ready to go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by middleofnowhere, Apr 15, 2008.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    It's been awhile since I was actively suicidal - two years and one month. Now I feel like I've done as much as as I know to do and held on as long as I can. I'm committing myself to keep going until July. I wish I could believe I could survive ten months until my son's wedding. I know I could intellectually, but after 7 years of nonstop major depression I'm tired of the fight. No guns or ODs but letting myself die next time my gastro-intestinal muscles and nerves go to sleep. I was in the hospital for a week in January for it, and take Reglan to keep them stimulated. I think I'll quit taking it May 1, and just let my body do what it wants to do. No recurrence - fine. Recurrence - fine. I am sick of being sick mentally and physically. I'm more than ready for heaven.
  2. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    What do you mean you wish you can stay alive long enough?

    You can. Your son still looks up to you and hopes the best for you. He would love for you to be at his wedding.

    Is there anything I or someone else can do to help?
  3. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    You have worked so hard to make it this far, do *not* give up now. I know you are tired, and who wouldn't be living every day with such pain, but it's not time to go yet. Your family needs you. Your son needs you.

    I've ready many of your posts, and you give such thoughtful and caring responses. We need more kind and caring people in this world.

    Just think what you've learned about depression over the years - while it might seem like you are living with the same old shit for the last 7 years, I am certain that it's not ... you know far more about yourself, and about mental health, than you did at the beginning of this journey.

    Are you still in therapy? If so, please tell them that your suicidal feelings have returned full force. If not, it's time to call in the other supports. Do you know the work of Mary Ellen Copeland ( -- she talks about learning to recognize difficult situations, or feelings , that left unchecked will spiral into an attempt. Sort of 'early warning signs' that only we know within ourselves. For me, it's a physical ache in my chest. If I don't stop and do the things to take care of my emotional health when that ache first starts, within 5 or 6 hours I'm obsessing on suicide. Take a look, I think you might like what she has to say.
  4. peacegirl

    peacegirl Well-Known Member

    Middle, you give up now, you give up on evolution. Your input is so important to the progress of our humanity. But I understand if you can't take it, there is always heaven. I have thought about heaven many times, and still do. It's always there in case I need it. I also cannot speak for your pain, I would never do that. You are you and I am I, and how dare I compare my pain with yours. That would foolhardy on my part. I'm just trying to help you put things in perspective because you are more important than you realize.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 16, 2008
  5. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I met with the psychiatrist this morning for med check-in, and found that my current low point may be connected with the lower dosages I've been taking of two meds - Buproprion and Lamictal. On the first of May, I qualify for Medicare (because I'm on disability), and my copay will go away. The Lamictal costs more than $100/month. So, I think I can hang in there until those dosages increase and take effect. Information helps.

  6. mortdesinos

    mortdesinos Well-Known Member

    That's just one thing that made your life seem better, right? And I hope there will be many more.
  7. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi jim, that's great news. i've heard it a million times here, but it's still true: we never know what tomorrow will bring. i've also had a few adjustments to my antidepressants. recovery from depression takes time and persistence but you will get there. ~catherine
  8. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your encouragement. I don't know what the future will bring, but for today, I'm committed to staying safe for a few weeks. I have a PTSD class I go to and a depression/anxiety support group, both of which are helping me.

  9. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    Yay, I'm glad you are feeling better!
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    We all feel like we are ready to go, but we are not sure. Just like you. And if you think you can handle the depression for the next few weeks, month or years, try to do that. Stay here. Stay alive. Im not saying that you will feel better tomorow, but who knows, maybe you will...
  11. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    I'm ready for what comes after my death. I'm totally at peace with that. The thing that I struggle with is being ready to die without fighting against it. American culture does a very poor job preparing us for death and dying, whether it's our own death, or a death of someone else. Most people are afraid of death.

    Preparing for death is much the same as going through the grief process after a friend or loved one dies. Stages like denial, anger, resignation, acceptance and others. I feel at the final stage of acceptance. The one thing I don't know is the timing. No one knows about tomorrow. There are so many things we don't understand and can't predict. I think we might regret having a crystal ball.

    My wife and son and daughter aren't at the acceptance stage, though they know (at least I think they know) that I want to die because of the pain of depression and all the other mental health issues I deal with. They're in a denial stage. They will have the hard work of grief after I leave.

    Suicide is a very dark issue in our society. There's a lot of superstition and misunderstanding associated with it. I suppose the largest percentage of western cultures look at any form of suicide as a very bad thing. In the past, at least, eastern cultures have had a healthier view of death and as a result a healthier view of suicide. I had never given it much thought until 6 or 8 years ago. Then it was in my face and has been pretty much every day since.

    Most people never think seriously about either death or suicide, so they're unprepared when death of any kind happens.

  12. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    Jim, I hope you are not planning on leaving any time soon.
  13. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Not actively planning. Just living from day to day, or living in the now as existentialists might say.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.