ready to give up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarkitty, Dec 27, 2006.

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  1. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Here I am again. Wrapped up in so much pain and emotion that I feel like I'm going to explode. I hate this so much.

    I'm sorry that I keep saying the same things over and over... I just keep reaching out and I don't even know what I'm reaching out for. I just want the pain to go away, but I know it won't. I'm so very tired of this. Thinking about death is exhausting. It's painful. But I don't know how to stop.

    I don't understand why this keeps happening to me. If I can stay out of this hell during the day, why do I sink into it every night??

    I'm tired of thinking. I'm tired of fighting for every day. I'm tired of being pathetic.

    People here have been so great to me. I'm sorry that I'm letting everyone down. I just can't keep doing this night after night. I just don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm ready to give up.
  2. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I come to the forum every night because I am beside myself. I too am tired of thinking of death. It takes a toll on my body. It is exhausting and frustrating. Hang in there for me. I wish I could be happier than I am. The meds keep me in balance and make the days bearable. It is at night that I fall into depression. I am here if you want to talk about it. You can PM if you want.
  3. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you feel a little better blackfire (I read your post).

    I know you understand how I'm feeling. But I don't know how to make it stop. I want it to stop so bad. I don't want to keep feeling like this. But the only way I can think of to make it stop is to die. And as much as I don't want to die, it doesn't outweigh the pain and hopelessness anymore.

    I really appreciate all that you've said to help me.
  4. blackfire

    blackfire Well-Known Member

    I am at the same place Kitty. I want the pain to stop more than anything. I also want to live to see another day. It is brutal and I am so confused.
  5. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    as am I. I just don't know what to do anymore.
  6. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hey there Ari and BF I'm really sorry I had to go to my Dr's today,I'm really sorry you're feeling this way again it is a terrible and horrible feeling.I can remember a little while ago that's all I was feeling,you aren't letting anyone down remember because simply if you could you wouldn't feel like this I know you're trying.Is it the same thing's that upset you?Or a whole heap of thing's?Do you overanalyse alot like I do?
  7. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    You don't have to apologize ace. You did nothing wrong.

    I'm not sure that how I've been feeling is because of things or because of the bipolar, or both. I mean, yeah, it's been a very crappy month for me. I've lost a lot. But it feels like it's more the bipolar than anything else, mainly because during the day I can handle things.

    Yeah, I over-analyze things all the time.
  8. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    I understand what you are saying and experiencing, it's hard, you wanna make the pain go away and you want to reach out for something but you don't know how to or what you are reaching for. Yes, thinking about death, pain, past, misfurtunes is definately draining and mentally and physically exausting. I know how that goes, but it's hard not to think about it, sometimes our brain just starts thinking and you can't get things out of your head, and sometimes we want to think and we can't, it's hard to deal with things, feels like you can't win for losing sometimes, doesn't it? :hug:

    Try and hang in there though hun, we will find out a way to make things better or atleast able to cope with things, it's hard to find coping skills and the right treatment because everyones body chemistry is different and etc, so sometimes peoples body are picky, some people take their first med and in a month or so it's better and all good, but some others bodies are picky and you need a presise treatment sucj as a combo of medications a combo of therapy and exercise and just a lot of factors, but you can make it, I have seen some really hopeless people that were on the same paths as us that got so better and this one therapist who had bipolar and borderline personality disorder and ptsd turned into a famous recovered therapist and wrote a book, can't remrember her name and Suzanna Kaysen, she wrote the book Girl Interrupted and they turned it into a movie, great book/movie. And there's a famous shcizophrenia author too, I need to find out the names again, been awhile since I thought about them.

    I AM ALWAYS HERE IF YOU NEED ME :hug: :hug: :hug:
  9. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    I know you're right. It's just so hard to see it in the middle of the night. But it's the people here like you guys that help me through it.

    I appreciate it more than you will ever know. Thank you.
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    You are very very welcome hun!! :hug:
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