Ready to start talking it out.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JRM, Sep 27, 2010.

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  1. JRM

    JRM Member

    So for those of you that have seen me on here before, I can say that I have been impressed with what I've seen on this forum, from both those that are struggling, yet choose to come here before acting out too marshy on that struggle, and to those who are there to help lend an ear where needed. I think right now maybe I just need an ear to be heard through.

    I will start out by saying first and foremost that I understand there is a big difference between subjective thinking and objective thinking. Between realism, optimism, and pessimism. Between intellectual and emotional perception...

    I recognize that in my life, I have many opportunities that I know most people only could dream of having. I'm a current College senior. I'm an A student about to apply for Physical Therapy school. Up until a few months ago when I started feeling the way that I feel now, I was an avid exercise enthusiast. I look and feel pretty good physically. Or at least, I'd like to believe so. I can speak 2 languages fluently, and 1 more conversationally. I've lived all over the United States, and have been able to travel a lot. I should have, by definition, a very rewarding life.

    And I'm not saying necessarily that I don't. But somewhere along the line I have fallen. And I fell so fast and without warning that I didn't know what to do, so I gave in to those feelings as they came. Now I sleep in every chance I get. I haven't exercised in over a month. I hate going to school. I feel so out of my ability to control my life. I'm not sure why. I started seeing a Counselor after a sleeping pill overdose that put me in the hospital. Tomorrow I'm going to see a psychiatrist because the psychologist thinks that it's best that I try medication while I'm in this "rut" to try to elevate my mood enough to start making goals to then more permanently pull myself out. I don't really know what I want anymore. I'm only 25, so I'm too young to be having a mid-life crises, but that's honestly what it feels like.

    Every morning I don't have early classes, I still have so many enriching things that I should be doing in my life. Yet when the alarm goes off, it feels so good to me to just let myself lay there and stay in the dream world where everything is so much better than the reality. There I see the girl of my dreams laying beside me, encouraging me, and helping me get to my feet. I greet my imaginary family, and I start my rewarding day, already established in the life that I've dreamed of for so long.

    And then I open my eyes. I'm alone in my dingy apartment. I open the fridge and there's no food because I can barely afford groceries on my paycheck and I feel guilty already being in debt with the student loans. I look around the house. I feel soooooooooooooo alone that I can't even breathe. I take my shower and push through the rest of the afternoon. I get almost nothing done because I didn't start my day til noon. Surprisingly I'm already tired again before midnight. So I feel guilty. I worry about the day ahead. I plan that the next day will be better. But it's not. The next morning comes, and I do the same thing. Over and over and over again. I don't know what's happened to me.

    I hate it. And although this was a gradual process that took me down to where I am now, it was not gradual enough. For the most part, I felt completely swept off of my feet by something a lot bigger than me, and it happened so fast that I just caved in. I wanted to commit suicide. I couldn't see a way out of the feelings when it all happened. So I started taking pills, xxxxx, other under the counter drugs and some things that I had to find by other means. It's like my only hope for those few weeks was to try to get it "right." I felt like I was playing Russian Roulette every night before bed, and then some mornings I'd just feel so sick I couldn't function.

    I've stopped with the pills since I've been in Counseling. But the feelings of inadequacy, the ones that make me feel never good enough and like I'm never going forward, have not subsided. One thing I see similar between the accounts of other people who have struggled in their lives similarly is that they seem to be able to more pinpoint what is making them feel the way they do. And in my case I have an idea-- I'm a perfectionist who can't get it right, so it feels like I keep hitting a brick wall; however, to feel the extent of what I feel still to me makes no sense at all. Am I just going crazy? Since I started seeing the psychologist I've honestly only felt worse. I put so much effort in those sessions to sort through my feelings, but it's only 1 hour a week... so it's difficult to really get myself to a level where I feel like I'm steering myself in the right direction on such limited time. I've had to see the counselor on emergency a few times outside of normal hours because of that, but even so, it just doesn't feel like it's going anywhere yet. And I know it just takes time. But while it does my grades are slipping, my confidence is declining, and ability to move forward is diminishing.

    The last time I had overwhelming suicidal thoughts, I started looking for ways to attempt that would be less debilitating if they failed (the sleeping overdose was a NIGHTMARE, and now I don't wish ANYONE has to feel the way I did and try what I tried) and instead I found this forum. I thought a lot about it. And honestly, one of the foundational reasons why I feel the way that I do is because I'm lonely. I had a girl in my life until recently that often struggled with depression from past abusive relationships. For years we've been together, taking care of each other, but not really in a full relationship sense. I felt ready to settle down, and told her my feelings-- and she finally just rejected me a few weeks ago, in the wake of all the feelings I had been starting to have, and we decided to part ways. I feel like there's a hole in my life that I can't fill, but if I just had someone to talk to I think I may still have a chance.

    Sorry that was so long.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 27, 2010
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi JRM... sounds like your experience was very frightening and one which you still cannot wrap your head around (so to speak)...that is not surprising...often times, we burn out and, when our support system is reduced, as when the girl you were with and you broke up, we are left with confusion and depression...it also sounds like you have not found a place for self-compassion...you are going through a difficult time and doing your best; so glad you are getting the care you deserve...I think the definition of success should change when we are going through a rough spot...hope things ease up and that you find comfort...big hugs, J
     
  3. Viro

    Viro Well-Known Member

    It sounds to me like you have reached the point where you question "WHY?"

    I don't have any helpful advice for you - I really wish I did. From your posts, you sound like a very kind individual.
     
  4. JRM

    JRM Member

    Thank you both of you. Your words do mean a lot. And I like to think I'm kind, or at least I try to be. Right now I've actually been really wordy today-- a lot of that just reflects all the thoughts I've needed to just put on paper but never had a springboard for. So thank you for listening. I'll let you all know how it goes as I start to sort things out. Thanks for the hug sadeyes. I've needed it for literally months now...
     
  5. icewolf

    icewolf Member

    Hey J,

    First thing. Stop blaming yourself. It didnt start becuase of anything you did. IT started with a small chemical mixup during a neural transmition in your brain (as u know). That's the first thing you need to get fixed. See a psychiatrist and get some meds so that you wil be able to think clearly about your life again.

    Never ever make life decisions when you are depressed or suicidal. You said it yourself: intelectual and emotional perception. You arent 'you', when you're depressed. Your brain is trying to kill you, dont listen to anything its says. Once your psychiatrist pumps it full of meds it'll shut up and let you think.

    Meds and perception aside, i hear you friend. Those feelings plauge me too. Guilt, guilt, more guilt. You feel like life has given you so much more to work with then many other ppl. Not being able to show some good results even after all the faith the universe has placed in you... it really really sucks. You feel like ingrate scum.

    Dont!

    DEpression isnt just some little side problem. In terms of sucess and perfection it is just as bad as being born blind and deaf, with no legs. Would you expect all the things you do of yourself if u became crippled in an accident? ofc not. IF that happened you would be proud of even the smallest achievements. The chemical malfunction in your brain is every bit as bad as losing your limbs, and worse, because if it was something visible, ppl would cut your slack.

    So, get rid of that guilt! You are not a bad person. you are not slapping the universe in the face by having a problem. You are not useless.
    What you are is everything you were and everything u can be, except that you got metally run over by a truck.

    First you need propper meds, so that you can think. Then you need rehabilitation. You heard me. Your brain has taken a beating, you need to teach it how to work propperly (positively) again. The way to do this is to first make peace with the fact that you are not useless. SEcondly you have to start taking pride in the tiny things that you never even thought of. like getting up in the morning. when you manage to do anything positive, no matter how small, pat yourself on the back. you just won the olympics without any legs! Be proud. Pride will drive down the guilt.

    In time it wil get easier, and you wil start to manage with even harder things again. Your potential is not lost. Once you recover from your mental injuries you can stil do everything, all you plans for the future.

    LAst thing. Dont ever flirt with suicide again. You dont need more guilt. And if you want a good girl too, wel, she wants someone who she knows will hang in there no matter what. Prove to your girl that if she stays with you, it may be hard, but you wont quit life on her.
     
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