Real life angels and the planet sized weight slowly lifting off of my shoulders...

Discussion in 'Positive Feelings and Motivational Messages' started by ZasuArt, Dec 26, 2011.

  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    As many of my friends here are aware, I have been facing what seemed to be the inevitable loss of my home for some time now. I have been trying to catch up on my mortgage for months, but the bank gave me a final ultimatum: Catch up by 12/27, or they are accelerating the foreclosure, and taking our home (a home that my partner and I have put everything we had into). Well, I'm not a fan of religious imagery, but a real life angel has swooped in to save the day in the form of a generous loan by a kind and treasured friend. I've been open about the fact that if I was unsuccessful in my attempts to save my home, I would have no choice but to end my life. Because of the way I have mishandled this crisis, my marriage would fall apart and because of my complete inability to handle confrontation and abandonment at this stage of my depression (compounded by the inevitable loss of my beloved, dying mutt-child, Butchie), there was no other solution. A couple of days ago I was resigned to my fate, trying to make this "final stretch" bearable by putting on a cheerful facade while simultaneously making grim plans. This kindness has truly saved my life, and made me see a glimmer of a future that I was sure I had lost forever.

    I don't want to whine about the tragedy my life has been to this point, but like so many of us here in SF, I have been fighting an uphill battle to survive my entire life. The only thing that has ever come easy to me is the unconditional love of my dogs and mediocre, unmarketable wit (and a penchant for creating art that people seem to enjoy looking at, but seldom buy). My family-of-origin is poor and range from hostile to indifferent, and I've never been able to count on them for anything but heartache ((pause for orchestra of tiny violins)). I've had few friends that I could count on for help beyond the occasional mutt sitting request, and have very few friends that I feel I could turn to for concrete help in concretely desperate times (not that they wouldn't want to help if they could). This friend has been the sole exception to that rule. I think those of you who know me know that I am a very actively grateful person, and I'm genuinely grateful for every kindness no matter how small. But this big kindness is life changing and truly life saving, and has given me hope where there was none. And while it will be a long time before I have paid off this loan and my other debts, and can remember what it's like to have actual spending money, I intend to "pay it forward" in any way I can, as often as I can.

    My depression is still profound, and this isn't a magic pill to make my troubles disappear. But it frees up a mountain of emotional energy I can now put into working on the many issues that more often than not make it impossible to function (especially when the practical areas of my life are in turmoil). I can't say that I'm happy to be alive, but for the first time in such a long time, suicide is gently whispering instead of violently shouting. I think I will feel even better when my partner returns to work next week. Then I will once again have time to devote to "paying it forward" by reaching out to my SF friends in crisis; which I think probably doesn't really qualify as "paying it forward", as it somehow seems to help me more than them!

    Thanks to everyone for your continued caring and support. There is no way I could have approached the other side of this immediate crisis without SF and all of my now dear SF friends (and some of you even more than others... you know who you are!).

  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Real life angels and the planet sized weight slowly lifting off of my shoulders..

    I am so happy you have such a special friend in your life hun I hope now you can spend time on getting the depression looked after getting you stable hun hugs
  3. jimk

    jimk Staff Alumni

    Re: Real life angels and the planet sized weight slowly lifting off of my shoulders..

    ((ZasuArt)) so glad you got some really needed help.. hope this continues for awhile.. had no idea you were so far down and out.. is always ok to rattle my cage with a private message.. will always listen and do what i can to make it a little better. you are my friend.. hope the neck main is still manageble for you now.. hope the new year for you and yours goes better and easier for both of you.. Jim