterlife, because you're still here. Do you have people in your life to help you through?
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