Ready to kill self over loneliness and depression

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by JGF, Oct 16, 2013.

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  1. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    I'm 26, and I was diagnosed with depression almost 20 years ago. Most of my life has been pain, suffering, and mental torture. I'd say overall, my life hasn't been worth living at all.

    For the past four years, I've grown increasingly obsessed with the fact that I can't get a girlfriend, or even a date. I've only been in one relationship, and I'm counting down the months until January,where it will have been seven years since my last date. I figure that at this point, if I was ever going to be in a relationship again, it would have happened, so it's time to give up.

    I've seen multiple doctors, tried dozens of medications, and been hospitalized twice. Nobody's been able to help me or convince me that things will work out. I have my suicide plan all mapped out, and am about ready to go through with it. Why should I bother living when I'm going to be both lonely and sick in the head for the rest of my existence?
  2. the black raven

    the black raven Well-Known Member

    Hey, I'm sorry that you are alone now, but do fight. It's not the end yet, you may not be able to see it. I have relationship problem too, so I do understand how you feel. You need to be confident to attract opposite gender. Confidence is attractive. Don't think so low of yourself. If you ask me what's the meaning of life, it is something only you can figure out. Life has it's meaning when you have goal, something you want to do. With that reference, you will keep moving forward. Maybe you can set a goal having a girlfriend now? Everytime you failed, try and try again. I'm 100% sure you will find someone, if you want to fight though. If you don't, then you won't move anywhere. My dad remarried at 52 years old, and we're still around 20ish, so I'm sure we will find someone in the future.

    I hope you will fight, and set a goal. We both want you to get better, I know you hate your current condition, so don't give up, but fight, and find happiness okay?

  3. prakash

    prakash Well-Known Member

    do not give up. You can get better. You need medications and treatment.
  4. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Are you working now? What else do you do in your life besides wonder when you will find a date? A romantic relationship, successful or not (and vast majority end up as not) is a small facet of life. I am curious about what else is going in your life ?
  5. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    As mentioned before, I've been getting both medication and treatment for almost 20 years. Literally no progress has been made with either.

    I work weekdays at a housing company, and do freelance articles and reviews on the side, which I rarely get payed for. I don't want to spend the rest of my life doing them, but I'm not good or confident enough doing the stuff I'm passionate about to get anywhere.

    I just spoke with my mom, and she tried making me feel better by talking about how she's had numerous relatives who never married or dated and turned out fine. I just felt worse a a result, because I'll never be happy without a partner. My therapist also told me today that I need to focus on building friendships to build confidence before dating, but I can't stop focusing on girls. I've barely gotten anything accomplished at work for the past three days because I'm too depressed to move. My life is falling apart, I'm never going to get better, and now seems like the perfect time to commit suicide.
  6. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear JGF,

    I don't dare to answer your post in a way I would have done if I was a man. But what I feel might be ok for you is telling you that I understand your disappointment. Because you are willing to give of yourself by loving someone, but cannot find the one who accepts it. That hurts, I know.
    And those wise therapist advices ("first focusing on building friendships to build confidence before dating") - well that sounds very sterile and unfeeling.
    The only thing I want to ask you is that you maybe try to care about someone you like as your (girl-)friend, in order to show your love before demanding a commitment from her. And that can be done online, too. If there is no one near you right now whom you might consider as potential girlfriend, then how about looking onto this forum, for example? I read posts of lovely girls here, and in our modern world it is no longer impossible to visit and date someone from far away. My own brother has married his wife after an online friendship time, and they lived on different continents before.

    I know it is easy to say that you should please delay suicide. But I ask you exactly this out of my own circumstances that make me want to do the same. So please, dear JGF, try to live on. I will pray for you.
    Love, Maedchen
  7. angelicgoddessofdeath

    angelicgoddessofdeath Active Member

    Honestly, I don't know. There really isn't a point to living. If there was I'm probably never going to know.
    I don't know why I'm posting. I'm no good at this. I can't say anything right. I can't do anything to help you or myself or anybody else.
    Reading your thread made me think that maybe I'm not the only one. Wanting to rid myself that way I don't have to be alone anymore. I just won't be anything.
    I guess I should just stop and tell you that if you want to talk then you can send me a message but if you don't want to you don't have. to. I'm no good at this anyway.
  8. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Sorry for the delay in getting back to this after your reply with more details. If I could be so bold , I think you are making progress. A couple years ago when you first joined this forum you could not get a job and felt hopeless in that area. While admittedly not your dream job, you are working now plus do some extra work on the side. I get the impression the freelancing on the side is more in the direction that you would like to progress if it was more financially doable? Regardless, the fact is that is substantial progress in one area of your life. After 20 years of therapy and counseling and problems, it would not be reasonable to expect they would all disappear in a single year or 2 - if it took that long to get to a point it will take time to work your way all the way out as well but there are definite signs of progress you are not giving yourself enough credit for. Having a job and at least a toe if not a foot in the door on a possibly better or more interesting job is great.

    I am not going to repeat what your counselor said about needing confidence and to concentrate on friends first - You already know that to be true likely and the difficulty is in trying to do it like that. It probably feels like you are settling or being told to settle for less less than what you want right now. I might suggest another way to look at it and consider it is refusing to settle for less than what you want and deserve. You want a genuine relationship it sounds like. I am sure it would be an ego boost for a girl to come up and ask you out on a date but but 2 hours later when you realize you did not even really care for the persons company, you only went because you wanted to be able to say you went on a date - you would feel even more depressed. By all means, pursue the idea of dating in the back of your mind when interacting at all with women if that is what you are looking for but do yourself the favor of getting to know them enough to decide if YOU want it to go to the next level of even a date. A bad date for the sake of calling it a date will do little to improve your mood for than an hour or two but if you try to get to know them a little to decide if you would really be interested in their company you will save the effort of trying to get a date and possible disappointment on somebody that you really have no interest in. When you get to know some women at least casually you can focus efforts of dating on somebody that actually interests you instead of a lot wasted effort. It is hard to put your best foot forward and requires a lot of effort if you do not even know if you like them casually.
  9. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    I didn't post over the last week because I felt better, but like always, I find myself relapsing today. I've still made no progress in getting a date, and feel pressured because I'm supposed to move out of my parent's house and get an apartment in less than two weeks. I feel that I should hurry up and kill myself so I don't make things more problematic for my future roommate once he's settled in. I'm absolutely certain that if I was going to find a girl, it would have happened by now, and I'm counting down the days until seven years without a date. I think it's time for me to just go ahead and die.

    Also, to the above poster - I may be making progress at work, but I'm unhappy doing it, and you're right about not expecting major progress in the next year of therapy, but I haven't seen ANY progress in almost 20 years of it. That's why I'm a pathetic, hopeless case, and I'm better off dead.
  10. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Dear JGF,

    please don't throw away everything now in a rush.
    I am asking you this out of my own despair, so please know that I feel with you.
    Just as a thought, when I first moved out of my parent's house, I lived alone in a small room in a student-house.
    It wasn't that bad. Actually I found out things I could not have done before.
    Also, dating might become easier in your own apartment, as the girl might not have to fear to be observed by your parents. - Just my thought.

    Please, if you like to talk, pm me.
    I am lonely, too.
    Love, Maedchen. :balloonhearts:
  11. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Having a place of my own won't make any difference, considering I can't even meet a girl in the first place. There's no hope for me.
  12. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    Please look into your pm.
    I wrote something to you.
    Love, Maedchen
  13. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Posting again because I'm once again falling back into depression and suicidal thoughts. I've made progress in things like getting my own place and holding a job, but none of that matters when I can't be in a relationship like everyone around me is. I feel inadequate, lonely, and worthless, will never get better or succeed, and plan to go through with my suicide plan sometime this week.
  14. Maedchen

    Maedchen Well-Known Member

    :director: Please look into your pm.
    And then: :feedback:

    Love, Maedchen.

  15. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Another week done, three days of which I spent miserable. What's the point in living if I'm just going to be sad? I hate myself and the world around me. I'm supposed to move into my new place Monday, but I think it would be a good idea to kill myself before that happens, even if I mess things up for my would-be roommate. I just don't care any more.
  16. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Two months later, I've made no progress, am not doing any better, and am in constant serious danger of harming myself. What should I do?
  17. JGF

    JGF Well-Known Member

    Does anyone have any advice? I'm desperate.
  18. demuredawn

    demuredawn Well-Known Member

    honestly when it comes to lonliness and depression... those are things that don't just go away in a matter of days or even weeks... unless you are lucky enough to meet someone that is special enough to you to take away that lonliness .... and that takes away some of the depression... for awhile.

    depression takes a long, long time to reverse, if you ever are able to...... b/c it involves retraining yourself on your thinking patterns and behaviors, as well as rebalancing your body's chemistry make up a bit sometimes....

    so really, idk what kind of advice to give you, not if you're looking for a "quick fix"
  19. AnnieK

    AnnieK Well-Known Member

    i'm really sorry you feel so alone and isolated. i can relate. i have not been outside of my apt since Christmas. i just gave up. people tell me to find my strength "just do it !" and other stupid advice.

    i agree there is no quick fix. my problem is they hospitalized me for 2 weeks and then nobody would take me into aftercare because they don't take my insurance. i worked my butt off for 2 weeks calling every hospital, center, etc in the city and nobody took my [or any] insurance. so i put on my running shoes and ran every morning, went to regular therapy, and my psychiatrist, trying to eat better. not sleep too much. but my therapist couldn't find me aftercare treatment either. and one day i just gave up.

    i truly believe i'll never get better so yesterday i had to take some sleeping pills to sleep all day so i wouldn't think of suicide. ways to do it. all that crap. i really hope you pull out of this, if even just a little. my sister told me to stop doing things that make me unhappy, and start doing the things that make me happy. i have no idea if that'd work as i'm stuck inside, but maybe it's something that will work for you.

    oh, and also i am in a relationship and was really pissed to discover he can't fix me. I have believed all my life a man would fill that gaping hole in me, but not one has been able to. And most of these guys were really good, fun, full of life men. This one is hellbent on saving me and that's not good for his well being. He'll be real patient for a while and than he yells at me sometimes to get out of bed. not real helpful. relationships don't cure the depression. they can be a distraction for the first months or so, but then, in my experience, the depression comes back and it's worse because now somebody else is watching you fall apart. and most people don't understand the unraveling, the self harm, the sleeping all day and it becomes unbearable to be around them. also when you feel numb and they are succeeding in life, it's all i can do to say anything supportive. and that just kills my spirit. like where did the kind, supportive, cheerleader of people go? i'm not saying your desire for a relationship is wrong, maybe it will pull you out enough to get more help. just know that in the long run they won't be able to save you.

    hope today is a better day. and i hope this reply didn't bring you down in any way. not my intent. i don't like seeing anybody down on themselves.
  20. SuicideSam

    SuicideSam Banned Member

    I had to pretend I got better with my ex. The fact that she couldn't fix me was hurting her and my despair was affecting her allot so I pretended to gradually get better. It wasn't all pretend though she supported and helped me through some really dark times, helped me stop cutting myself but she could never really fix me.
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