Ready to just end...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by waterfallmt, Jan 11, 2011.

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  1. waterfallmt

    waterfallmt New Member

    I'm not really even sure where to begin. Last night I really just wanted to end my life. I've been feeling this way for a while it's just been the worst last week and this week with last night almost doing something. I think the only thing holding me back is my 3 children. But, I think that the 2 little ones just won't remember me so it's best if I just do it now.

    I am married and found the hidden life of my husband a year ago. I fell into a creeps web who lied to me and wasn't the person that I thought he was. I have always just been looked at as a piece of meat to men. I used to be a model so people see what's on the outside and that is all they want. Women just don't like me. People who first meet me don't like me but if someone takes the time to get to know me they find that I truely have the biggest heart. People just don't take the time, they just see what's on the outside.

    I met a man about a year ago and he came into my life again in September and we have a great connection. I felt as if I could tell him anything and I like him but we're both married. I couldn't stop thinking about him and ran into him again in November...we kissed. We tried to just end it but ended up continuing to IM on the computer. Then Friday last week we saw each other again...and kissed again. My husband has been sleeping in the basement - I guess you could say we're separated but living under the same roof. This man has been married for 20 years and has problems with his wife. Last night I decided it was best to end it with him as he will only just hurt me and I'm just not in a good place right now. He honestly is the only one I can tell everything to. He makes me feel so good inside and brings such positive energy to me. We connect on a level that freaks us both out. We were trying to be just friends but it's just not possible with the chemistry between us. I am so sad that I've told him good bye but I just don't see how it will be good for either of us and I'm always the one getting hurt. He will just end up hurting me and I guess I'm trying to stop it before he does that to me. So now I'm just lost...I feel like I have no one who really knows me. I've just pushed him away...I wish I didn't feel this for him. I'm in some kind of weird deep lost love with him or something. I can't explain it.

    I'm also a stay at home mom and I feel trapped in this marriage with no way out. If we divorce it will tear my kids into two separate living situations and I just don't agree with that. But yet, I can't stay living with this man. So if I were just gone my kids wouldn't have to go through living with 2 separate families and the drama of divorced parents. They could stay in this house and they are young...they won't remember me.

    I'm also torn apart by what happened to me about 10 years ago. I was date raped and got pregnant with twins. I had an abortion. I will never be able to forgive myself for that but at the time I didn't know what to do. I killed two babies inside of me and it wasn't their fault at all. I wish I would have given them life. They didn't deserve to die.

    I guess I'm just a wreck and I just pushed away the only person I feel close to.
  2. jay67

    jay67 Member

    So much to live for...

    I'm so glad that you've found the courage to reach out and communicate your loneliness and desperation. You'll find many people here in this forum who can appreciate where you're at right now; Here I think we've all been personally touched by suicide in one way or another so you're sharing your experience with others who really understand what it's like to feel so much emotional pain that you consider ending it by taking your life. But it's clear that's not what you really want.
    I was struck in reading your post how much you have to live for. No one's life is ideal but certainly your children are a blessing that must give you tremendous joy. Precisely because you value your children as much as you do it perhaps makes the abortion you had, after being brutally victimized, weigh that much more on your conscience.
    It would be an excellent idea to speak in person with a professional about the guilt your feeling, the difficulties in your marriage and your new found love. You have every right to a caring and supportive partner and every reason to carry on living.
    Please stay safe and continue reaching out
  3. waterfallmt

    waterfallmt New Member

    Re: So much to live for...

    Reading this has put me to tears...thanks for responding and being so kind.
  4. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I agree with the therapy advice. Seeing a psychotherapist might help. Also, seeing a marriage councilor unilaterally (at least at first) might be a good idea.

    You're not happy with your current marriage and you still have strong feelings for the man that you met. This is a complicated situation, and getting some advice from a professional councilor might be worth it.

    I hope that everything works out!!!!
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