Real inferiority complex - what can I do (bit of an essay!!)

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by anon1984, Jan 6, 2008.

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  1. anon1984

    anon1984 New Member

    Hi. I don't know what to write or how to express my feelings, but I feel it might be helpful for me to get some advice... I'm not depressed I don't think, at least not most of the time, but I still find my existence futile, I don't want to be me, I dislike the majority of people and find the world cruel and unfair. A lot of my issues and self-depreciation comes from comparisons with my younger sister. She is physically beautiful, extremely talented in many different fields, very chatty, very witty, funny, mature, classy, natural and very likeable as a person. Oh and also very motivated. I, on the hand, am none of these things. I haven't got attractive facial features, I don't have a talent, I'm quiet and introverted and quite socially awkward, I've always been quite immature/chavvy, I've done a lot of things in the past which I'm ashamed of, I'm not good at conversation, I have terrible concentration to the point where I can watch stuff and then not be able to tell you what it was about or I miss key concepts and ideas, unless it is something which is completely mindless. I don't suppose any of you can understand how horrible it is being such a pointless and non-likeable person and having a YOUNGER sister (I'm not talking one year - I'm talking three) who is so much more interesting and well liked than yourself? All my family prefer her, even guys in the past which I have liked and gone after have preferred her to me, new people we meet on holiday etc take a shine to her straight away and don't even notice me. I don't reckon a sibling has ever had more of a disadvantage. Anyway she justs serves to remind me how useless I am. I'm in a dead end job that I hate (despite being a graduate) and don't know what to do next, I don't really have any friends at home (had a couple or so at uni) that I actually like a lot and respect, sometimes I dislike my parents, no-one ever tries to befriend me, I never know what to do with myself in my spare time, I don't know how to talk to people, I have concentration problems. Everything just seems to be one long vicious circle in my life, like my popularity (or lack thereof), my lack of conversational skills, my lack of things to do, my self-hatred, my hatred of other people and the world. I'm so tragic and pathetic that I'm worrying what you lot who don't know me and presumably are nice and non-judgemental people are thinking of me right now. My post doesn't even make sense. What I'm trying to say though is that I hate me, I hate my life, but I want to do something about it, but I don't know what. I live in a little rural town so there are no clubs to join to develop new interests and meet nice new people. I have thought about ending my life a lot in the past, but I think it would destroy my mum so I couldn't do it (I think the rest of my immediate family would be sad, but that they would be more able to get over it and get on with their lives). I also am put off by the depressing thought of my funeral, which my poor parents would have to rally around and organise, which hardly anyone would be bothered about coming to, about what decent things could actually be said about me, about people who used to hate me at school for no real reason being joyous about my suicide. What can I do? Am I doomed to lead a sad, lonely, futile life? Am I an inarticulate, incomprehensible fuckwit? Please help. How can I improve myself/my life?
  2. TheLonelyAloePlant

    TheLonelyAloePlant Well-Known Member

    I think what you need is a friend- someone to tell you how good you're doing. I could be your buddy if you want. I also face this inferiority issue, because I'm not a straight A student. Sorry, I had a bit of a brain fart- I've been fizzling my brain with learning Japanese.
  3. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey there, I just wanted to say I have read your post. I started to write a long reply but I am so tired and my head is a mess tonight I just can't find the right words. I will write you a better reply tomorrow, but for now I just wanted to say you shouldn't compare yourself to others, you have a lot to offer in this world too, you are a graduate so you must be smart, you may think you're unattractive compared to your sister but what one person finds ugly another person finds really attractive (and I'm not just saying that). Maybe your sister seems more popular because she is more outgoing than you and because of that has more opportunity to make friends and she is more social. There's nothing wrong with being more introvert, nothing at all. I will write a better reply tomorrow and will suggest some ways to help you. In the meantime please take care of yourself. :hug:
  4. lostboy

    lostboy Well-Known Member

    To me you don’t sound like a fuckwit at all. I have the same problem, I’m very inarticulate when I’m speaking. I think it was that like you I had a rough time at school and didn’t really talk to anyone properly for… almost a year, so I didn’t really develop my verbal skills. But your writings pretty clear – if your verbal skills are just as clear then you have nothing to worry about.

    Have you considered just moving to a bigger town? I.e. into a crappy share house, it sounds to me like you’d be better off be disentangling yourself from your family and your sister and the emotions that they make you feel i.e. the envy and feelings of worthlessness.
    Not for ever – but just for a while, I dunno it sounds to me like a change in location might be good to clear your head?

    But if you feel suicidal again please don’t act on it, go see your doctor get some advise or talk to someone you trust.:poke:
  5. anon1984

    anon1984 New Member

    Hi - thank you all for you replies. resistance, what happened to your longer reply? It's taken me so long to reply because I am usually with my partner, whom I live with and obviously I have to use this site secretly. lostboy, I can't move out into a random houseshare because of my partner (whom I love and whom makes me feel better btw), plus my sister is not here anymore because she has gone back to university. I still don't know what to do with myself. I find it so hard to concentrate on anything - I hate that about myself.
  6. resistance

    resistance Staff Alumni

    Hey, I'm sorry. I did start typing out the post on the night I wrote my last reply, but got tired, went to bed, and didn't come back online for a few days, am easing my way back into SF now though. Hopefully what I'm about to say is of some help. If you want to talk more you're welcome to PM me.
    First and foremost - it can be dangerous comparing yourself to other people. Everyone on this planet is different and what qualities your sister has you may not have but that doesn't make you less of a person - it just makes you different to her. We don't all like one type of person - you may be quiet and more reserved than your sister and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - it doesn't make you a freak and it shouldn't make you an outcast or anything of the sort. You are a graduate, so you must be witty. You think you're not good looking but what's unattractive to one person is beautiful to another (and I'm not just saying that). You don't do great in social situations, not everyone is into parties etc and a lot of people prefer their own company than 10's or 100's of people. I may be babbling, but I just want to say I think you're being too hard on yourself. :hug:

    Seeing as I have no brothers or sisters, no I can't say I understand but I can imagine how hard it is for you. I'm sure you are liked, maybe your sister has more friends because she's more outgoing than you are. I guess she has more opportunities to expand her social network, too. I'm sure you are a likeable person, if you got out there and randomly started taking to people, even small talk, it's a start and it's often the breaking the ice part that is the hardest.

    What makes you think your family prefer her over you? Have you tried talking to a relative to let them know how you're feeling? Maybe that'll be a good idea as it'll help you feel a little more secure. As for the new people taking a shine to her first, granted, that's most likely because she's more outgoing than you but you can still make an impression, a good impression! Smile and small talk, it really does go a long way. Your sister probably does grab the limelight but when she isn't there, then it's YOUR chance to shine.

    I may be asking an obvious question here, but how about looking for a new job? Something suited in your area that you'll enjoy, maybe something you could use your degree with. You have the skills, you have the talent. The only thing you really seem to be lacking is the self confidence and you have a lack of self esteem.

    These are areas I think you really need to work on. Once you realise you are NOT pointless, you are NOT ugly and you DO have talent, the world will then be yours. I am sure you can achieve anything when you are not so critical of yourself. :hug:

    Are you still in contact with friends at uni? If you could make friends at uni, what's stopping you from making friends in your home town, or, maybe, how about totally moving away from the area you live and starting a fresh? That way you won't be around your sister as often and your self esteem will rise as you won't feel so much of a shadow. Maybe in the future, after a little break, you could move back home feeling a lot better within yourself.

    As for people befriending you... I get the same quite often. I try to remind myself... everyone is human. You are scared/worried/anxious etc about approaching other people, maybe no matter how much you want to, you just can't - it can be the same for them. Maybe they want to approach you and start talking but they are nervous about doing so. Not because you are intimidating or anything, some people just find it hard to approach people, like you find it hard to socialise etc.

    What are your hobbies? Maybe you could join a few clubs or go along to some events and be with people who are into similar things as you. Or go along to a music themed night and chat to some people. Maybe your local information point (like a library) has information about what's going on in your area or the nearest town/city (considering you live in a rural area). Special interest groups etc are a great way to meet new people, also, volunteering, if you're into that sorta thing.

    It can be hard to talk to people, especially those who you don't know. I get anxious talking to people I don't know, but like I said earlier, I remind myself they are human, just like me.

    First: Smile, and say "hi", take a deep breath and when the other person is saying something and you're about to respond think to yourself, "I'm relaxed" and keep eye contact, it shows them that you are interested in what they have to say. Small talk, as I mentioned earlier, "how are you doing? ... what brings you here? ... where are you from? I like your coat" ... anything just to start up the convo and things will progress from there.

    Am I doomed to lead a sad, lonely, futile life? Nope...
    Am I an inarticulate, incomprehensible fuckwit? ... and nope.

    Most certainly not. You have a lot to offer in this world and I sincerely hope one day soon, you will realise that. :hug:

    I really do believe you need to work on your self confidence. Small steps. Maybe you should talk to your mum about how you're feeling, you sound like you're pretty close to her. You'll also most likely benefit from talking to your sister, too. Do you get on with your sister?

    Take care of yourself. :hug:
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