Ready to Give Up

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Dymphna12, Oct 28, 2012.

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  1. Dymphna12

    Dymphna12 New Member

    Hi. I'm new here. I just found this site via another forum I go to for my mental health issues. I guess I've been dealing with mental health problems since I was a pre-teen. I'm now in my twenties and when I thought I had learned to get through it all, it all seemed to explode recently into one big humiliating mess. I lost my dream in life, I've become homeless (staying with a friend - which I'm not sure how much longer that will last. I was kicked out of my last friend's place and I'm afraid it may happen here, too), I lost family and friends (they didn't pass, they just refuse to associate with me anymore), I do have a job, but make minimum wage and not many hours and so can't pay for much of what I need (and no insurance). My meds for my mental illness just aren't working and this is my fifth attempt with meds. I feel like such a horrible person. I went to see my therapist yesterday with a friend who has been going through this whole mess with me since July when it seemed to explode and ust hearing her side made me feel even more worthless. I feel like such a burden on everyone and I hate the fact that I lost everything, can't seem to get myself together, and have to depend on everyone else to help me. I don't blame the ones who left for leaving. On top of this, I am dealing with other intense issues that are just overwhelming and filling me with even more self-hatred. I'm exhausted and feel like I can't fight this anymore - plus, I really do feel like everyone would be better off without me. I am a burden, and my friend proved it to me yesterday. Honestly, I'm becoming less afraid of the thought of the finality of death and am actually seeing it as a welcome relief. I want to believe there is hope and that things will get better, but just when I think I hit rock bottom, the bottom drops out and things just keep getting worse! I'm too tired to keep fighting this. Today I seriously considered walking out of work and going to kill myself, but I managed to get through the day. The thought is still very much there though. Sorry, I guess I just needed to let this out and reach out in a safe place for some hope.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun i am glad to see you reaching out for support Hope hun it is there and it will show itself again You just have to hang on ok talk to us we understand. I understand how tired one gets Medication hun it takes awhile before the right ones are found for you You have not tried them all The newer ones hun with a add on tends to help more and therapy with meds also seem to improve one chances of getting out of the sadness. I am sorry you are feeling so isolated so alone hun but now you have a place HERE to let go of some of the sadness ok and to make new friends. If and when you feel too tired to fight then come here and we will help you fight ok and you call the crisis lines and you go to hospital and you continue to reach out for support you deserve hun. Life can change so quickly hun so don't give up ok not yet hugs
     
  3. Dymphna12

    Dymphna12 New Member

    Thank you. I've been to the hospital for this reason several times and was committed once. Those bills are racking up and if it continues to rack up then I will be paying the rest of my life. I just don't see how all of this is worth it. I'm only digging further in the hole instead of being able to get out of it. It makes no sense. So my resources are limited because I don't want to be involuntarily taken in either. I just cannot afford it. You're right, I haven't tried all the meds. But a couple of days ago I stopped taking them altogether so what little they did help (which was really only enough to keep me from acting on my thoughts, though the thoughts were always still there) will just go away and maybe the courage will come back to act on the thoughts. Sorry, I probably shouldn't say that, but I say it out of truth - this is how my mind is working now. Most of me wants to give up, but there is still a part of me that doesn't, and I'm wishing it would go away. I'm so confused and lost. I'm tired of being scared all day, everyday. I'm sorry. I'm sorry - I feel like I'm griping, and I have this little voice inside of my head that is yelling at me to just shut up and get over it, but I can't.
     
  4. skydiver57

    skydiver57 Guest

    You are describing my brain activity to a tee.....so weird....Im a little older than you are, but still, I have felt this way for ALOT of my time on this planet. I too, am currently in fairly similar circumstances. I have a spouse though, who doesnt really understand what "we" go through. No fault involved, just that spouse is not actively suicidal as I am. I too, have therapist ( currently on vacation for 2 more weeks in Brazil...AARGGHHH...) , take meds, and recently found a website talking about using Vitamin b-3 in fairly heavy dose 3 or 4 times a day. It is just the vitamin Niacin....or commonly called b-3. You might search that topic...."niacin therapy for depression"...I sometimes dont think either, that my therapist "gets me", or that I "really matter" to her....but she has stuck with me for about 4 or 5 years now, LONG after my money ran out. So she DOES care. However, we have had the discussion too, that we both know that she cant STOP anyone, but heres the thing....When we think it is going to be a "relief", please try to KNOW that friends and family will NOT be "relieved" at all. Private message me if would like to...if not, my email is skydive57@hotmail.com I dont get on here much, but Im always checking my email, and its way quicker etc....hang in there...like I said, YOU ARE DESCRIBING ME and where Im at now....if I can help you, email me ...I'll be praying for you too. hopefully you have a email account of some kind to use....
     
    Last edited: Oct 28, 2012
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