It's been awhile since I was actively suicidal - two years and one month. Now I feel like I've done as much as as I know to do and held on as long as I can. I'm committing myself to keep going until July. I wish I could believe I could survive ten months until my son's wedding. I know I could intellectually, but after 7 years of nonstop major depression I'm tired of the fight. No guns or ODs but letting myself die next time my gastro-intestinal muscles and nerves go to sleep. I was in the hospital for a week in January for it, and take Reglan to keep them stimulated. I think I'll quit taking it May 1, and just let my body do what it wants to do. No recurrence - fine. Recurrence - fine. I am sick of being sick mentally and physically. I'm more than ready for heaven.