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Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Bonster, Oct 31, 2008.

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  1. Bonster

    Bonster Member

    This could be triggering**** WARNING****

    < Mod Edit: Hazel Method > I am ready. The person who loved me most is now dead. It's a year later and guess what, my grandmother is still dead. Its a year later, and Michelle murdering her son and herself, they are both still dead. My ex therapist still won't have anything to do with me. She fired me last year when < Mod Edit: Hazel Method > and got 911 involved before I could kill myself. I don't think anything is gonna stop me this time. Those 3 people mentioned above were still alive when she fired me. Now, a year later, still dead, I'm still fired, and totally *ucking hopeless. I think to myself, ok, I given those that love me a years reprieve. I'm not expecting anything from the people here. I am venting and don't want to talk to the people in my life. I don't think they should be punished for loving me, yet when I do shoot myself, that's exactly what I will be doing. I have tried now 3 different therapists since Donna, and none have clicked. I am a survivor of csa, and DID. This makes for an interesting mix and I refuse to take meds. I have in the past to no positive affect. There is nothing left for me. Yes, I am wallowing in my own crapulence, but it is mine to do so. lol.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 31, 2008
  2. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Hi there, Bonster...

    It certainly sounds like, naturally, your grandmother's death and the way she died, had a huge impact on you, and that you've had a heck of a lot happen to you in the last year, to say the least...
    You say that your therapist 'fired you' - d'you know why she stopped having contact with you?
    You mention that you've given those that you love 'a year's reprieve' - a year's reprieve from what - it isn't all that clear from your post?

    Take care..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 31, 2008
  3. Bonster

    Bonster Member

    A year's reprieve from losing another person they love. Me. Donna, ex-therapist, told me she couldn't trust anymore and wasn't able to help me anymore. She had been my therapist since '01. My grandmother died of cancer 2 weeks after Michelle murdered her son and then shot herself. Otct. 10th '08. I grew up with Michelle. The child she killed was fathered by my best friend /soul brother. So I have been hanging on, without a therapist, trying to be there for my friends and what family I have left. That's what I meant.
     
  4. Abacus21

    Abacus21 Staff Alumni

    Ah I see... You said that you are a survivor of CSA and DID ... what is CSA?
    It seems as though you've been experiencing suicidal thoughts since when your grandmother died, from your post ... Were the thoughts there before this?

    It sure seems like one hellish situation to be in, with regards to Michelle and your best friend.. You say that you've trying to be there for your family and friends, which is totally understandable, but have you thought about taking some time out for yourself, to look after your own health and emotional health, over the past year?
     
  5. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    CSA might be childhood sexual abuse?
     
  6. Bonster

    Bonster Member

    **** Triggering****

    Csa is childhood sexual abuse. I am survivor of extreme abuse from 4 different perpetrators at different times in my life. The longest period was from when I was almost 14 to when I was almost 18. I got pregnant twice and gave both of my sons up for adoption. I was so *ucking crazy then, I don't even know the birthdays of my sons, just the months and roughly what week, maybe. My alters had a lot to do with keeping the body alive then. It was pure survival. Losing my grandmother was not unexpected. But losing Michelle and her son, then my grandmother was just too much. I have done things for myself, taken time for myself, but I just don't care anymore. Well, that's not true. I do care, I am just out of options. Why should I stay alive because it comforts the people in my life to know I am here when I am so *ucking miserable? I hate knowing the things I do. I never wanted to know what it was like to be pregnant in the 9th grade or the 11th. I never wanted to know what is was like to give children up for adoption. I never wanted to know what it was like to be betrayed by my mother marrying my perpetrator after she knew what he had done. I have a wealth of information I would much prefer to be ignorant of. Yes, dangling participle for any language nazis out there.
     
  7. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    Bonster, I'm so sorry to read this. None of it is your fault. you have to believe that.

    It's always tough when someone you love dearly passes away. I lost my Dad earlier this year and I still sometimes find myself about to send him an email and stuff. If there's anything I can do, give me a shout. am always happy to listen. I might not be able to do anything concrete, but just know that at least one person is there for you if you want to talk. :hug:
     
  8. Bonster

    Bonster Member

    Ya know, I do appreciate it. Fact is though, there isn't anything any one can do. The past is immutable, unchangeable. I just can't get past it. I think that I am beyond help. I really do. I have lived, loved, dreamed and hoped, but all of that is gone. I am really just waiting for the right moment. I have a coupla bills to pay, some arrangements to make, but that is pretty much what is holding me here. Hope I have none. Dreams are all nightmares. Joy is a dishwashing detergent.
     
  9. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    No one is 'beyond help' hun. Please don't give up. It might seem that bad just now, but there is hope. call a crisis group (we have the Samaritans over here) talk to someone, go to your Doctor, or A&E or someone. You're still here after everything, so that proves you have some fight left in you. Be strong.
     
  10. Bonster

    Bonster Member

    I've been strong, I am sick of being strong. I don't want to be anything. I wish I were numb, could use or cut or in some way not feel these feelings anymore, but they demand to be felt. I couldn't handle them then, and I can't handle them now. I know that you are probably a very warm and fuzzy kinda person, and its good that you are here for those of us that have been wished into the cornfields.
     
  11. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    please talk to someone hun. You're not alone. I know the pain is great right now but it can be fixed. I'm sure you're a very kind and warmhearted and nice person too. if you give in, your abusers will have won. You deserve happiness. Anytime you want to talk, my msn is in my profile.
     
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